AIBU about weekends?

[Weathergames]

Ex H has kids every other weekend. We do not get on, so communicate as little as possible.

Often doesn't have them as goes on holidays and never seems to try to fit these in in the massive amount of time he is not with the kids. He never has the kids another time and he refuses to have them any "extra" or help in any way.

DS is 16 and now has a job on Sat and Sun, which is great and I am very proud.

ExH lives in same town but says kids can't have a key to his (it's his partners house but he has lived there for 7 yrs) because it's not their home .

He has now said as DS is working if he is going away for the weekend when it's "his" weekend then DS will have to stay here as he cannot stay in their house alone. I often go away when the kids are away (or just enjoy not cooking etc) and do not really want to worry about leaving DS here and what he might get up to (he was found drunk in the street by a passer by a while ago while supposedly at a party) he's not really responsible enough and if I am going away I can't relax fully.

So ex h is saying he is responsible enough to be left here but not at theirs.

He has already had a conversation with DS about it before even mentioning it to me and completely disregarded me, my opinion or the fact that this is actually my house. To all intents and purposes saying that his plans take priority over mine .

I have said he needs to adjust his own plans as he only has to feature the kids in 4 days a month as opposed to my 26.

I love my kids and love being with them just trying to put this down in a matter of fact way - not sound like I can't wait to get rid of them.

AIBU?

brdgirl see my post up thread pg 4 I think.

I'm confused - which one are you directing me to and why?
You do see that my post was 'on your side', right?

icanhearyou, thanks, that's what I meant too.

I'm still loving the 'jetsetting lifestyle'.

I guess I must be having this when I fly on a clapped out plane to Craggy Island to visit my ailing old dad, and leave the teens alone because their own father is having a bbq with his new wife and musn't be bothered by mundane shit such as looking after his own kids once in a while.

Luggage, do your teenagers hope to go to university? If so, how do you think they'll cope with independent living and studying when they have been taught that a parent is always 'available' for them and they can fully expect to rely on that around the clock?

brdgirl yes see that :) was just pointing out that I don't expect him to leave DS alone at his (he won't even give him a key!) but am pissed off he expects me to be ok with DS staying at mine alone if he is away (we are both away) when it's ex's access weekend . That just takes the piss totally!

I am am fine that he is not comfortable but he needs to make other arrangements for DS which is not just telling him to go and stay at home on his own - that suggests he gives more of a shit about his home than DS.

Would your ex be ok if you sent your son to stay at his house alone, on a weekend when it was your turn to have the kids and you wanted to go away for the weekend? I suspect he would be outraged. He is responsible for caring for the children on his access weekends, not you!

ah. i do agree with you. i also think you have a (semi-separate) problem, which i share, in having a son old enough to have responsibility of a job but yet cant be trusted at home alone overnight.
you will have to find a solution to THAT which ...unfair i know...doesnt rely on your ex, because despiye what luggage may do with her own kids, you really ought to be able to leave an older teen alone occasionally without that degree of worry. :( I was only half jking about the babysitter...we have considrred getting one in for DSS if he cant shape up! (i mean on days he is at yours).

I know.

We drew up a statement of arrangements for the children on our divorce which I later learnt is not worth the paper it's written on.

He has slowly over the years dropped all the things he agreed to do due to "moving on" .

Showing a complete lack of regard or respect for me or his kids.

I have suggested if I showed up at his and dropped the kids off at his whenever I felt like it he would be furious but he's a hypocrite and operates on massively double standards in regards to his life and my own - then when I get angry because he ignores my communications he says I am a "psycho".

I said to him you move on from me not your kids - which fell on deaf ears as it's not convenient for him to think about anyone other than himself.

For a while he would have them "extra days" which he would make me "pay back" (lovely for the kids ).

He is a selfish thick fucker who has allowed a women to look after his balls for him.

