Did you change your surname upon marriage?

[Gryffindor]

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

Those jobs were skilled- I would think you would be proud to be called Baker etc.

There are also surnames such as Scully, Vassal, etc., and I'm told that some surnames ending in '-man' originally indicated servants, retainers, etc.

I am still proud of them - they are my family history. I come from a long line of agricultural labourers - as did the majority. I am proud that as a family they made the most of educational opportunities and moved on. I can't see why you need to be ashamed of your origins. One of my great, great, great grandmothers was called Baker and she married a Cooper- another occupation.
My first surname was very unusual, but from an occupation and my present one is a corruption from one.
Even if you are called Johnson who is to know what the original John did?
I really can't get upset because going back to when you can number 100s among your direct ancestors some happened to be servants!

owl - believe me, there is nothing wrong with my comprehension.

I can understand something and still find it odd, sad whatever. I work with child abuse - I understand why abuse happens but this doesn't mean I don't find it sad and difficult to deal with.

I spoke from experience that many women appear to see marriage as an achievement.

you saying:

"On these threads, it always ends with the anti name changers insulting those who chose to change. It gets rather tedious being told one is odd, sad and acting without thought. Your choice is no more or less valid than mine."

is strange considering you were the one doing the insulting. writing that I did not understand what you were saying is an implication that I am a bit thick. you also made an earlier sarky comment.

be honest if you are going to insult somebody.

if you look back through what I have written you will see that I have said I agree that it is a personal choice. hell, go for it - I have been on many threads on this subject before and have said the same thing. just because I don't agree with it and find it odd doesn't mean that I believe I should dictate how the rest of the female population decides.

"I very much agree that it is tedious being told you are odd, sad and acting without thought when you have merely come to a different conclusion from the person saying it."

there is a significant difference between finding a choice sad and odd and calling the person making said choice sad and odd.

in my experience a lot of women do not give any thought to changing their name on marriage - MY experience, of speaking to many, many women who have told me just that.

Yep I changed it to DH's, though if I get anything published that will probably be done in my maiden name. It was more important to DH than it was to me for the children to have his surname - all that mattered to me that I had the same surname as my kids regardless of whether it was mine or DH's.

"This sort of comment doesn't appeal to me because it's unnecessarily sneery and says "if you change your name to your husband's, well my God, you're so pathetic and last-century". And that isn't reading between the lines, it's what is being said! Not that Im offended, it doesn't bother me, but the tone is definitely judgy."

if that's the way you read it, fair enough. but there is rather a lot of reading between the lines going on.

the comment was made supporting my assertion that women have been conditioned by society to see marriage as an achievement and changing name as a norm. it is my personal experience.

You can find it sad, but it is something you need to keep to yourself- as soon as you voice it you give the impression that your opinion is superior.
Even if you know a lot of women who changed without thought you should not assume that everyone is like that.
I don't know anyone who didn't realise you couldn't keep it.
I heard someone asking my son's fiancée the other day if she was keeping her name and she said she was changing it. I am not bothered either way- why would I be? It is her choice.
My nephew's fiancée is keeping her name.
One of my sister in laws changed hers and one didn't- it is no big deal.
It is personal choice and nothing to do with society or other people.

It may be your personal experience, ceres but you shouldn't apply to everyone- it is not my personal experience.
My first surname still belongs to me. If I was to write a book I would possibly use it- but am more likely to use my paternal great,great,grandmother's first name and my maternal grandmother's surname because it gas a nice ring !
I can't see why people get so het up about things that are so unimportant. Or even if they find them important not realise they are trivial to others.

Sorry- stupid auto correct - has not gas!

I was enjoying reading this thread until I discovered I was a 'pretentious arsehole' for giving DS a double barrelled surname! OH and I weren't married, I was pretty sure if we did get married I would either double barrel or keep my own name, and I really wanted to share at least part of a surname with DS.

As it happens, OH left me for someone else when DS was a year old so now I'm really glad we didn't just give him his name.

If and when I do get married I will either keep my name or double barrel if it works. I guess I'll continue to be a pretentious arsehole

'I can't see why people get so het up about things that are so unimportant.'

I get irritated when people try to shut down conversation with 'it's not important anyway'. When clearly for lots of people the issue of womens' identity is important.

