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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
squoosh · 15/06/2014 08:29

Upset? Um, no. I'm just trying to highlight to you that most men would definitely see their name as forming part of their identity whereas you don't. I wonder why that is.

I also wonder why it is that so few women ask or think to ask their husband to change their name.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 08:34

My reason is doing family history I much prefer traditional naming patterns- it makes life simpler! If we had change I would like everyone to change on the same date! And to the same thing.
I am also not really bothered as to who sees their name as their identity- it isn't mine - not right or wrong- it just isn't. I am both- and the one I had inbetween!

Spottybra · 15/06/2014 08:35

I don't think it was depressing at all.

His reasons for being upset outweighed my feminist principles. He pointed out that I had come from a close knit and loving, supportive family and I had my dad's surname anyway. He had never experienced that family life and wanted our children to grow up in a similar family unit.

What is depressing is that I consider myself lucky for having a happy marriage and a husband that loves and respects me enough to talk things through. I'm aware that lots of women throughout the world don't have this. Even my wonderful dsis experienced DV.

watchingthedetectives · 15/06/2014 08:39

The problem with using 2 names (as I do) is that in certain situations they check you on the electoral register - eg if they do a credit check for a card. They could never find me and even when I explained the situation profession etc (where it is common for women to keep their maiden name) they always thought I was a bit dodgy

Years ago I got refused a card in mothercare- which I didn't want anyway but I was knackered with a small baby and the sales person went on and on until I gave in then after much form filling and phoning they turned me down
I got a bit worried about the credit check so had it investigated and all was fine except for the names not matching.

On that occasion I think it did me a service - I needed a mothercare card like a hole in the head!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/06/2014 08:43

HaHa watching I can well imagine the situation Smile

squoosh · 15/06/2014 08:43

A bruised ego wins out over feminist principles. Yay for that man!

Chunderella · 15/06/2014 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 09:19

Since my first husband died unexpectedly, and suddenly, after less than 2 years of marriage I was really glad that I had changed to his name - he wasn't old enough to leave much else and at least he left that.

Zermatt · 15/06/2014 09:40

Why can't we just do whatever we want for whatever reason we want, feminism means we now have the choice, you don't have to do what is expected or traditional anymore, but if some people still like the traditional it's up to them.

Igggi · 15/06/2014 09:47

It's not a free choice though is it if some husbands-to-be huff and puff about it and get upset; and banks try to auto-correct names; and family members ignore their choices etc etc.

FryOneFatManic · 15/06/2014 09:52

For older generations, women changed their name on marriage simply because it was the done thing. It was automatic to change and they didn't even think about not doing it.

On speaking about this with my DM (aged 70), she said that if she had her time over again, she wouldn't have changed her name, she was very comfortable with her maiden name.

Have chatted about this with DP, he knows I wouldn't change my name, and has never expected me to. Clearly, though, the DCs have listened and absorbed our comments; DS, aged 10, has clearly said that he'll never expect his future wife to change her name Grin

And yes, my surname may be the same as my dad's, but now, after 45 years, that surname is equally mine and I'm very happy to keep it.

I still think it's very telling that so few men change their names.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 09:52

Maybe they are marrying the wrong person. It is as well to agree on important things first.
I have changed banks over their inability to spell our name correctly.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 09:55

I am 63 yrs and we all knew we could keep our names. Some did. My SIL who has kept hers is 67yrs. We are not all ignorant!

I can't understand why
Father's name - no choice for 23yrs= right
Husband's name - freely chosen for 25 yrs = wrong.

I am obviously 'a dick'.

TouchOfNatural · 15/06/2014 09:59

I was rather happy to get rid of my maiden name haha... And love my married surname. That aside I would want to ave the same name as my husband.. No matter the name.

Chunderella · 15/06/2014 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 15/06/2014 10:07

No, married twice my name has never changed, my kids have my exhusband's surname. If we go away together we have 3 surnames between us but everyone is happy with the name they have and we have never had any problems travelling.

weebairn · 15/06/2014 10:26

I'm so sorry for your loss Delphinium - that is really tragic and sad.

I would like to think a man would also feel the same way if he lost his wife, though… that he was glad he had taken her name to remember her by. I still don't understand why men don't find all the reasons on this thread good enough ones to consider changing their names?

madwomanacrosstheroad · 15/06/2014 10:27

I have kep my name, the childrens the children also have my name and my husband has his. In our case I already had a child when we met and I felt strongly I wanted all my children to have the same surname.
I certainly did not want to ever end up with several children with different surnames of ex partners.
Also I am from a background where in my father's country women were and I think sometimes still are expected to change both their first and last name upo upon marriage. They would take their husbands first name, add the ending ne and their old name kind of disappeared.
I always was a bit touchy about that since seeing a photo of my granny's funeral with only her married first and second name and no mention of her own.
Re the fact that my surname is my father's mame, that is correct but I had no choice in the matter and just decided I was the starting point.
When we got married eleven years ago it wasnt really an issue anymore. My husband gets called my name at schools bur he just laughs.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 10:34

I liked the name I was born with Chunderella - can't see why I would want to change it for no reason. [I was a family unit with parents and brothers] I wanted to be a unit with my DH and children.
I am still my old name too- just don't use it. If a complete stranger can phone me up from 300 miles away because of my first surname I am not exactly hidden! I still have that identity.
If someone rings me up and uses my name inbetween I will just say yes- why bother correcting- they are talking to the right person?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 15/06/2014 10:37

I like the name I was born with too, getting married was no reason to change it.

edamsavestheday · 15/06/2014 10:38

My Godmother kept her deceased husband's name when she married again in her 80s. She added her new husband's surname to her existing married name, which I thought was rather lovely.

I kept my surname - never occurred to me to change it, I like my name and it is my identity. Names are identities, that's kind of the point. Also matters for work, I'm a hack and it would be tricky to have bylines in two names - although not impossible, it would be an unnecessary hassle.

Dh pondered taking my name but decided against. Ds has my name - I would have chucked both at him but dh decided his surname is boring and at no risk of dying out. He chose to give ds his two Granddads' first names as middle names instead. So ds has my surname but dh made a lot of decisions around it.

Chunderella · 15/06/2014 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 11:25

I have only one point. It is personal choice and no one else's business. I don't see why I should even explain. It was my choice and that should suffice - others can do exactly as they like. I have children with different surnames, it has never been a problem.
I just dislike the attitude that you must have changed it because you thought you had to, or you are old etc- it isn't allowed that you had all the information and still changed it -because it is the 'wrong' choice!

Chunderella · 15/06/2014 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceres · 15/06/2014 12:09

"You can find it sad, but it is something you need to keep to yourself- as soon as you voice it you give the impression that your opinion is superior."

can I ask why you think I should not be allowed an opinion?

"It may be your personal experience, ceres but you shouldn't apply to everyone- it is not my personal experience."

I wasn't applying it to everyone. that is why I pointed out that I was speaking from my own experience.

"I am 63 yrs and we all knew we could keep our names."

it appears that you are applying your personal experience to speak for a generation. unless by 'we all' you are referring only to your own friends and family.