I need to know if IABU with regards to comments from EX

[ICanHearYou]

So my husband moved out three weeks ago, well he actually sofa surfed and he was here a lot for the first week but he has been properly moved out since then and seeing the children 3 nights a week, usually staying over 2 or 3 when I am working.

The thing is he has been REALLY annoying/upsetting me this last week with little comments and things he has said.

One of the problems in our marriage is that he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful, I have piled on a lot of weight and since he left I have been trying to cut back on the calories (not comfort eating has helped) and just focus on being healthier.

So I have been having slimfast shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a huge salad with 4 cherry tom, a good handful of lettuce, cucumber and sprouted lentils and peppers and so on with a bit of salad dressing and a chicken breast grilled for dinner.

On Monday he looked at the bowl of salad I was eating and said that it was 'too much food' and gave me this really disapproving look, he then came back and said that it was 'too expensive' for me to eat a different meal to the kids (I had fed him and a friend as well). I didn't really know what to say to him so I just carried on eating my ONE MEAL of the day but it did make me feel like shit.

I don't know if this is BU or not because though it did make me feel like shit it might not have been meant to?

Anyway I have also being taking a bit more pride in my appearance, I bought a nice dress and put a bit of eyeliner on and when he saw me he said

'Hey did you see that myth busters where they proved that you can actually polish a turd' and started talking about it. I didn't really know what to say so didn't really meet his eye and I have asked him not to come around until Friday when he is watching the kids but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

He also got annoyed when I picked him up briefly to help me take the kids to the doctors (emergency appointment) and then into Tesco to get some antihistamine and though looking back I think I could probably had done it on my own, it was much easier having two adults there to run in and leave the kids in the car than cart them round tesco at 7pm so close to their bedtimes.

So he seems really annoyed with me and he has really been annoying me but I do want to make sure I am reasonable in being annoyed and not just blowing things out of proportion. I have had 10 years of him making snarky little comments like that about my weight and looks and then putting it down to him being 'clumsey' when I point out how he has made me feel.

He make a huge mess in the house, by 'moved out' he feels he can come and eat dinner here but will not tidy up and he bathed the children on Monday but left the water in the bath, dirty nappies all over the floor and their clothes everywhere so I feel like I get the shit jobs whereas he gets the nice spending time with the kids jobs.

So is he BU or am I? How should I approach it?

Maybe you can figure a way to make that 'not happen'. I know it's hard and the two of you probably have 'habits' from when you were a couple, but now is the time to break those habits. Just turn off the TV and tell him 'no'. Turn on a movie and say 'I'm watching something now'. Or just TELL him to go do something with the kids.

The thing is, I am happy to not watch television, I'll stick a film on the computer or do something else.

He insists on having it on, he insisted on buying a sodding tv package which I now have to pay for but he still pays for sky sports so he can watch it at the weekend.

It's just shit

You must do what is best for you and I am not there to see things first hand, but what right does he have to insist on anything in YOUR house? Is there anyway you can cancel it or is it a contract you can't get out of?

I'm really, really not trying to give you a hard time. But it seems that you may be 'stuck' in the patterns of the past. Is it that you think he'll refuse to watch the DCs whilst you are working if you cross him? If so, I guess I can understand why you just grit your teeth and put up with him and his selfish ways. If not, I really think you need to start putting your foot down. Just calling him on his behaviour isn't enough, he's already learnt not to be bothered by anything you say. You need to refuse to permit him to abuse your hospitality in the first place.

Again, it may be of necessity that you to put up with it. But if not, you need to be establishing the fact that you are a person to be respected and that he must not treat you or your home as a 'convenience'. You will have to be dealing with him for many years to come because of the children. I don't think you want his current behaviour to be the way he treats you forever.

The contract is in his name, it would be awkward to move it around now.

Work was horrific last night, truly awful I don't think I can stay there.

So everything is up in the air right now but when it settles I will continue readdressing things and seeing what I can change/not change about the situation

Just sending you a hug and some support. You've climbed so many mountains so far. I'm sure it will work out for you and your children.

Every day you get a bit stronger and able to tackle more.

I'm wishing you the best. I've been in a horrible work situation and it made my life miserable.

You are right, one step at a time whilst things are up in the air. Juggling isn't easy!

I think if you prioritise the things you can change in order of importance, it'll help you focus.

Plus, resolving them in the correct order will actually help solve things further down the list.

