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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To think I should have done something,anything to help this Family

196 replies

fluffyfanjo · 20/06/2014 14:02

I've just returned from a city center shopping trip and seen (to me) the most heart breaking scene.

I was sat upstairs on the bus on the outskirts of town, as we stopped outside the City's Housing Aid offices. Outside there was a Family -Mum,dad two girls aged about 9/11 and a boy who looked about 3,stacked up beside them was what looked like everything they owned. The girls were perched on a suitcase looking bewildered ,the little boy was asleep laying on the fucking pavement.I have a DS aged 4 and I have tears in my eyes just typing this.

By the time I registered it, the bus had moved off,I did consider getting off,but what could I have done ? there were no shops nearby so I couldn't have got drinks or snacks for them, suppose I could go back,but its a 40 min bus ride and they (hopefully may not be still be there)

I know the staff at The housing aid place will find them emergency accommodation, I just hope someone at least give the kids food/drink.

If anyone is passing Nottingham housing aid offices in the next couple of hours and has a spare packet of biscuits lurking in their bag, I know where there are three children who may appreciate them........

OP posts:
ppplease · 20/06/2014 17:41

I think that the trouble is that certain people appreciate a leg up, a helping hand.

And others dont. They see it as patronising and demeaning. Not matter how hard up they are.
And sometimes the poorer they are, the more pride they have. Which actually can be part of their problem in the first place.
So you cant even help them, and have to sit by and and may be watch them sink. But they prefer that to being helped.

AdamLambsbreath · 20/06/2014 17:42

OP I totally sympathise with you feeling like there should be something - anything - you can do for other people in distress. It was a similar feeling of helplessness that led me into volunteering for a homeless outreach charity.

If there were more people who felt that urge to help when they see something awful happening, and acted positively on it, the world would be a better place.

manicinsomniac · 20/06/2014 17:44

For me, the most shocking thing about this thread is the number of people who say they have been in the same or similar situations.

I had no idea homelessness was so common. In fact, I thought it was very rare.

Bit of an eye opener for me.

Don't feel bad about not going back though OP. There probably wasn't anything you could have done.

SatansFurryJamHats · 20/06/2014 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 20/06/2014 17:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angryangryyoungwoman · 20/06/2014 18:03

Easy to offer, sympathy, biscuits, drinks, a home, money, etc and be turned down by those who don't want it. Better than not offering and those who would want it can accept.

angryangryyoungwoman · 20/06/2014 18:04

...rather than them missing out

angryangryyoungwoman · 20/06/2014 18:05

....bloody cats running over phone, damn autocorrect etc...sorry... Post made sense in my head

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 20/06/2014 18:06

Have to admit that I cringed a bit at the biscuits. Ive had to spend Christmas alone since I was 17 and always get pity invites and to be honest it's horrible: like a kick to the stomach to realise that's how others see you, as someone in need of charity. I suppose this family are, but on the snapshot of the situation you just don't know which is why biscuits, though well meaning, is misguided.

Deverethemuzzler · 20/06/2014 18:09

manic the sort of homelessness I experienced as a teen is going to be more common. There are all kinds of proposed changes that will hit the under 25s.
In the 80s it was everyday to pass 15 year olds sleeping rough.

I was also technically homeless when pg with DC1. It was horrible but I got housed in the nick of time.

So when I see what is happening in this country it takes me back to the 80s when homelessness was a massive problem.
It makes me want to weep.

AnyoneForTennis · 20/06/2014 18:10

Why did the parents leave the child lying in the pavement to sleep? I don't blame 'the government' for that! If they have become homeless then it's a process, it doesn't usually 'just happen'.. They could have let him sleep in their arms/lap, even on the bags!

I think they will be safe in a B and B now

WandaDoff · 20/06/2014 18:15

This reply has been deleted

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WandaDoff · 20/06/2014 18:16

Have a Biscuit & chill out a bit FFS

AnyoneForTennis · 20/06/2014 18:17

Who is to say that they didn't have a bagful of supplies with them? You don't have 3 dc without realising they need stuff do you?

MiniTheMinx · 20/06/2014 18:18

Devere, me too. I remember tripping over people on the pavements in the 80's under Thatcher, and its on the rise again.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 20/06/2014 18:19

I am mystified by this thread.

As far as I can gather, some posters would really have appreciated biscuits or other treats.

For others, we would feel patronised and humiliated. I definitely stand in the latter camp.

Those of us who would rather people kept walking and didn't notice are not twats and I think it's really out of order to say we are.

I'm a lovely person mostly but I am a private person. I fainted once in public and was just horrifically embarrassed at everyone flapping around me even though I don't doubt their kindness was sincere!

ppplease · 20/06/2014 18:29

See, this is the problem with charity giving. It makes the giver feel all warm and cosy. But sometimes the recipients dont actually want it.

Toooldtobearsed · 20/06/2014 18:39

hesterton spot on.

Seeing people in these situations stay with you for a long time afterwards, there but for the grace of God and all that.
I would have felt the same as you OP.
Forget the bloody biscuits! It was just a way of saying 'acknowledge them'. I am lucky, I have never been in that situation, but I would imagine that if I had been, someone stopping and talking to the children, making them giggle or sharing some sweeties would have reinstalled ( the wrong word but i cannot think of the right one) my faith in humanity. I can think of nothing worse than sitting there being studiously ignored by everyone.
Okay, remembered - restored their faith in humanity!
I do hope they are somewhere safe and settled now - and OP, I am with youSmile

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 20/06/2014 18:44

Too old, I again understand some feel they would hate to be ignored. I on the other hand would relish it. I was homeless after my mum died and the worst thing was when people noticed as if they did not I could pretend I was ok.

It's just different people. But as others have pointed out it's misleading to say 'you should do this or that ...
it could make all the difference' as it can also make people feel worse!

Toooldtobearsed · 20/06/2014 18:51

cats I genuinely bow to your experience. I know nothing about it, so probably just projecting. Had I been alone, I would be mortified to be approached and would have shrunk into a corner to avoid it. But I just think I would feel more alone with children by my side, if you see what I mean. Not just responsible for me, but for them too, and that is when I would appreciate a bit of banter with the children, just some normality I guess.
BUT, I do not know. You have been there and done it, so who am I to say.

So, I suppose the best I can say is that it is probably being done with the best of intentions, not patronising or smarmy at all.

Get rid of the ridiculous arguing and this is actually an interesting topic!

Original poster
fluffyfanjo · 20/06/2014 18:53

Summing up (some of) the feelings of this thread I've come to the conclusion that its wayyyy better to simply ignore,close your eyes to a situation and walk on by for fear of offending someone .

OP posts:
LadyNexus · 20/06/2014 18:53

I don't think your a twat if you personally wouldn't like any charity or attention from strangers.

But if you are suggesting that no one should ever be charitable or give anyone a biscuit because YOU wouldn't like it...

Then yes, that's a bit twattish Grin

ppplease · 20/06/2014 18:57

I am going to add one more thing.

It is ironic that the ones who have received insults on here , are the very same people that you would try and give biscuits to.

Theodorous · 20/06/2014 18:57

Angrywoman love you for having cats running on the keyboard

ppplease · 20/06/2014 19:00

Summing up (some of) the feelings of this thread I've come to the conclusion that its wayyyy better to simply ignore,close your eyes to a situation and walk on by for fear of offending someone .

Had to pause for thought there. Good samaritan and all that.

No, I think that we should thoughtfully give most times, but we may also have to be ready to be insulted sometimes and take a step back and realise that we cannot help all of the people all of the time.