To be disappointed at perfunctory Christening present?

[shil0846]

DD was Christened last week and we asked, amongst others, my DS and BIL to be Godparents.

The background is that we asked them when DD was only a couple of months old and they came over all the time and seemed really to love her. We therefore thought they would be ideal Godparents. Since then, and as DD has got a bit older (now 16 m), their visits have tailed off and they rarely see her, even though I often invite them to come and they live close by. We've been concerned that they seem to have lost interest, but didn't feel like we could un-ask them.

They came to the Christening but didn't stay late. Their gift was a £20 first tooth box from John Lewis (I know because I bought one for the DD of a friend). AIBU to think that a gift from Godparents should be something a bit more special? They are both working and have expensive holidays so money isn't an issue for them.

I feel like they've gone for a default option and hurt that they put very little thought into the gift.

I agree with japanese margaret, what a strange response. Of course the OP's not worried about the present; it's about the level of thoughtfulness that went into the present. As we all agree, it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts, and I think the OP is worried that as there wasn't much thought and they left early, this couple may not care.

In your shoes OP, you can't worry too much now; the deed is done. If they're not going to be that involved in your child's life, you,ll just have to accept that. Perhaps being a godparent means something different to them than to you if you're actively engaged in the church.

At any rate, sounds like you have others in your child's life- it's time to appreciate them, and just let it be with the official godparents. I know it's disappointing, but sometimes things turn out different than we wanted, and we just have to accept and move on.

Tbh it is hard to have much of a relationship with a 16-month-old, as an aunt/godmother. They're too big to cuddle like a baby but can't hold a conversation yet, and tend to stagger around destroying things and wailing for no obvious reason.

When she gets to 2 or 3 she'll be much more interactive and maybe your DS and BIL will be more interested again. If not, perhaps it will be time to rethink the guardian arrangements.

I am totally at anyone being disappointed with a present. That really is an awful attitude and talking about it so much does indicate it really bothers you despite your denials. It's a perfectly normal dull sort of gift and even if it wasn't, to be disappointed is shocking.

Squeegle- but it's an entirely appropriate non tightfisted present for a christening!!!

I bought my god daughter a first bible (cost less than £10 spent days looking for right one as I'm not religious) and my promise to be there for her. Yabu and very greedy. It is not about gifts!

I don't remember the presents relatives and friends gave me as a child. I just remember the time they spent with me.

OP, if your sis is broody, is it possible that she and her husband are struggling to conceive and being around your baby is painful?

I second those who say you should have asked whether they were still interested in being god parents.

Apologies for derailing, but I don't actually believe that the MIL managed to trawl junk shops (I'd struggle to find one junk shop in my area, never mind several) and actually find a secondhand christening spoon engraved with the OP's child's exact initials. I mean, what are the chances?

She probably got in on ebay, so OP, if you're comparing, as you state in your second post, make sure you know exactly what you're comparing.

And the spoon obviously wasn't a unique gift if the MIL managed to find one with the same initial as the OP's child.

Mrs Ambrose - yes, that's what I thought. Perhaps in 16 months the sisters broodiness has turned in to fertility problems. OP how close are you to your sister if you can't discuss her involvement with DD/what might be going on in your sisters life? Easy to become self involved when you have a tiny one.

They probably aren't that fussed about being God parents and just did not want to say so.

I certainly think its rather rude to be so picky about gifts.

In my MIL's defence, she can't use the internet and has no computer, so I'd be amazed if she was ebaying. The spoon only has my DD's first initial on the handle (not all three - I agree that would be pretty difficult to produce).

We did ask my DS if they still wanted to be Godparents, as they'd been so busy lately, and she was adamant that they did. I couldn't then un-ask them without triggering a major family row.

After the Christening, all the guests were invited to lunch at a local restaurant. We wanted to treat everyone to thank them for coming. My DS was playing with the other children there but took no notice of my DD. They waited until coffee was about to be served and then said they were off as they had a house warming party to go to. Again I was upset as this had been in the diary for ages.

