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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH drinks too much?

59 replies

Moolin · 15/06/2014 13:57

DH has always been a drinker, we would often get through a bottle of wine a night pre DC but since having DC I've cut down a lot and he hasn't.

His favourite thing to do on the weekend is drink at home. He usually drinks thurs, fri sat & sun and would have a bottle of wine and a couple of beers, to himself each night.

We had strong words and he agreed he had a problem and has cut back but it seems to be creeping up. He had 4 pints on Thurs, 5 on Fri, 6 on Sat and has just bought himself 4 cans to drink today.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 14:45

Grin Worra

"You've got fat. Stop overeating. I don't want to be supportive or understanding, just sort it out yourself"..

Isn't that from one of Shakespeare's sonnets? ahh the love brings a tear to my eye. Grin

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:45

Why do people always mention driving to A&E?

Not everyone drives (we don't) and plenty of couples have a few drinks on the odd Summer evening, that would also mean neither of them would be able to drive anywhere.

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:45

worraliberty you're talking to someone who has stopped drinking, because my children deserved something better.
Support and understanding can only go a certain way when it comes to alcoholism, and then it becomes enabling.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:46

Yes, I think it was Shakespeare...or maybe it was a line out of Shameless

The two are easy to mix up! Grin

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 14:47

We're not talking about you or alcoholism fatlazymummy, we're talking about the OP and her DH.

andsmile · 15/06/2014 14:48

mrskola why would you not be bothered about someones alcohol dependancy, even if it doesnt currently affect you? I dont understand.

If my DH was dependant on anything that was detrimental to his health I would be concerned as i love and care for him I would not want him to develop a serious illness from it. He has a responsibility to try and stay healthy for our dependant children and myself.

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 14:48

ffs about the a&e. This is always brought up. IMO it's just ridiculous. A lot of couples have a few wines together and neither are capable of driving. (We don't even have a car Shock ). A lot of people are able to function in an emergency and call an ambulance after a bottle of wine. The idea that everyone has to stay sober and on red alert is just silly.

LineRunner · 15/06/2014 14:50

That list of 'alcoholic traits' is ridiculous.

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:51

Why's that linerunner?

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 14:53

andsmile - because we cannot control what other adults do which we deem detrimental. I can worry and have concerns over DH's health, but until it affects me and the DC it is up to him. It just comes across as controlling otherwise. And i don't think he has a responsibility to stay healthy (within reason and i think this is within that reason) for me and the dc. I think he has sovereignty over his own body, as do i. As an adult i can make these choices.

fatlazymummy · 15/06/2014 14:56

worralibertyI know we are talking about the op. I said her husband may have a'potential' drinking problem. Obviously she is concerned enough to post on a forum, therefore she must see it as a problem herself.
No doubt she is already trying the 'understanding and support' approach.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 15/06/2014 14:57

What mrsk said.

Also, I think two things have happened. You cut back and are now changing your own opinions on booze. You are judging him. You (I guess) used to drink on same nights. He's drinking more because he's now drinking your share is he? The half you used to drink but now don't. Tbh he sounds about on line to an awful lot of people I know. Dare I say fairly average.

So, is more booze being bought or the same amount? I'm not seeing alcoholic, just more than you might like now your consumption has altered.

Primadonnagirl · 15/06/2014 14:57

Alcoholism is a very complex disease with no hard and fast cause and therefore no two cases are the same.It is completely inappropriate for anyone of us to call a stranger an alcoholic.Even if we have experience of it ourselves.OP .. If you ( and only you) ..think your DH drinks too much then you need to tell him and explain how it affects you, the family etc. and ask if he is prepared to change. If he is you can suggest ways to help him. If he isn't, you then have a choice to make.

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 15:05

So someone could look forward to a small sherry on a Sunday night when their DH pops out to walk the dog. Money might be tight, but they treat themselves to a bottle of sherry every now and then. Their DH hates drinking so they hide it from him.

