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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

438 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/06/2014 23:56

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Hmm

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

OP posts:
tertle · 19/06/2014 13:23

Who is going to look after ds when you're at the ceremony? Surely you'll have to leave some breastmilk? As if he's anything like my dd (who is the same age), you never know when he'll want feeding.

And, just being nosy, but why don't you want ds to take a bottle at all? Obvioisly it's your choice but it can make things more convenient. My dd has a bottle of expressed breastmilk perhaps every three weeks when I want to go out on my own. It's also really nice for her dad to feed her from time to time and he really appreciates his one on one time with her.

As for the aibu question; as others say, just forget it. The other couple may have nagged for an invite or be closer to the bride and groom or have approached things differently. I'd stay in with a cheesy film and put your feet up, if I were you. Weddings with babies are still lovely but not nearly as fun!

ApocalypseThen · 19/06/2014 13:31

We'd have a wedding that was almost 50% children

By which time it's a clown, face painting and 6pm finish time.

Retropear · 19/06/2014 13:36

Op could express and bottle feed.Fine she doesn't want to,she in that case isn't going to the wedding and needs to get over it.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 14:03

tertle - the Ceremony is in our local church and I'd only expect to be away from DS for 1.5 hours maximum. I'd just feed DS before hand and then leave for the wedding. Their Reception is being held at some fancy hotel which is about a 45 minute drive away.

I honestly couldn't give a direct answer as to why I don't want to give bottles.....I guess I just don't see the point when my breasts can do it. If I found BF inconvenient or I was embarrassed about feeding in public then I would use bottles, but I don't have any of those problems. I just don't see how faffing around with pumping, freezing/defrosting milk, sterilising bottles etc is an easier option then just putting my baby to the breast. Plus I just really, really like breastfeeding. I think the only downside (for want of a better word) to breastfeeding is the fact that the mother's social life is affected, much like this wedding, but that sacrifice is only for such a short period of time that I'm happy to make it.

OP posts:
tertle · 19/06/2014 14:24

Oh I see. I'd still have to leave milk for my dd even if i was only gone for 1.5 hours - seems your son is more predictable!

I totally see what you mean about breastfeeding. I love doing it too and expressing a definitely a faff. But it great for me to know that if I want to go to the ballet with my friends or have a massage then I can leave dd with her dad. And DH really does like to be able to feed her occasionally. Maybe you should try it. It is hard for me to leave dd and I've only done it a few times but once I'm out I realise that it is nice to occasionally do things for myself.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 14:36

I've managed to be apart from DS a few times but I find it hard Smile

When DH does the weekly shopping he takes DS with him to give me about an hours break. Admittedly I found this hard at first but I'm fine with it now. It was very difficult for me to be away from DS n the first 6-8 weeks of his life, it really felt like part of me was missing. I'm glad that have has passed!

Apart from my DH having him I have only twice left DS with someone else.
The first time was for 45 minutes where I left him with PIL so I get some uninterrupted housework done and I absolutely hated it!

The second occasion was when I had to leave him with my Grandparents for 30 minutes whilst I took my cat to the Vets and I kind of switched my mind off so I wasn't thinking about it.

I will go out and leave DS with DH but this is only when I need to go to the shops or go to the doctors etc.

I just really miss him when I'm not with him, lol Grin

OP posts:
tertle · 19/06/2014 14:58

Oh yes I completely understand about missing him. Whilst I've enjoyed my outings, I definitely don't dawdle on the way home!

LittlePeaPod · 19/06/2014 15:49

I also totally get the feeling hurt when your child is not invited - your child is part of you and if you have recently become a mother its like what you have become, this important part of you is being rejected

I am a new mother with a PFB DD. I love my DD and she is my most treasured achievement. As much as I love, adore and dearly miss (if I go out or away) my DD she does not define who I am as a women. I am an individual and been a mother is one aspect of who I am. Therefore, I think it would be very melodramatic and martyrish to say that I would feel upset because my DD wasn't invited to a wedding. B&G are not rejecting Ops DS! His just not invited to their wedding.