You might as well just stick your fingers in your ears and sing 'la la la'.

Sorry - haven't read the whole thread, but I use both names interchangeably. So haven't ordered a new passport/ changed email or fb. Bank cards are half and half. Refer to myself as mrs-marriedname.

I like the versatility. Is that legal? Should I be operating under one name?

But it is not part of some women's identity - that is the point I am trying to get across. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' and nothing makes me more bolshie than being told what I should think. If people want to make an issue of it they can- they just need to realise it is a complete non issue for others and they are just as valid. They are not ignorant - they have thought deeply about it.

I spent 10 months correcting DH when he said I was going to be mrs x. In the end it upset him so much I just name changed. Not with mind boggling speed though. I just about made the deadline for a name change on my driving licence without a fine.

It's just a name. I'm still 'me'. Nothing changed just because I married someone I loved.

Yes and the reason they don't see it as part of their identity is because this tradition is so ingrained in our society. If you think everyone woman who changes her surname has 'thought deeply about it' you're wrong. Lots of people change their names because it's seen as the done thing.

I'm pretty sure it is legal Partridge as I've heard lots of women talking about for example keeping their birth name professionally, but using a family name for things regarding their DC eg. school, family social life etc.

But like you I wasn't sure if it was OK, which has I think added to the slight stress and sense of confusion. Another time I think I'd embrace having two surnames for as long as I wished more whole-heartedly. Or indeed just keeping the first one!

'I spent 10 months correcting DH when he said I was going to be mrs x. In the end it upset him so much I just name changed.'

So depressing.

Is there a deadline for changing your name on your driving licence SpottyBra? I'm hoping not as I'm just in the process of changing mine whilst I get a new photocard licence and I've been married over 10 yrs.
I've had some communication with the DVLA and it looks as though they're going to be happy enough.
Surely it's up to women if and when they wish to change their surname after marriage?
I don't like the idea of a fine - Let's hope not.

There's no dead line that I'm aware of. I changed mine when I remembered. I still haven't changed a lot of things.

Maybe that is how you see it squoosh but it isn't how I see it and your unwritten message is loud and clear- you are right and I am wrong!
You are born into a family and arbitrarily handed a surname. I am lucky in that I got my father's name which I like because it is unusual . I am grateful not to have my mother's name which is boring and even more grateful not to have a double barrelled one inflicted on me.
I may have changed my surname but I am still my old one. I have been contacted by someone doing a one name study ( started long after I changed my name) and he has me down on his tree as part of my original name family. He knew perfectly well who I was! I recently went to a wedding where I hadn't seen some people for 30 yrs- they all said are you Delphinium and original surname- I just said yes, because I am! There was no need to give my new name- it was hardly of interest.
Even people working out the family tree on my mother's side find me and know who I am because I am equally of that name family.
I know who I am- other people can find it easily too.I can't see what my surname has to do with my identity.

'I can't see what my surname has to do with my identity.'

Great. Go tell that to all the men who would laugh in your face at the suggestion they change their name upon marrying.

Thanks Pobble that's good to know and nice to hear of others taking a similar laxidasical approach

I find this an interesting sentence in your post Delphinium ...
"I can't see what my surname has to do with my identity"

These sort of thoughts and the thread generally reminds me a bit that slaves often lost their original names and would be given a new one by their masters. Nuns also take a new name don't they on accepting holy orders - but there's some volition in that case.

I think names are important to most people really, but sure we can only say how we each experience things and the decisions we chose to make given society's expectations as we perceived them for us.
And I accept that most people much more closely identify with their first, given name - especially when their surname seems to be more arbitarily ascribed to them?

Am I supposed to get upset about that squoosh
If we were to have a one name get together with my original surname - something quite possible given the research and the rarity- I would be there with my DH and children because we just as much belong as my brother and family who happen to call themselves that name. No one would suggest otherwise. We would be equally invited.
If people want their DH to change they need to ask them- I doubt many do ask. I wanted to change and I did- simple and no one else's business.

Of course I identify with my name- I am equally my first surname, the fact I am using another one is irrelevant to me. I know who I am and other people can easily find out to- as proved by those doing family history.

In the case of slaves, nuns etc it was chosen for them. The difference is that I chose to change mine. I didn't have to, I knew I didn't have to, no one made me, it was my personal choice.