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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about weekends?

152 replies

Weathergames · 16/06/2014 17:24

Ex H has kids every other weekend. We do not get on, so communicate as little as possible.

Often doesn't have them as goes on holidays and never seems to try to fit these in in the massive amount of time he is not with the kids. He never has the kids another time and he refuses to have them any "extra" or help in any way.

DS is 16 and now has a job on Sat and Sun, which is great and I am very proud.

ExH lives in same town but says kids can't have a key to his (it's his partners house but he has lived there for 7 yrs) because it's not their home Hmm.

He has now said as DS is working if he is going away for the weekend when it's "his" weekend then DS will have to stay here as he cannot stay in their house alone. I often go away when the kids are away (or just enjoy not cooking etc) and do not really want to worry about leaving DS here and what he might get up to (he was found drunk in the street by a passer by a while ago while supposedly at a party) he's not really responsible enough and if I am going away I can't relax fully.

So ex h is saying he is responsible enough to be left here but not at theirs.

He has already had a conversation with DS about it before even mentioning it to me and completely disregarded me, my opinion or the fact that this is actually my house. To all intents and purposes saying that his plans take priority over mine Angry.

I have said he needs to adjust his own plans as he only has to feature the kids in 4 days a month as opposed to my 26.

I love my kids and love being with them just trying to put this down in a matter of fact way - not sound like I can't wait to get rid of them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
matildasquared · 17/06/2014 07:20

Well the choices the OP has are:

  1. Go to court to get the father to honour the agreed-upon custody arrangement
  2. Step up and look after the boy on the weekends he works.

Yes that sucks that the woman is almost always the one holding the baby (or the almost-grown young man in this instance). Yes, it's a sexism issue, yes it's unfair.

But it's not the kid's fault that the father is an ass ("not his home"?!) and mother is the one left to do the responsible thing.

matildasquared · 17/06/2014 07:22

Prioritising a son's welfare is more important than a weekend away with a boyfriend. No it's not fair but that's what it comes down to. If you want to call that "indentured servitude," then okay. Too bad the father in this scenario is being a shit father, but that's not the kid's fault.

Lottiedoubtie · 17/06/2014 07:32

luggage do you not see that the father being crap is bad? That he shouldn't be behaving as he is?

Ragwort · 17/06/2014 07:32

Agree with matilda - yes, it't not fair and yes, it's tough. But it's not your DS's fault - or the alternative would be for your DS to give up his weekend job so that he is always 'available' to go to his dad's. But that's not fair either.

I can't see a reasonable solution if your ex won't alter his plans - I think you just have to put your DS before your boyfriend.

I have a teenage son, there are lots of things I am having to postpone until he leaves home.

HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 07:39

Well of course she's not going to abandon her son, she's already said so! But she has every right to be pissed off. And she ALSO has every right to occasionally find other solutions to the situation and fly out to see her new partner. Clearly it can't be every other weekend though.

It's just shit that the dc's father is such a twat...

Original poster
Weathergames · 17/06/2014 07:48

My son knows I don't resent him and he knows he is loved and is not a burden.

My partner and I are engaged he's not just a fling - I have planned a life together! We have his children on the weekends we have my children - I drive 5 hrs each way to get them sometimes.

I also have them sometimes when their dad is away from months with work.

OP posts:
Mckayz · 17/06/2014 07:50

Luggage, I am pretty sure you are reading another thread to everyone else.

Why on earth should the OP have to give up going to see her DP but her twat of an XH doesn't have to give anything up? Please explain this to me.

My sons go to their Dads every other weekend. Should I sit at home holding the phone just in case they ring?

Bollocks to that.

LineRunner · 17/06/2014 09:03

Luggage seems a bit goady to me. No-one is actually that dim.

Original poster
Weathergames · 17/06/2014 09:07

I appreciate the doesn't want to leave him at theirs what galls me is he expects me to be ok with leaving him at mine when it's his weekend to have him anyway - and he has discussed this with DS without involving me.

That's makes me feel undermined and furious!

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 09:20

Will this happen every weekend he's supposed to have them Weather, or just weekends when they plan to go away somewhere? Wouldn't it be quite expensive for him to go away every weekend he's supposed to have his DC?!

