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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about weekends?

152 replies

Weathergames · 16/06/2014 17:24

Ex H has kids every other weekend. We do not get on, so communicate as little as possible.

Often doesn't have them as goes on holidays and never seems to try to fit these in in the massive amount of time he is not with the kids. He never has the kids another time and he refuses to have them any "extra" or help in any way.

DS is 16 and now has a job on Sat and Sun, which is great and I am very proud.

ExH lives in same town but says kids can't have a key to his (it's his partners house but he has lived there for 7 yrs) because it's not their home .

He has now said as DS is working if he is going away for the weekend when it's "his" weekend then DS will have to stay here as he cannot stay in their house alone. I often go away when the kids are away (or just enjoy not cooking etc) and do not really want to worry about leaving DS here and what he might get up to (he was found drunk in the street by a passer by a while ago while supposedly at a party) he's not really responsible enough and if I am going away I can't relax fully.

So ex h is saying he is responsible enough to be left here but not at theirs.

He has already had a conversation with DS about it before even mentioning it to me and completely disregarded me, my opinion or the fact that this is actually my house. To all intents and purposes saying that his plans take priority over mine .

I have said he needs to adjust his own plans as he only has to feature the kids in 4 days a month as opposed to my 26.

I love my kids and love being with them just trying to put this down in a matter of fact way - not sound like I can't wait to get rid of them.

AIBU?

OP posts:

iK8 · 16/06/2014 23:34

They're not their. Ffs.

CheeryName · 16/06/2014 23:35

OP not sure why you're getting a hard time here.

Of course your ex should look after his DC when he is meant to, and if that means he can't go away due to DS' job, well tough shit to your ex, he doesn't get to go. (Except that he is a selfish twat and does what he likes - but he shouldn't).

Being their mum doesn't mean you can't go away when they are with their other parent. That's ridiculous!

Original poster

Weathergames · 16/06/2014 23:35

We do talk about stuff like that - I just don't trust him yet :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Weathergames · 16/06/2014 23:43

I stopped breast feeding them when they were all about 2.5 - sonI think that's covered :)

OP posts:

iK8 · 16/06/2014 23:46

Freckletoes · 17/06/2014 00:29

Can't understand why OP is getting grief?! Your exH IBVU-if it is his weekend with the kids then he should be fitting around your DS new job. He should be there every third weekend and not go away. I'm not sure what you can do about it though....

Freckletoes · 17/06/2014 00:30

*sorry-should be there every other weekend!

Strokethefurrywall · 17/06/2014 01:43

OP is getting grief because the poor woman is single handedly raising her teens and apparently wanting to get on a plane to go and spend time with her OH, makes her an irresponsible mother.

Because, being a single mum means she should be there for her kids 24/7, hovering around them like a helicopter, flogging herself and beating her fists against the alter of martyred mothers everywhere.

I really feel for you OP, but I'm not sure how to get around it. I wouldn't leave a 16 year old either, no matter how "grown up" they are. I was 16 not so long fucking ages ago and I remember the many parties we threw whilst my parents were travelling. Mum always knew we'd had people in because all the bog roll had gone. I think she's now a little thankful we were teens before the age of facebook when the word would have spread and they'd have come home to a trashed house and riot police.

So you're probably wise not to leave him

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 02:57

I'm quite taken aback by posters referring to simply caring for your children as being "martyred"

Being there is not "martyrdom". It is "motherhood", and it is what you signed up for.

I can't imagine how these young people must feel about their mother classing giving them a normal level of time and commitment as "martyrdom"

Roundedbuttocks90 · 17/06/2014 04:26

Erm I think her kids will be more upset by the fact that their father (who lives in the same bloody town) seemingly can't be arsed to arrange any contact and refuses to integrate them even remotely, into his and his partners lives.

No child ever did anything to deserve to be ignored by a parent!!
YANBU OP. My DHs daughter lives over 50 miles away, he makes the effort to pick her up every weekend and go and see her midweek too! His ex refuses to drive halfway and its costing us a fortune in petrol but DH says its all worth it when she flings her arms around him.

I used to go for months and months without seeing my dad. His new partner dislike me and my brother so we weren't allowed up and it was his house!!

Can you get some sort of formal agreement? I don't think that asking your ex to have HIS kids EOW is asking too much, especially since he lives so close by

Thumbwitch · 17/06/2014 04:40

I think it may be a valid option to ask if there are any friends who might be able to have him stay on the Saturday night whenever his dad decides to go away and you're also away. Is he a particularly troublesome lad? If not, and he has a few friends, then you might be able to "share him around" among friends' parents so he's not in any one place too often.

It is shit that your ex won't help out, but you can't blame him for not letting him stay alone in their house when you won't let him stay alone in your house either! That's not him being necessarily difficult, that's him having the same reservations as you do.

