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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

438 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/06/2014 23:56

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Hmm

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 19/06/2014 22:54

Not worth getting worked up over. Save some money and stay at home with baby and DH. Don't create dramas where there is no need.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 19/06/2014 23:08

'All the faff' of bottle feeding was great imo, it meant I could go to child free weddings Wink

Only1scoop · 19/06/2014 23:10

After reading about all the pumping....freezing....chucking it away again I'm inclined to think the same....Grin

TheNewStatesman · 20/06/2014 03:18

Breastmilk changes slightly in composition over time, but of course milk for a newborn is not going to cause harm to an older baby. Breastmilk changes in composition all the time depending on your diet and the time of day/night and some 5mo are on solids too, and somehow they all survive! And the changes in breastmilk composition are very small.

There is potentially concern about loss of vitamins in EBM that is stored for months, but this is only a (possible) cause for a concern if the baby is being fed this milk as its main source of nutrition. The odd bottle/cup of freezer milk where the vitamins have deteriorated somewhat is not going to do them any harm.

ceres · 20/06/2014 07:49

"writer so why get married in church if they are so anti children?"

you do realise people can want a child free day without being anti children?

we had a church wedding and it was child free, apart from immediate family children, 4 in total. I do not hate children. in fact not only do I not hate them, I work with them.

we wanted an adult party. our hefty wedding bill, our choice. and before I get accused of being a bridezilla most of said hefty bill was spent on our guests - good food, plentiful wine, good music.

gamerchick · 20/06/2014 08:01

No it won't do any harm, I never said it would or that it would do any harm even (since you brought it up twice). Hmm

Igggi · 20/06/2014 08:03

You can't specify that the church bit is child-free though can you? Church is a community, anyone can attend a wedding I believe.
Don't get that only people who plan to procreate should marry in church - what about a couple who know they can't have children, or indeed an older couple?

LittlePeaPod · 20/06/2014 08:11

writer so why get married in church if they are so anti children?

That's a bit of a leap, of I have ever heard one! Where do you get that people that have child free weddings are anti children? Confused Does this logic also apply to all child free weddings?

In this case children can go to the religious bit so it kind of blows the church theory out of the window anyway.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 08:12

only1scoop - The Groom didn't say anything to my DH and the Bride spent all night cleverly avoiding him Grin Grin (she was hosting a birthday partner for her brother).

This awkwardness is exactly what I didn't want to happen and it makes me so thankful that I didn't ring the bride to discuss the feeding issue. I'd definitely prefer to have DS not invited to her saying he could come because she felt pressured on the phone Grin

We are going to go out and buy an official RSVP card today, complete it and send it to them.

I will make a point of going round to visit them next week, just for a cup of tea or something so the Bride knows I'm fine about it all. I obviously won't mention it but by me just acting normally around her it will make her see that I'm fine about it all and that she certainly doesn't need to avoid us Grin

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 20/06/2014 08:12

That shoud be... "Does this logic apply to all child free events"

wheresthelight · 20/06/2014 08:18

fairy Grin my thoughts entirely

Only1scoop · 20/06/2014 08:34

So will your Dh still go to day and reception....what will you be RSVP....ing to?

Thumbwitch · 20/06/2014 08:36

Writer - just be aware that the bride might not particularly want to see you - she might be feeling slighted that you don't consider her wedding reception to be of sufficient importance that you can't be parted from your baby for it. She might not either - but just bear it in mind.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 08:54

only1scoop - yes he will be going. I think he has realised how silly he was being Grin

thumbwitch - it's not that I'd be parted from DS for "just a bit" as if I attended the ceremony, the meal and the evening reception I would be away from him for about 12 hours. If I just attended the ceremony and the meal I would still be away from him for about 5-6 hours. I would hope that as a friend she would realise I can't be away from my EBF baby for that period of time and nor would she expect me to start introducing and giving bottles, which I don't want to do, just so I could attend. If she can't find it in her to let me bring DS to enable me to attend (totally her right) then I don't think she should expect me to go to the above effort just so I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 08:55

And as everyone is always saying, the Wedding is the most important bit anyway, and I'm going to that, so it certainly isn't like I'm snubbing their day.

OP posts:
ThursdayLast · 20/06/2014 08:58

What Thumbwitch said.
If there really is avoiding going on, I would interpret that as she is not 'fine with it'.
Are you sure she's not an MNer?

ThursdayLast · 20/06/2014 09:00

The bride not see it as 'can't' though writer, rather as 'won't'.

LittlePeaPod · 20/06/2014 09:04

if she can't find it in her to let me bring DS to enable me to attend (totally her right) then I don't think she should expect me to go to the above effort just so I can.

Writer stop playing the victim and blaming the bride. You are choosing not to go.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 09:05

That's ok Thursday - she can see it as 'won't' because I won't be doing it Smile

People are always saying why should the bride alter her day to fit around her guests but based on the same argument, why as a guest am I expected to change my feeding methods (which are important to me) to fit around her day?

She can choose not to have DS there which also means I can't go, fair enough, but like posters have been saying, people who have child free weddings have to expect that some mothers/fathers will not be able to attend for various reasons.

OP posts:
ThursdayLast · 20/06/2014 09:10

Nope, I do not deny your right to do as you please. In the end no one really gets hurt in this situation. It's just a wedding after all.

But you don't seem remotely bothered about the fact that YOU might have offended HER. And even less bothered about trying to make amends.

I think cutting off friends for the sake of breast feeding is a path to take.

Subtext · 20/06/2014 09:13

Very late to the thread but I went to a wedding without my 3.5 month old EBF bottle-refusing baby. I even tried to get her on bottles in the lead up to the event but she simply wouldn't have it.

So we got my MIL to hang out near the venue with DD and every couple of hours I'd go and meet her and feed the baby.

It was a stressful nightmare and totally not worth the hassle. I should've just declined the invite when it arrived. But I was trying to be superwoman (and a good friend to the B&G).

You're lucky, you've got a free pass here - take it!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 09:24

thursday - how am I not making amends (not that there's anything to make amends for really, all I did was decline an optional wedding invite)? I said in my post up thread that I was going to go round next week to show her there's no bad feeling or anything from my side. What else can I do? Am I supposed to apologise to her for not wanting to start bottle feeding my baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2014 09:27

subtext - we did consider having a relative floating nearby with DS but it's a 45 minute drive away from where we live so it might be a bit difficult. The tooing and frooing I would have to do to enable feeding baby between all the separate parts of the wedding just wouldn't be feasible. They know I'm going to the wedding and I doubt very much they would have expected me to attend the evening do anyway, so all I'm missing the meal.

OP posts:
ThursdayLast · 20/06/2014 09:31

Not apologise, but a more thorough explanation of why you feel the need to decline might help her understand. As others have said, not everyone is up to date with the ins and outs of PFB EBF.
In your shoes, I would definitely make the effort to acknowledge why the bride might be offended. Just pretending she isn't won't make the issue go away. She invited you because she WANTED you there.

ApocalypseThen · 20/06/2014 09:42

why as a guest am I expected to change my feeding methods (which are important to me) to fit around her day?

You're not. You declined for your own reasons. She accepted that. You're the one going on about it. It doesn't sound like she had a problem accepting your decision, so you're the one with the issue here.