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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about weekends?

152 replies

Weathergames · 16/06/2014 17:24

Ex H has kids every other weekend. We do not get on, so communicate as little as possible.

Often doesn't have them as goes on holidays and never seems to try to fit these in in the massive amount of time he is not with the kids. He never has the kids another time and he refuses to have them any "extra" or help in any way.

DS is 16 and now has a job on Sat and Sun, which is great and I am very proud.

ExH lives in same town but says kids can't have a key to his (it's his partners house but he has lived there for 7 yrs) because it's not their home .

He has now said as DS is working if he is going away for the weekend when it's "his" weekend then DS will have to stay here as he cannot stay in their house alone. I often go away when the kids are away (or just enjoy not cooking etc) and do not really want to worry about leaving DS here and what he might get up to (he was found drunk in the street by a passer by a while ago while supposedly at a party) he's not really responsible enough and if I am going away I can't relax fully.

So ex h is saying he is responsible enough to be left here but not at theirs.

He has already had a conversation with DS about it before even mentioning it to me and completely disregarded me, my opinion or the fact that this is actually my house. To all intents and purposes saying that his plans take priority over mine .

I have said he needs to adjust his own plans as he only has to feature the kids in 4 days a month as opposed to my 26.

I love my kids and love being with them just trying to put this down in a matter of fact way - not sound like I can't wait to get rid of them.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 10:32

No, of course I'm not resentful.

I am a mother. I made a decision years ago to be a mother. I accept (and mostly enjoy) that my time, energy and finances are committed to my DC for this stage in my life.

The OP is a mother. She is responsible for her children. She chose to have them! She now seems to feel entitled to dump them on other people on a regular basis so she can fly off to be with her boyfriend.

I have plenty of "life", thank you Lumpy, but there are certain constrictions on what a mother can reasonably expect and demand for herself, while she is responsible for raising her DC. All night raves, every weekend, spending all her money on cosmetics, getting drunk at school pick up time. Jetting off to the boyfriend when your son needs supervision...........

Original poster

Weathergames · 17/06/2014 10:36

When was I drunk at school pick up time...or at a rave?!

OP posts:

HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 10:37

Weather - ignore her, she's being a goady fucker now.

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 10:38

well, I would hope you wouldn't be, because you have responsibilities, but I don't see jetting off to boyfriend and abandoning DS as any less irresponsible.

growingolddicustingly · 17/06/2014 10:39

Jeez Luggage are you for real? I know I shouldn't feed a troll but.......

She now seems to feel entitled to dump them on other people on a regular basis

It is the child's FATHER. Something your chld(ren) don't seem to have. Jealous and projecting much?

OfficerVanHalen · 17/06/2014 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/06/2014 10:42

So, what about the father? What about his responsibilities?

This thread is about the father dropping his responsibilities. Luggage, why can't you see that?

TheRealMaryMillington · 17/06/2014 10:43

Luggage - easy! - she is going to see her partner, not on a holiday, whilst her children are with their father.

YANBU, OP but I just don't know what you are going to do about it. Sorry.

Maybe you have to trust/put the almighty frighteners on your son re party (and have the neighbours on extra vigilance). Any friends/relatives of yours who can "pop in". I do think an immature 16 year old is a bit young to be left for the weekend.

TheRealMaryMillington · 17/06/2014 10:46

There is a big difference, Luggage between going to see one's life partner on a forces base, to "jetting off to see a boyfriend". In any case since when did being a mother equal having no life? Stop being so obtuse.

TheRealMaryMillington · 17/06/2014 10:47

or, indeed just RTFT

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/06/2014 10:49

Haha abandoning?
My parents went to Cyprus for a fortnight when I was 16 and working I must remember to tell them how neglectful they were to not be there to tuck me in.

HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 10:50

Or just stop being a goady fucker

iK8 · 17/06/2014 10:51

hahaha luggage you have excelled yourself

Yes, you're being a goady fucker but you are hilarious so I think if we all take it as read that you're just having a laugh we won't take you at all seriously and will just enjoy your nonsense.

Besides, I'm a terrible mother. I've left one of my children in a nursery today! All day! I've even had a coffee and a mooch about on Mumsnet in between doing a little bit of work. Obviously I will flay myself later with the dried up umbilical cords that I savagely wrenched from my children so they and I could live independent lives but for now, I'm drinking a latte and doing fuck all :)

brdgrl · 17/06/2014 11:06

Without absolving your DH of his other shit behaviour - I'm not sure I entirely disagree with him on this one point. If you don't feel your son can be left alone at your own home, it is fair enough that your DH and his partner (the homeowner, apparently) feel the same way.I don't think it is at ALL unreasonable for him to say that DS cannot stay in the home alone.

But then I think the next question is what he should do about it. I rather think it should be down to him to find a solution - if it is the weekend for the kids to be in that home, and he wants to go away, then the responsibility for child care is his, isn't it? And that's true whether the child is 2 or 16.

