Did you change your surname upon marriage?

[Gryffindor]

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

If you ever get an Gong in the Birthday or New year honours, your Married name will be listed even if you have NEVER EVER used it for work

(see the listing for Hilary Mantel if you do not believe me : why should her husband get credit for her work?)

That;s the thing though, although we are all free to choose, we can't say that our decisions don't affect others, they don't in isolation, but they do when they happen en masse. To me, the fact that the majority of women who marry still take their husband's names means that an unequal practice still persists widely in society. That is why I am always glad to hear that a woman is keeping her own name, even though that decision on it's own doesn't personally affect me. Each one gradually tips the balance towards equality in names becoming the norm not the exception.

I changed mine because

DH is from an ethnic minority and I wanted the dcs to have that name to root them in that community
I wanted the same name as dcs
I wanted the same name as the wider family (no-one on my side who Ive met has my maiden name)
I disliked my maiden name

If I had been the male partner and DH an ethnic minority female I don't think I would've changed my name (probably would still want dcs to have DPs name though )
If I was a man I probably would've put up with having a not nice surname (I almost changed it to my mums maiden name when I was about 20 but my dad was terminally ill and it would've made waves and when he died I was engaged and planned to change it to DPs anyway)

In conclusion - My decision to change it was a considered one, but not made in a vacuum.

I feel matters such as sexual harassment, equal pay and the glass ceiling are more important to talk about than names.
I can understand this argument but, for me, the fact that it's not life and death kind of makes it worse. Because I start thinking that if they won't even give up on this vestige of privilege without whinging and sulking then really, what hope is there?

Just to be clear, 'they' = men. I'm not interested in getting into a fight with women about this.

DH would have changed, which puts him in a minority of men (especially since my surname is quite difficult and his is very easy to spell). We seriously talked about it, and about adopting a new surname that wasn't either of our birth names, but concluded (jointly) that it wasn't worth upsetting MIL. She is in most respects lovely, and very supportive of me and my career, but she would have been really upset by DH getting rid of the family name, especially since his dad is dead, his brother is unmarried and his sister changed hers when she married and her DC have her husband's name.

I did but I wish I had not as it is a really unusual name and everyone who has met my inlaws know I am related to them. Not a great thing believe me.

I appreciate what you're saying, WhoKnows, and had the facts been different, I would have gladly kept my maiden name or gone double barrelled. We are sticking with DH's name for now, as we both like it, and it's easy to write/say. Furthermore his family is gone (due to tragic circumstances he hasn't go any family left, whereas I have a sprawling, huge family), so the name is a good way to remember them. Like I said, DH would be more than happy to change, if it was the other way round.

Maybe I shouldn't be a SAHM either, should it send out the wrong message to society at large? Or wear a skirt, high heels or make up? Or have coloured, long hair? Actually I have a mohical I've cut myself, I wear skirts/make up only occasionally, and never wear high heels

With regard to educating men and women and changing their ideas about names upon marriage. I don't know what the answer is. Maybe women should only partner up with or marry men who would see them as equals? I couldn't imagine marrying someone who would laugh in my face if I asked him to change his name. Maybe all that is needed is for women to look after themselves, and the lazy entitledness (is that even a word) of men, in this instance, would soon evaporate?

Well, i've never met anyone who lives their life in a 100% feminist manner, some do more than others. I have an engagement ring, so that's a feminist fail to me. But I do acknowledge that it was a non-feminist decision and that it contributes to the perpetuation of inequality just the same as taking a husband's name, so in that sense I'm not proud of it. I don't seek to attack people who make non feminist decisions, I just want to spread awareness of the implications.

WhoKnows: I guess we differ in our thinking about whether there is a "feminist" way of living, as I don't really think that's the case. However, I don't wear my wedding ring, as it annoys me (it was a cheap one I bought myself - I'm not one for romance), whereas DH wears his..

WhoKnows, DH and I both had engagement rings - I bought him a signet ring which he wore on his wedding finger. We both switched them to our right hands when we married (though his got stolen in a burglary a few years ago, sadly).

WallyBantersJunkBox Spanish surnames:

My DM: Mary Contrary Gardener
My DF: Joseph Shmo Clooney
Me: Caroline Shmo Contrary

DMil: Anna Banana Cake
DFil: Jason Orange Smoothie
DH: Santiago Orange Banana

It did follow the rule that DC had father's 1st surname+mother's 1st surname, but now you can choose the order you want (unless you are unfecidrd/fight about it, then it's alphabetical).

DC could then be:
Montse Orange Shmo
Ferran Orange Shmo
Or
Montse Shmo Orange
Ferran Shmo Orange

Eventually one of the surnames would die out, usually the mother's.

I have been told this is far from feminist, but to do with the aristocracy:
"Have you been invited to the Fitzbastard's NYE party, dahling?"
"The Fitzbastard-Dubonnets, or the Fitzbastard-Chomondleys?"

You see, you had to be talking about the SAME Fitzbastards

I kept my name, could never get my head around the idea of around changing it or why I would should/would want to. I know a few people who have gone double-barrelled and I think that's rather romantic, but DH and I both have long, similar-sounding surnames so that wouldn't work for us.

What does really annoy me is to read the thread where women on the honours list who have not changed their name have it listed with their husband's name too. Women are free to choose and once they have chosen everyone should respect their decision - including Buckingham Palace.

I didn't change mine - never even considered it, for feminist reasons (plus I like my name!). But when DH suggested that our children should take his name if boys and my name if girls I didn't want that - I thought it was better that they have the same surname, and we went with his. Now I can't really remember why that seemed important to me and I kind of regret it (we have one of each).

We double-barrelled our names. My maiden name is relatively unusual in this country and it identifies me with where my family is from - I could never imagine not having it. It seems very odd to me to just cast your name off when you marry. As we were planning to start a family and wanted to share a name with our future children we went with the double-barrel option. It's a little clunky but it works.

Some of my in-laws refer to us as Mr and Mrs [dh's surname] though and dd gets cards from them with their surname but on the whole it hasn't caused any problems.

What happens when 2 people double barrelled names marry?

Genuine question.

I have a friend with a triple barrelled name. If her dc's marry and merge their dp's name with theirs, that's a lot of names.

I guess they can do whatever they want - pick and choose from the four names on offer.

Quinto that is brilliant! thanks.

Am secretly hoping those are your names.

I've been married for over 30 years and never used husband's name. Recently my (now ex) bank insisted I changed the name on my joint account from my maiden name to married as they said it could look like "fraud" if I have two names.... wtf? Not long after, changed banks. The sexist bank? Nat West.

Mind you my husband has a boring, generic, all over Britain surname. I have a really good regional one and a much more interesting family history than him. Why would I change my really interesting name for a crap, generic one?

My niece got married over a year ago and changed her name to another really crap, everyday surname. I don't get it. Your name is better than his anyway - why not force him to use your name if you have to signal ownership, somehow?

I changed mine as soon as we married. We had decided to TTC as soon as we were married and I wanted us all to have the same name plus I preferred his surname

When we seperate last year I initially changed back to my maiden name, but then decided to revert back to my married name so my DS and I would have the same name (DH and I later reconciled).

To be honest if I were married to Joffrey Baratheon I wouldn't want to broadcast it either….

Separated, rather.