I know of a few friends who had child-free weddings back before they had children and have since rather regretted

I know friends that did the same and never regretted it! And the shameful comment is just a bit, wow and Hmm

Like someone up thread said, I too hope your cousin told his step father to "mind his own business" in the nicest possible way. How cheeky was his step father.

It's amazing to read how some parents think everyone else should organise their events (possibly life) round them because they have DC. That's really expectant and selfish. Why on earth should other people change what they want to do because we (parents) have DC. It's up to the people with DC to organise their lives around events (child free or not) they are invited to.

DH and I have historically had adult only events (BBQ, parties etc.) and we fully intend on continuing that tradition. If people can't make the event because of childcare, well its disappointing but its not my problem. The same as its not my friends problem if I can not make an event because of childcare.

BauerTime · 19/06/2014 16:28

Littlepeapod are you me????

Chippednailvarnish · 19/06/2014 16:31

I will go out and leave DS with DH but this is only when I need to go to the shops or go to the doctors etc

Wow, you actually leave your child with its father Hmm

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 16:38

I meant it in the sense that I will go out if I know it's for a short while and DS won't need feeding. Not in the sense you are trying to imply.

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 19/06/2014 16:40

BauerTime I wonder how many other peas are in our pod??? Grin

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/06/2014 16:54

I'm in your pod. Or I was, but it's a long time ago.

LittlePeaPod · 19/06/2014 16:58

Paedra time is of no consequence. It counts Grin

Handsoff7 · 19/06/2014 17:26

I had a childfree wedding. I liked it, am not ashamed and even now I have a child I would still recommend it to others.

As we knew it would, it did mean some people didn't come - their choice and didn't damage our relationship at all (as far as I can tell).

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/06/2014 17:35

I had a child free wedding and now I have a child I would have no problem going to one. If DS wasn't invited I wouldn't be insulted. I'm quite capable of going out without him. Same as DH and I would enjoy having a day to ourselves. Our lives may revolve around our children, I don't expect anyone else's to.

BauerTime · 19/06/2014 18:40

My wedding was child free too,and even now i have one id still consider only having him there and no other kids. And i might even have him taken off to bed by a childminder in the evening so i could get shit faced

DH will be pleased to learn I'm planning my next wedding....

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 19:57

Well DH has just gone round B&G's house as planned. I was supposed to be going but DS is so grizzly and ready for bed I think so can't face the inevitable screaming if I were to take him with us.

I have told him not to mention the wedding again and he has assured me he won't Smile

OP posts:
Igggi · 19/06/2014 20:18

Have they met your ds when grizzly and screaming before? Maybe that's why he wasn't invited! Wink
Most babies have a difficult hour in the early evening (I've heard it called the nightmare hour, and even suicide hour) though If you're unlucky it can go own for several hours of course...

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 19/06/2014 20:21

I'm afraid I'm a love me love my child type of mum, so if my child wasn't invited especially when other chldren are. I'd be telling her to stick her wedding where the sun don't shine. Your loyalties lie with your baby not some smug women who's getting married.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 20:22

I've had many! many suicide hours Grin

DS has done nothing but sleep, sleep and sleep today. Why he's showing signs of being tired again I don't know! He is currently being distracted by his playmat which I'm hoping will keep him amused until half time in the football match Grin I don't know why I'm watching it, I can't say I'm expecting a win Smile

OP posts:
Igggi · 19/06/2014 20:24

You want a well-behaved baby and a win for England - I think that's a bit much don't you!

ScarlettlovesRhett · 19/06/2014 20:24

I'm also in the pod.

Childfree wedding (although was a v small wedding and only one couple had a v young child), also no 'regrets'.

I even left my pfb to attend an overnight stop wedding when he was 3 months old Shock

LittlePeaPod · 19/06/2014 20:33

Writer. Try this book brilliant helps explain why the have periods were they just sleep... www.amazon.co.uk/The-Wonder-Weeks-Development-Predictable/dp/9491882007/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403206289&sr=8-1&keywords=the+wonder+weeks

Scarlet ahhh another pob bud... Grin

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 19/06/2014 20:37

To all those going on about The rights of the bride to a child free wedding, yes okay fair point her wedding her choice, but this isn't a child free wedding another child Iw allowed to go. That's why o.p is understandably peeved.It,s her baby. F.G.S. x