to leave her out of this?

[BrittBritt]

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

Well, I hope you all live happily ever after Britt. I hope after your returned ex has got over the high of getting her life back she doesn't start thinking too deeply about how you behaved. I hope your little one hasn't learned to use other people like disposable commodities.

But mostly I hope your temporary partner finds someone who will treat her with love and consideration. Because we all deserve that.

Are you done? What exactly are you getting out of telling me that I've behaved badly over and over again? Huh? I know that I have.

No, my daughter hasn't quite mastered that. On account of her being tiny and only knowing kindness and love.

I don't think the OP has give enough information about her ex partner's condition (and she doesn't have to!) for these accusations of bet hedging, using and fair weathered-ness to be appropriate.

Seems as though there are a few people on this thread putting 2 + 2 together and coming up with 5.

Britt, there is no point continuing to upset yourself or self flagellating any further on this thread. Nothing will be enough for some people!

Why not hide the thread or ask for it to be deleted and just forget about it?

id be hurt too.

I cant imagine my dp would be very impressed if i went for happy families icecream time with my exh and ds either.

Op for what it's worth, I can see your point of view and think I would likely have done the same. If I was in a coma or something similar there is no way I would want my partner to be a martyr and put their life on hold forever for me, I would want them to go and be happy with someone else. If you really love someone sometimes that means setting them free, not expecting them to spend every spare minute outside of work sat at the bedside of an unresponsive partner.

Thank you Pumpkin and TheHappyMonkey it's nice to know that not everybody thinks that I am a horrendous person. I have made terrible mistakes, I know that.

Wow, stick the boot in people! OP has not behaved perfectly, in a nightmarish situation. I do envy those of you who are bastions of moral integrity, must be a nice view from the ivory tower.

OP, you're doing the right thing in ending it with your partner. Yes people get hurt in relationships, we have all been there and I dare say most of us have hurt others with our decisions.

Op the only mistake I think you have made was getting involved with the new partner and letting them love you when your heart wasn't in it. You've owned that mistake and dealt with it decently and I just don't think you have anything to be ashamed of.
I imagine that a lot of the people who have commented negatively have no actual experience of remaining 'faithful' to someone who can't move or speak for years and years.

What AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow said.

Good luck, OP. Hope things work out well for all of you.

Your situation was a nightmare that none of us can claim to understand. I feel great sympathy for your new DP as she has had a rough deal - been the rebound partner if you like - but I hope you all find happiness.

I don't think you've behaved badly - you did what you thought was best under incredibly difficult circumstances and the fact that some people on here would have done things differently doesn't mean that they are right and you are wrong. You acted on the information you had at the time and things changed - now you are trying to rectify the situation in the only way you can.

Good luck to you all - it sounds like you've had a really rough few years, and I just hope that you can make the best of the current situation for your daughter's sake.

You know what, OP, I'm glad you have a conscience and can recognise there have been poor decisions. I definitely don't always make the right choices either. Perhaps it would be best not to publicise the way all this has happened. It's natural for strangers to recoil at the idea of being abandoned when they're ill. It's everyone's worst nightmare. There's a reason why the marriage vows are 'in sickness and in health' - because it means an awful lot to people. But it happened and you seem at peace with it so you may as well learn what you can and move on. If your 'ex' still wants to be with you, that's all that matters, isn't it?

I don't care about how woken up your body is or how impractically small anyone's handbags are, though it's nice to hear your sadness is at an end. You're happy and that's what you care about. I'm sure you will have enough to sort out in the months ahead regarding the decisions you took without returning to this thread again. Let's leave it now. It's your life, after all.

I didn't abandon her. She doesn't feel like I abandoned her. So why are you insisting that I did? You're not defending her, you know, by tearing me apart. She doesn't want anybody to do that, believe me - she's more than capable of telling people when they've behaved badly.

And yes, I definitely just care about my own happiness. Because I've been enjoying plenty of that.

And thanks to everybody else who has been so very nice. Everything is over with partner, and I am having dinner with 'ex' even though that's not really appropriate to discuss a way forward.

Good luck op, hope it all works out.
And well done for keeping your dignity in the face of some incredibly pious passive aggressive attacks!

BB, I sincerely wish all of you in this sad and sorry mess the best of health and happiness, but I doubt very much you and your 'ex' are going to have your happy ever after.

Thank you so much HappyMonkey

Granny you very obviously don't wish us the best, if you are voicing your doubts. I assume that you intended for me to read that, and to pass those doubts onto me. I'm pretty sure we will be okay.

Britt, I feel for you, you are in a highly unusual and very emotionally challenging situation. It's easy to sit and type words when you're behind a screen but a whole different ballgame when it's your life, your feelings and your child. We are only human, flawed and imperfect and we often let our hearts rule our heads. I don't know how I would have reacted in your situation. No one does. I think you've made some mistakes but I think you've acknowledged them too. I can see that you were in turmoil and I imagine it's going to take some time to work through what has happened to you all.

You can't go back and change the past. It's out of your hands but what you can do is work out a plan about how best to move forward for all of you. I, too, think you've dealt with this thread is a very dignified and calm manner.

Good luck.

BB, you're wrong, but there you go.

Granny How on earth do you know how things will pan out? This is a very unusual situation.

Candy - because too much has gone on.

You have done what you thought right in each situation you have been dealt with. That's all any of us can do when these situations fall in our lap. Please don't feel bad for what has happened, just follow what is right for your family now. You have been trying to keep everyone happy by the sounds of it so I don't read this as you being selfish.

Good luck with everything OP.

But I'll leave this now because its obvious the OP has only ever wanted replies to contain what she's wanted to hear and life just isn't like that.

Your poor dp.

Your ex is not a 'mummy' to your dd, at all. In any description.

Leaving aside the fact there is no biological connection, your ex has not been there. She hadn't done anything even remotely resembling parenting. She is not her mummy.

I'd say the same of a dad who had adopted and then had no input with his child's life for years then showed up expecting to be treated as daddy.

This situation is completely bonkers and unnecessary.

If you want your ex then ffs leave your partner to find a nice person.

And if your do has been helping parent your dd, but you've insisted she can never be anything to her, then shame on you.

Granny I don't think that's a particularly fair thing to say, this thread has shown me how badly my behaviour towards my partner was. And on the back of this advice, I've done - what I think is for the best - and ended it.

I've taken offense to some of what has been said, absolutely, as a lot of it has been unproductive and provocative. But I am very grateful for the majority of posts, good and bad, on this thread as they have helped me come to a decision I was struggling to make.