Only people who have been in this boat (having an ex have a lot of control over your life and be unfair and have no regard for the way you have brought up the kids who are fab while I have worked full time with no family around or support from him) can understand the sheer frustration I feel :(

dump them on other people

Are you thick? It's the children's father, who ought to be responsible for them when it's his contact weekend!

Could your son use his holidays from work for the weekends the ex wants to go away, and so go away with them?

It is shit that your ex won't help out, but you can't blame him for not letting him stay alone in their house when you won't let him stay alone in your house either! That's not him being necessarily difficult, that's him having the same reservations as you do.

Yes, so the OP will deal with it on her weekends and her XH can deal with it on his weekends. Simple!

YAsoooNBU OP but I have no idea what you can do about it. I have an XH with a similar attitude

OP, I mean it when I say I really feel for you.

I can say though that as a sixteen-year-old I was in a very similar position as your son.

My divorced parents definitely played hot-potato with me. "YOU take herit's your weekend!" "No, YOU take herI've made plans!" Each grumbling when they had to take me on out of turn. Eventually they realised they could just leave me home alone because I was such a goody two-shoes.

They never said as much to my face, and in fact made all the "right" noises to me, but from their behaviour I got the message loud and clear that their new livesand their rivalry with each otherwas more important that me. So I had to sort of detach emotionally from them and get on with my life.

The result is that we're not close now. I mean, in contact, but not close-close. Every so often they'll ask why I don't visit more often but it's like--I don't care to. These aren't people I'm close to. It's not like I'm punishing them or that I go around feeling mad at them, I just sort of detached from them long ago and you can't turn that around.

It's NOT right that your ex is being a shit. It's NOT FAIR. I can say though that with all the parents I know whose exes are deadbeats and who have to step up and be the one good parent--the kids KNOW. It might not seem like it, but they feel it.

And later in life your loser ex will be wondering why his kids and grandkids don't feel like spending time with him.

I can say though that with all the parents I know whose exes are deadbeats and who have to step up and be the one good parent--the kids KNOW. It might not seem like it, but they feel it.

I really hope you're right matilda

My kids know I am there for them because they talk about things to me and they know I get frustrated with their dad and why and they know it's nothing to do with them or their fault, or me not wanting to spend time with them.

In the past his wife has sat there and made him read private emails from me to him out to the kids and they thought he was a prize dick for doing that.

Have you considered getting a solicitor to write him a letter (as he won't give you his mobile no. WTF?!?) and say:

As you are no longer adhering to our original childcare agreement I would like to put a new 50/50 agreement in place.

You can guarantee he won't want that, but basically it gives YOU the chance to dictacte how things go from here on out. Either he steps up and does his 48 days of childcare a year willingly, or he does 182 a year, including school pick ups and drop offs etc.

He has it VERY easy at the moment, maybe he needs reminding of that.

I have his number but he has blocked me.

He would not want a 50/50 agreement and is supposed to do school runs and have them mid week but informed me by email on the day our divorce came through 4 yrs ago that he would no longer be doing that or seeing one of the children who is not biologically his but he brought up as his own, allowed to call him dad and continued to see and include in access visits.

Yes I really do hate him but the kids have chosen to still see him even though I felt like cutting him out if our lives - I didn't feel that was my decision to take.

Would a solicitors letter carry any weight though?

Bloody hell luggage - I teach teens too and some of them have a damn site more to worry about than their mother having a loving relationship with her partner.

Op of course yanbu - you are more than entitled to a life. Could your ds arrange to stay with a friend ths weekends you are away if needs be?

My kids know I am there for them because they talk about things to me and they know I get frustrated with their dad and why and they know it's nothing to do with them or their fault, or me not wanting to spend time with them.

Yeah, I hope you're right. My own mother said, "It's not that I don't want to spend time with you, right? It's just so unfair that your dad won't take you this weekend when he knows I've made plans to go away with friends!" Guess what message I took away?

Well I am not your mum am I?