Dumpylump · 17/06/2014 09:28

How has luggage managed to post from the '50s?

HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 09:29

Oh, it must be like 'The Lakehouse'..... she's posting from the past and here it appears in our present.

LineRunner · 17/06/2014 09:34

That would explain how a flight to Scotland appears to be a jet set lifestyle I suppose.

newfiechops · 17/06/2014 09:40

Ultimately, it is for your ex husband to sort out with his son and current partner. If your son works every weekend, then your ex will never be able to take the children away. Could your son get the odd weekend off to enable him to go with them? I guess that also depends on how frequently they go away. Could you not all sit round a table, maybe with a moderator and thrash things out? I do not think that this is OP's problem at all. If your ex is going away and your son cannot be left alone, then he needs to arrange for someone (e.g. a grandparent, or employ a responsible person) to stay in the house with him & supervise.

Dayshiftdoris · 17/06/2014 09:43

OP you are right to be furious, especially as he's discussed with DS before you but I will say make sure you separate the resentment of YEARS of this kind of shitty behaviour from this situation to deal with it.

You, sadly will probably have to pull another miracle from your arse and I am sure your DS will be largely unaware (fact you even know tells me that because by 16 they generally know to keep quiet if they are going to upset youSmile).

Hope you get it sorted and in a way that your weekends are not interrupted. You are absolutely right to give your relationship priority and I say that as a single parent with absolutely no support who can't even leave the house due to my sons anxieties at the moment...
You DO not have to be just mum until they are all adults, it does not mean you are a bad parent and in fact I bet it enhances your children's lives.

Original poster
Weathergames · 17/06/2014 09:54

No Flybe is not incredibly jetset :)

Is difficult to talk to ex as he has blocked my number which is really useful in emergencies Hmm.

No will not happen every weekend but very tricky for me to book a flight in advance (much cheaper) if he is going to dick me about last minute.

Also as we have 6 kids and we have them every other weekend (3 each) we only see other weekends when he's not away and it's quite nice to see him properly alone as the weekends with the kids are hectic and focused on the kids (rightly). I realise I may get flamed for that.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 17/06/2014 10:08

Actually snorted out loud at a Scottish military base being described as a jet setting love life!

You are absolutely not BU...sadly I can see no easy resolution to the problem. I guess if ex-h could be persuaded not to be a knobber you would have done so already and would have no need for the thread!

I agree that 16 is too young for a full weekend of no parental supervision and it would be dreadful for him to not be able to work due to his fathers unreasonable attitude. On the plus side, the next year or so will see him mature dramatically so this issue will be short lived

Original poster
Weathergames · 17/06/2014 10:12

Oh have you been to Faslane? queenofallIsee ? Grin

OP posts:
Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 10:19

I think you will find than many people would consider regular flights to Scotland as being an incredibly extravagant luxury.

if you don't you are probably a lot richer than most! I don't think it is something I am ever likely to have the opportunity to experience, ( average income)

it doesn't matter what insults and dates you through at me, this is in AIBU?, at to me it is absolutely crystal clear that the answer to that is YES!

Your DS comes first. Put the boyfriend on the back burner for a year or so. You have other responsibilities.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/06/2014 10:25

I'm actually aghast reading this thread! Seriously, are women not aloud any sort of life when they become parents. The father is letting his son down but somehow luggage blames op???

Resentful much?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/06/2014 10:26

allowed obviously. Grin

HayDayQueen · 17/06/2014 10:26

Luggage, be a dear and fuck off.

Original poster
Weathergames · 17/06/2014 10:27

I don't think having a partner in the armed forces in a luxury.

We spend 4 months apart every year and cannot contact each other.

That takes a massive amount of understanding and sacrifice.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 17/06/2014 10:29

Luggage will you answer two questions to prove you aren't a goady fucker

Why does the fathers wish to have a weekend away trump the mothers? Is he not to blame for putting his wants above his DS's?

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/06/2014 10:30

A year or so?
She has three kids you dont know how old the youngest is.
Cancelling your whole life is not necessary just because you have children.
OP YANBU.