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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH drinks too much?

59 replies

Moolin · 15/06/2014 13:57

DH has always been a drinker, we would often get through a bottle of wine a night pre DC but since having DC I've cut down a lot and he hasn't.

His favourite thing to do on the weekend is drink at home. He usually drinks thurs, fri sat & sun and would have a bottle of wine and a couple of beers, to himself each night.

We had strong words and he agreed he had a problem and has cut back but it seems to be creeping up. He had 4 pints on Thurs, 5 on Fri, 6 on Sat and has just bought himself 4 cans to drink today.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 14:05

Is he visibly 'drunk'? Does he behave differently/unpleasantly? Can you afford it? Does he have nasty hangovers that affect you and the family? Does he call in sick to work because of it?

Objection · 15/06/2014 14:08

That's a lot. More than is recommended and will affect his health in the long term.

Bloody expensive too, I imagine

Original poster

Moolin · 15/06/2014 14:08

He gets a bit slurry and bolshy. We can't really afford it at the moment and yes it means he is pretty tired the next day. He is noticeably different the next day if he hasn't been drinking.

OP posts:

bloominbumpy · 15/06/2014 14:08

I'd have to agree it's the following effects of the drinks rather than the amount.

But saying that it does sound like a fair amount of unnecessary booze consumption

LuluJakey1 · 15/06/2014 14:08

No. This is someone who has an alcohol dependency which is not going to just stop. YANBU. He probably tolerates the drink because he is used to it - so would not appear as drunk as some might. However, that in itself would ring alarm bells, as would him promising to cut back and being unable to do so. It suggests he needs higher levels of alcohol.

You are living with an alcoholic unfortunately.

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:10

It does seem like quite a lot, yes.
What rings a bell to me is the fact that he cut back and now it is 'creeping up'again. That used to be me - I would cut back, then bit by bit the amount would rise again. It was as if I was on a slippery slope.
Eventually I decided it was better for me not to drink at all.
I can't speak for your husband of course,that's got to be his decision.

Original poster

Moolin · 15/06/2014 14:13

He parents are both very heavy drinkers and he was raised around drunk people and doesn't see it as out of the ordinary. Granted, he drinks a lot less than his parents but once he starts he finds it difficult to stop.

He can go all week without a drink which made me doubt whether he had an alcohol problem..

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 14:14

If it was affecting me in any way (ie finances and bad moods/altered undesirable behaviour etc) then i would be having strong words and expect him to stop. However, regardless of how much the units are, if it made no difference to me, then it wouldn't bother me.

(I personally have no problem with alcohol dependency as long as no one else is affected and the person functions as normal)

thebodylovesspring · 15/06/2014 14:16

I wouldn't think it was sensible for anyone to diagnose such a serious problem as alcoholism after a few lines on the net.

However if he is tired and unable to participate fully in family life,and if you can't afford it then it's a problem.

My dh could and would tolerate that amount if alcohol and be fine the next day. When we can afford it he would indulge but we can't so he doesn't.

It's all about the context. The damage to his health is if course something he has to decide for himself and unfortunately people don't usually listen.

That's why there are so many smokers and obese people

thebodylovesspring · 15/06/2014 14:18

Yes MrsKoala well put and agree.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:19

What MrsKoala said.

Original poster

Moolin · 15/06/2014 14:22

It doesn't affect me at the moment (it did when he was drinking heavily), but I am worried about his health, I also don't want my children thinking it's normal to drink so much.

He is drinking more units than he should be and it is creeping up again.

OP posts:

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:23

moolin going a few days without a drink doesn't really rule out a drink problem or dependency. He may be craving for a drink but be able to resist. He might have the odd drink when you're not around.Or he may just have a very small amount of alcohol in his blood (it usually takes 4 or 5 days to detox completely).
Of course it's impossible to say one way or another, because he would have to be completely honest with himself. I didn't even understand that I was alcohol dependent until after I stopped drinking, and that was quite a while afterwards.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 15/06/2014 14:23

I wouldn't think it was sensible for anyone to diagnose such a serious problem as alcoholism after a few lines on the net.

I completely agree with this ^

I think it can be very dangerous to armchair diagnose anything.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:25

I get that you're worried about his health and that you don't want your children to see it as normal.

But you're in exactly the same position as people who are married to constant eaters. It's expensive, it can damage health and they don't want their kids to think constantly feeding yourself is normal either.

But other than explain this to them and try to be supportive and understanding, what else can you do?

brunette123 · 15/06/2014 14:25

surely there is a risk, if driving the next morning, of being over the legal limit after that much alcohol the night before even if he feels ok? Does he drive the next morning?

thebodylovesspring · 15/06/2014 14:29

I have friends who are functioning heavy drinkers and others who are obese and smoke.

All have careers and are good providers and parents.

I too get you are worried about his health but he's an adult and it's his responsibility.

You can't change people. You really can't.

LuluJakey1 · 15/06/2014 14:31

Symptoms of someone who has a serious alcohol problem:

Drinks alone at home or in pub
Looks forward to doing so
Drinks despite not being able to afford to
Is unable to stop drinking
Drinks to a pattern- in terms of when and how
Might be able to go days without alcohol but has a pattern of drinking which they return to
Drinks well over recommended units limit
Performance/ mood the following day affected by regular heavy drinking
Lies about it and how addicted they are-will claim DP is exaggerating or being unreasonable
Tries to hide/ cover up how much they drink
Continues drinking even though they know it is upsetting their partner/ family- can not or does not wish to stop

Sounds like a pretty good description of OP's partner to me from what she has said.

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:32

worraliberty she doesn't necessarily have to be 'supportive and understanding' if she doesn't want to live with someone who (potentially) has a drinking problem, at least not if it effects her and her children's lives. Why on earth should she be?

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:35

Why on earth should she be supportive and understanding of her DH's problem, that's quite likely to ruin his health if he doesn't stop doing it?

Errr maybe because she loves the man she married and had children with, and wants to help him to sort this out?

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:36

And she's already said it doesn't affect her at the moment

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:39

It affects his personality though. He get 'slurry and bolshy' and is tired the next day. And they can't really afford it.

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 14:39

fatlazy - but she has said it isn't affecting her at the moment. It's just a health issue. And if that's the case then it's down to him isn't it. Same as if your partner is overweight (MrKoala has a sweet tooth but the only time i think it appropriate to ask him to cut down is when he snores so much i can't sleep and he wakes DS, as much as i worry about his health it is none of my business what he eats as long as i am not affected).

Lulu - i always take exception to the 'drink alone' and 'look forward to it' aspect of that list. I know loads of people who like a bit of peace and quiet and a glass of wine alone, and who really look forward to it. I cannot see that it is a symptom of alcoholism. I just can't.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:42

So you think because he gets slurry and tired the next day, he doesn't deserve the OP's support and understanding to cut down on his drinking?

Sod being married to you

"You've got fat. Stop overeating. I don't want to be supportive or understanding, just sort it out yourself"...

bberry · 15/06/2014 14:42

I would question more his attitude towards his responsibility as a parent.... IMO one of you always needs to be sober incase of medical emergencies and basic care giving.... Who would drive your child to a&e if necessary, or react to choking etc....

It seems like the buck is stopping with you......

Example setting and long term health implications don't seem tone high on his priorities either

He needs to grow up and look at the bigger picture.... He has dependants now

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