Does he go away often when he has the DC? Does he take them with him? I get that he won't change his ways/plans to accommodate your DC - but if your DS is working every weekend it's not going to make any difference anyway, is it. So either you decide you're not going to go away any weekend (which means you rarely see your OH) or you ask around among his friends' parents and see if they will help you out, as your exH clearly can't and won't.

Helpys · 17/06/2014 06:19

luggage. Have you read the thread? On her ex husbands access weekend she'd like to go away. And that makes her unavailable?

Icimoi · 17/06/2014 06:30

Luggage, what is so difficult for you to understand about the concept that separated parents tend to share the care of their children? And that OP is not neglecting her children if she goes to see her OH on the weekends she doesn't have them?

HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 06:42

Luggage, not quite sure what you think motherhood is, perhaps you think its some sort of indentured servitude?! Just because you've become a mother it doesn't mean that until they're grown up and left the house you NEVER get time away from then!

I sure as hell am not going to be at home 24/7 just because I gave birth to 2 human beings. I will make sure there is a responsible adult for them, but wanting occasional weekends (or God forbid WEEKS) away from them doesn't make me a feckless mother.

matildasquared · 17/06/2014 06:43

It's NOT fair.

It's NOT a fair situation and I feel for you OP!

But the unfairness isn't your son's fault. Don't play "hot potato" with him when it comes to your ex: "YOU take him, I want to go see my boyfriend." "No YOU take him, I want to go on a holiday." That's a really shitty position for the kid to be in. He's still quite young and it's not fair that he be made to feel like a burden just for being a kid who's not quite old enough to be left alone in a house for a weekend. Don't offload him to go camp at a neighbour's--that sucks.

I know it sucks being the responsible one, but that's the situation you're in now because your ex is being a shit.

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 06:59

No, I just don't get it at all. Being with your children isn't "indentured servitude", it is being a normal mother. Weekends away? weeks away? without your children?That isn't really normal behaviour within my friends and family. Yes for some of my students, and they really suffer for it.

The OP is complaining that her teenagers and getting in the way of her jet setting love life.

I think she is being very unreasonable. But she is going to find affirmation here, because there are bound to be others with the same mind set. I don't think that makes it ok though.

And the father just sounds totally irrelevant.

Pumpkinpositive · 17/06/2014 07:00

Luggage, are you reading the same thread as everyone else??

Just because you're a single parent with no involvement from the father, doesn't mean other people whose ex partners are involved in their children's lives, should shoulder the burden alone.

OP's ex is on the scene, and she only wants him to step up and assume some responsibility for his own son. Not as much responsibility as her, the main care giver, mind, but some.

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 07:01

yes, I'm reading it, and no, I don't get it.

Pumpkinpositive · 17/06/2014 07:03

Have you missed the part where the children would be spending the weekend with their father, not the mother?

You expect someone to sit at home all weekend without the children just on the off chance of ... what, exactly?

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 07:06

but the children aren't with their father? He isn't having them, is he?

My DC are on a school trip just now, so I'm out and about at all hours, and coming and going all over the place, but if they were here I wouldn't be.

And I wouldn't expect to be, and I wouldn't be angry because i couldn't be.

Thumbwitch · 17/06/2014 07:10

"I can't imagine how these young people must feel about their mother classing giving them a normal level of time and commitment as "martyrdom""

A "normal" level of time and commitment is NOT 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! That definitely qualifies as mummy martyrdom! Are you trying to have us believe that you never let your DC go round to friends' houses, that you are always with them whenever they're not in school? That you never get any kind of time without them? If so, you sound suffocating!

Pumpkinpositive · 17/06/2014 07:10

but the children aren't with their father? He isn't having them, is he?

Yes, he is having them. It's the eldest he doesn't want to have because he isn't willing to change his holiday plans on his contact weekends. OP wants him to step up and assume responsibility for his son on his contact weekend, given that she does the bulk of the care giving through the month.

If the onus is on anyone to curtail his trips away, it's on the father to do so during the contact weekends, not the mother.

Thumbwitch · 17/06/2014 07:14

The point that you are spectacularly failing to appreciate, luggage is that the OP's son is supposed to be at his father's but his father won't give up going away at weekends just because his son has a job he needs to go to - yet you expect the boy's mother to just give up her weekend away to see her partner (and btw "jetsetting lovelife" is just plain insulting - flying to Scotland hardly qualifies ) - so what YOU'RE saying is that the man's needs override the woman's needs completely and the OP should just let him do what he likes because she'll have to pick up the slack.

What a load of shit.

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 07:15

I just don't understand, sorry,

the father won't so the mother has to, and more than that, has to cheerfully. I can't even see anything to discuss

Thumbwitch · 17/06/2014 07:16

THat's because you are being deliberately obtuse and basing it all on your own scenario where you have no choice. Sour grapes?

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