I am their mum and I am very mindful of my words and actions as I work with teens who have been very messed up by their parents.

(My mother was a therapist too!)

Hey sorry to put you on the defensive. You asked. That's my perspective.

And yes, try a solicitor's letter.

It's puts me on the defensive because I spend every ounce of my being trying to make it ok for them and have cancelled many many things to be with them when their dad should have had them.

This is NOT the way I wanted to raise my children but I have done my very best to be mum and dad to them.

I have taken days off work when they are ill and gone to every single parents evening, play, assembly, presentation evening alone and taken them on holidays and days out alone. Like any other single parent.

Sometimes just sometimes I want him to step up to the plate do I can have a life outside of that..

The best one was when he let me down the last weekend before a 5 month absence and didn't give a teeny tiny shit.

I might get some legal advice but I don't hold out much hope.

Well I was hoping a solicitors letter might help him to see he's being a piss-poor parent, taking on only 13% of the role and leaving the other 87% to you (& then only when he feels like it).

Some people respond better to facts and figures, but it sounds like he just can't be arsed, so you probably can't shame him into stepping-up.

So sad that society doesn't hold this up as wholly unacceptable behaviour. It seems crazy that so many men willingly bring new life into the world, play at being parent for a few years and then just walk away when the job gets a bit onerous leaving the mother to pick up the pieces.

You have my sympathies OP.

You Rent being unreasonable. I dot have a solution but feel how frustrated you must be.ex h is being very selfish.

Yeah, it's not fair, and it's sexist crap. It's a bunch of bullshit.

And your kids see it. I guarantee.

I have a friend who was in your position, pretty much, as she was raising her daughter.

Daughter is now successful young professional, and just got married.

Deadbeat Dad was to be at wedding, and beforehand my friend was in this really resentful state, like, "Oh, now he's interested? Now he wants to be Daddy?"

But the thing was: during the wedding, all the daughter's friends and colleagues were hanging around my friend, fondly reminiscing, remembering all the good times. Everyone at the wedding congratulated her for raising such a great daughter, toasted her.

To Deadbeat Dad they were just like, "Sorry, who are you?" So he spent the whole time sitting awkwardly with his new family.

It was plain as day.

They are very loyal atm... :/

Sorry OP, he sounds like a piece of shit.

At least he might pay attention to a solicitor... Worth a go.

I would seriously advise NOT taking legal advice, he is probably smart enough to realize any solicitors letter isn't worth the paper it's written on. The only person who can force your ex h to 'do' anything is a judge in a family court and then there is no precedent (unfortunately) to force selfish fuckwit exes like yours to step up ..only contact orders for resident parent to be legally obliged to make kids available to nrp. sadly contact cannot be forced. Taking legal advice will cost you and achieve nothing. Better save your pennies for your continuing profligate jet setting love life with your fancy man
Having worked out all that, the thing is to work out how to manage without having to deal with ex being an arse. (he sounds under partners thumb tbh or very week not to insist his home is dcs home ) I am assuming this will not be a problem every fortnight ? restrict your angst to the weekends you plan to see dp. The trick is NOT TO TELL HIM then he can't plan weekends away to coincide with yours, men can be ridiculously childish and despite splitting with you and having new partner, often can't face you having new man so will go out of way to fuck it up.. On these weekends that do coincide, arrange a sleepover for DS (yes, ex should be doing this but don't give him the joy of winding you up)..on the weekends when ex goes away with dc and you are home , then start the process of ds being on own, by " semi supervising" explain he can stay at yours but will be required to cook/feed self . Go out in evening as you would when kids at dad's but come home to prevent parties. In a year he will be fine to look after self. I did this exactly and went away to spend weekend with now dh about every 5 weeks with now dh visiting once in between. This worked well. Bear in mind that at some point you are going to have to trust ds. They don't start not wanting parties at 18, or 21 but obviously more able to handle the responsibility if things go awry. xx