Drinks alone at home or in pub
Looks forward to doing so
Drinks despite not being able to afford to
Is unable to stop drinking
Drinks to a pattern- in terms of when and how
Might be able to go days without alcohol but has a pattern of drinking which they return to
Drinks well over recommended units limit
Performance/ mood the following day affected by regular heavy drinking
Lies about it and how addicted they are-will claim DP is exaggerating or being unreasonable
Tries to hide/ cover up how much they drink
Continues drinking even though they know it is upsetting their partner/ family- can not or does not wish to stop

LoveSardines · 15/06/2014 15:06

Yes he is drinking too much according to guidelines and common sense also.

He is also drinking in a way similar to huge numbers of people in our population - many would not consider a bottle of wine a night to be wildly excessive, more like rather inadvisable but not that extraordinary.

You have changed your drinking habits and now you want him to change his - that is fine to mention but I don't think deciding he has a problem when you used to be in it together as it were is going to cut much ice with him.

All you can do is tell him it's too much exceeding guidelines and you'd like him to cut down but no-one can actually change his behaviour except for him. Going on at him will not get you anywhere is what I'm saying. Unless he wants to pack it in. Of course if it escalates or his behaviour becomes troublesome in any way then again you can take action - what action that would be is difficult though. You cannot make someone else stop with this, they have to do it themselves, and they have to really want to.

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 15:06

That's 5-6 of the 11 on the list. This is why lists like this don't work. It should be individually judged.

andsmile · 15/06/2014 15:09

Thanks for explaining your POV, I get that and agree entirely. Just your other post sounded like you werent bothered Smile but I see now.

When does heavy drinking become alcoholism as in a 'complex disease' - is the same type of continuum as being healthy appetite - being greedy - overeating.

I'm interested as I am currently reforming my drinking habits - tried to as i knew i drunk too much units wise (bad moods and tiredness the next day) but then I have had some health issues (nothing serious but enough) and the doctor spelled it out to me that the amount I was drinking and the effects it was having on me physically.

thebodylovesspring · 15/06/2014 15:09

Just because you can print off a dubious list of alcoholic traits that may or may not for the ops dh doesn't make it a sensible thing to do. Each case is different.

I completely agree with MrsKoala and Worra

One persons heavy drinking is another persons light week.

Millions of people are a tad overweight but thankfully the fat police aren't knocking on doors and taking kids away just in case they develop diabetes.

Ffs with the A&E crap too. I had 4 kids spread over years so were me and dh never to have a drink just incase we needed to go to casualty?? Do people really live like that?

Adults are ultimately responsible for their own health and of course a loving partner should be supportive. The dh isn't pissed as a rat daily, beating her And the kids and not working. All reasons for leaving someone but not the case here.

I also question the influences on children. My parents smoked. Neither me or my dsis do.

My oldest son occasionally does.

It's not all a given to copy behaviours.

andsmile · 15/06/2014 15:11

Sorry thanks to MrsK

LoveSardines · 15/06/2014 15:13

There are better lists out there Smile

The issue is often not the quantity but the style. It's to do with dependence, the relationship with drinking.

Some people can drink and drink but they are not dependent on it emotionally.

Some people have a terribly unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but they may not actually consume that much, or that regularly (yet) or they may have iron control.

The former will make themselves ill eventually but they are not hooked.
The latter are hooked long before they get to the point where they are going to eventually make themselves ill.

It is hard to get across. Hope that made sense!

andsmile · 15/06/2014 15:14

I would say a month ago I had 6 things off that list - does this mean I was and aloholic and now Im not - I dont think it is is that simple.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 15:15

Very well said thebodylovesspring

MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 15:21

andsmile - Sorry, i realise my post wasn't clear and said i wouldn't be 'bothered' which does come across like i wouldn't care. Bothered is the wrong word i suppose (ffs i worry if MrK has too many bacon sandwiches in one week as i think he will die of bowel cancer Hmm and i love him so much) but i wouldn't feel it was fair/appropriate to say anything as he is his own keeper.

LineRunner · 15/06/2014 15:27

Just 'drinking alone' from that list gets on my tits. Many people happen to live alone, or to be the sole adult awake in the evening.

It is really patronising and offensive to suggest that their enjoying a glass of wine is a problem.

It is health service box-ticking diagnosis-grasping commission-grabbing dimwitted overkill. In my pointless opinion, obvs.

Fortheloveofralph · 15/06/2014 15:28

I think that's a lot of alcohol. His limit should be 21 units a week which is two bottles of wine and two beers.