I bought my goddaughter a first tooth box for her christening along with a first curl box. I thought it was sweet :(

I can see you are hurt. I had an incident with ds1 when I called his godmother and asked her why she had lost interest and never visited him. I truly believed that she ought to be missing him.

8 years and 2 ds on I am a bit mortified that I thought anyone apart from me, dh and possibly grandparents would find him remotely interesting. Ironically now he is 8 his godmother is brilliant and actually rather interested in him as he can converse with her in quite a mature way. I do however think it is deluded to think that anyone except me and dh will "love him to bits". Or any of our other dc.

OK, so they did stay for lunch and only left after everyone had finished eating, with a perfectly convincing reason? It's not the crime of the century, is it?

What are you expecting from them as godparents? Hopefully they can help you to teach them that commitment isn't about gifts.

Tbf Silver, the little Church my children were christened at only has one service on the second Sunday of each month.

Perhaps you are being a tad obsessive OP. Life doesn't revolve around other peoples small children.

I hate the assumption that certain gifts aren't 'thoughtful'. You have absolutely no idea how much thought they put into it - they might have trawled every shop in their city and decided that this was the thing they liked most! They might have had it set aside for their own longed-for baby but decided to give it to your DD instead because she was so special to them. Your SIL might have always wished she'd saved her first tooth, so wanted to make sure your DD could save hers. They may have just liked it. You have no idea what their thought process is.

If they'd bought a packet of baby wipes from Tesco then maybe you'd have a point, but it's an entirely appropriate Christening gift!

The present is what my DH would have grabbed selected if I had sent him on his own to get a gift.

He would have gone straight to John Lewis, asked a staff member about christening things, took whatever they suggested and then gone to look at big tvs for half an hour.

I think the only thing that would've pissed me off in all that is the leaving early bit. Yes, they had a house warming to go to but they should've told you about that beforehand.

I would have been very happy with present and I wouldn't worry about the lack of contact, busy lives etc all get in the way. I wouldn't take it as lack of interest.

OP for example, right now I work full time with a 3 hour commute each day, I'm studying towards another professional qualification that has online lectures in the evenings that requires weekend study as well, I am renovating the house, I have money worries that have meant I have had to restrict everything that is not feeding myself and getting to work for the last couple of weeks, the next 10 weekends are full with father's day, a hen weekend, a wedding, a party for DPs brother who's emigrating, a birthday party 100 miles away, a holiday, a week volunteering at guide camp, a weekend away by the coast as DP has exams too and we both need to study, a home brewing course, the list goes on (and on and on).

I am also a godparent and my best friend is getting annoyed that I haven't been to see her in a couple of weeks. The trouble is that she is at home with the baby all day and is bored and tired and is desperate for people to come over and see her. I can understand how in that situation you might take it as people not caring. It's not that I don't care it's because of all of the above, it seems that once you do nothing but baby, baby, baby all the time you forget that life used to be very different and people without children (including you before you had them) can be very busy people, we're not sitting on the sofa all the ime befuddled by how to spend our free time until PFB comes along.

I think you need to lower your expectations a bit. They bought a suitable present (one that you bought for someone else), they came to the church, they came to the lunch and then they went onto another engagement.

When they do visit do you manoeuvre all conversation around to your dd? One of my SILs does and I struggle with her. We used to get on really well but she is beyond tedious now and we pretty much only see each other at family events. She has a 3yo, I have 4 (5-12) who she pays a normal amount of attention to. You could tell her your leg had just fallen off and she would say 'Look at dd's legs, she does this really cute walking thing with them. Show Auntie, dd, show Auntie, walk for Auntie.'
Do you think there may be an element of this going on?

'Perfunctory'. What a horrible word to describe a gift.

I was miffed that they left early as we had asked which dates worked for them, and they had nominated this Sunday. So, was unhappy that they accepted a later invitation on the same date and left before everyone else.

I would think it was rude to dash off even if it had been an invitation to lunch and no Christening involved.

I don't think (hope!) that I monopolise the conversation talking about my DD. Will give that some thought next time they visit.

DS is not trying for children at the moment as she wants to establish her career first.