We don't think my DSC are responsible enough to stay at home alone either, so we don't leave them. They live here all the time, so this is very restrictive, actually - DH and I both have occasions to travel for work (we are in the same field, so these are often things that we would both attend), and figuring out how to handle the issue of the teens at home is tough, especially since we have no family here to ask for help. So far we have dealt with it by asking a friend or neighbour to check in unannounced. And by missing out on opportunities.

I am not sure, though, that I would let my kid have a job that caused so much disruption. If he isn't responsible enough to be left at home alone, which you agree that he isn't, then it is unfair for both households to be reorganizing their lives in order to facilitate his working outside the house. If DSS wanted a weekend job, he'd have to be responsible for getting the job, getting to the job, and still keeping up responsibilities at home. If the job became a chore for me and DH, I think I'd be looking at that more closely. Maybe he should have to pay for his own babysitter! :)

brdgrl · 17/06/2014 11:09

sorry - should have said "so we don't leave them often" - we have on occasion, and used friends to check in.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/06/2014 11:12

Childcare is your ex's responsibility on his weekends and I would be livid also.

ICanHearYou · 17/06/2014 11:14

Well I leave my two every single Saturday and Sunday nights and every other Friday night...

To go to work.

I shall remember to remind myself what an evil witch of a mother I am for doing so whilst I spend the money I earn on batman bedding and new bunk beds.

brdgrl · 17/06/2014 11:29

ICanHearYou, I don't know if you were replying to me or to earlier posts, but I just wanted to clarify in case it seemed like I was saying something I'm definitely NOT - I didn't mean that we don't leave the (teen) kids because I think there is something wrong with leaving one's kids, not at all at all! - we don't leave them because they've acted irresponsibly in past and we don't feel that we can at the moment without something possibly happening. I definitely didn't mean any judgement of people who leave their kids, it is the normal thing to do IMHO. AT the moment I am missing work things (not mandatory ones, but things that would further my career) because of the situation, and it isn't good.

Original poster

Weathergames · 17/06/2014 11:41

brdgirl see my post up thread pg 4 I think.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpositive · 17/06/2014 11:56

What the fuck are you smoking? Is it available over the counter?

The "other people" OP is "dumping" her son on is the boy's father. You know, the person who has joint responsibility for raising and co parenting their son.

What "dumping" is to you is called "shared custody" by the courts and all most normal people.

Do you also think men who look after their own children whilst their partner is out/at work are merely "babysitting" as a "favour" to the mother?

Luggage seems to be one of these people who thinks because she has the misfortune to be a single parent with no support! the rest of the world should be too.

Pumpkinpositive · 17/06/2014 12:00

I think you will find than many people would consider regular flights to Scotland as being an incredibly extravagant luxury.

Yes, £29.00 - £50.00 for a flight to Scotland on a budget airline really shows one up as a profligate spendthrift.

Rome burns whilst OP aviates and all that.

Mckayz · 17/06/2014 12:16

Luggage you are on another planet. Dumping her children on other people. What the fuck!!! It's his father, have you missed that?

Also I am pretty sure the OP says she's engaged. So why should she be putting her fiancé on the back burner?

My DH is merchant navy and goes away for 2 months. If it was possible to go and visit him while my sons are with they dad I'd be jet setting all over the bloody world. So shoot me now.

APlaceInTheSummer · 17/06/2014 12:22

Look I understand that you're annoyed with your ex but I'm struggling to see what your ideal solution to all of this would be.

Is your ideal situation that someone else watches your eldest (arranged by your dh) so both you and your exh can be away on the same weekends?

Or is your ideal situation that your exh and your other dc's don't go away for a weekend together because your eldest has a weekend job and neither of you trust him to be left alone? Once you take away all the bad feeling between you, really they are the two options.

I'm also wondering how often this clash will actually occur. It sounds like a lot of energy and angst being expended around something that might happen. Is your exh just pushing your buttons about something that's unlikely to happen that often?

ICanHearYou · 17/06/2014 12:52

brd I definitely wasn't talking to you, I used to have the most insane house parties when I was sixteen, my parents DEFINITELY shouldn't have left them alone.

No my kids are 1 and 3, I leave them all alone... with their father every weekend. He gets to play house and I get to work and actually make being a single parent cost effective because if I weren't working we would be very poor.

I don't feel bad about leaving the children with their father, nor do I think it does them any harm whatsoever. I think it is good all round, if he wants to go out on a Friday or Saturday night the night he has the children, he can organise childcare just as I would have to.

Thumbwitch · 17/06/2014 13:28

Definite sour grapes coming from Luggage now. She's just pissed off because the OP has a fiancé and is making other shit up to back up her ludicrous point that the OP should take sole responsibility for her DC, having chosen to have them, and that the feckless father should be able and allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants because he's not to be held responsible for the children OH no.

Good grief.

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