1: Work - you're not scheduled for much work, so use the time you do have to yourself to look for a better job. Call friends in to help with childcare if need be while you look,

2: get buggerlugs to cancel sky or transfer the dd to his account with immediate effect. He wants it? He pays for it.

Thanks Hissy, here are my priorities at the moment (and what I am doing to achieve them)

1. Get a better job

- Given my CV to my mother who is fantastic with hiring matters, she is going to re-write it and send it back to me

• Searching and applying for many jobs online, focussing on jobs I can do during the day while the children are at nursery and that will make me happy.
• Secured reference from Day Manager at work, meaning Arsey-Barstard night manager will not have to give me a reference

1. Make the house better for the children

-selling loft bed in bedroom/waiting for small insurance payout in order to buy yellow paint and some wooden bunk beds for them, at the moment they are on a mattress on the floor with no carpet, not ideal. It will take me time and buying little bits in as I can but I intend on carpeting their room, painting it yellow with a batman freeze and a batman wall mural (I'll draw and paint this) I want a big batman rug on the floor, a nice set of drawers and small cupboard each and matching batman curtains on both windows.

XH is being nice today, I have given him his bottle of whiskey and went out to meet my friends brand new daughter (3 days old she is gorgeous) I came back and he had done a lot of tidying and is being productive and connected with the children. I don't think there is any rugby on today.

Everything will fall into place, I'm sure of it.

You sound like a great mum and a strong person. He sounds like an abusive arsehole. Don't let him drag you back down.

Thank you, Koala I am just trying to do my best by them

Bloody hell woman! Well done! I have every faith that you'll move this mountain!

It will be OK! Xxx

Well done, ICan! Change the things you can seems to be your philosophy, and it is an excellent one. What a strong woman you are! He doesn't stand a chance, really, I'd feel sorry for him, except I don't.

Keep doing what you're doing. You'll get there.

And congrats on your result!

really, I'd feel sorry for him, except I don't.

This really did actually make me audibly smirk a lot...

Thank you everyone!

He was actually okay yesterday, I think he was very pleased to get a bottle of whiskey and as such behaved like a bt more of a human being. He volunteered to make dinner and generally we had a nice day.

I am still really hoping we can be friends, I think now I have pointed out his comments and how pathetic they were (rather than them affecting me) he has realised how he is coming across. When I told him about the 'polishing a turd' comment he said it said more about me than it did about him because I 'took it like that' which I said was absolute bollocks and I have verified that with various people who all think it is absolutely shocking. I told him that basically I don't have to put his ridiculous comments down to him being 'clumsy' or 'quirky' anymore because we are not a couple so if he says something that makes me feel like shite, I am going to point it out.

He sort of vanished off for a while and then came back and has been quite lovely ever since! Good for me and good for the kids.

I am still really hoping we can be friends

good luck with that. I know you wouldn't accept any such shit from a 'friend'

there is absolutely NO other way to take 'Polishing a Turd' than in a bad way. Good for you for telling him that was absolute bollocks.

Absolutely call him out. EVERY. Time.

My ex HATED that. Be aware that it will freak him out, he really won't know what to do, and he will do the rapid nice/arsehole cycle. DOn't let a single thing he does or say soften you. If he's nice, and apologises, tell him thanks, you appreciate his apology, but that he wouldn't have to apologise at all (over and over) if he was nice and respectful in the first place.

I will, I will call him out and I will also tell him when I am really happy with how things are going.

Today the Health visitor popped round, she was happy with the boys diet and my plans for the house, said they would help as much as they could but as usual that means filling in forms rather than anything productive or helpful.

I spoke to my boss and he has sorted my hours, every sunday night, every saturday night and every other friday. Works for me right now and after 6mnths/1year I can look for another job in a similar role. It also means I can do my volunteer work with probation which will lead to a proper job eventually.

I can also pick the boys up from school every day and drop them off, which I think is important.

its not ideal but nothing is. It works for now.

Is the prophet from Hull, by any chance jess?

I've reported jessmorgan for being a load of cobblers!

jessmorgan You again. I've seen you with this sh*t on other threads before. Apart from the fact that you are breaking Mumsnet guidelines by advertising in a thread your comprehension skills seem to be bit lacking -- she doesn't want him back.

Not forgetting of course, that what you are advertising is a load of old cobblers.

ICanHearYou What I actually came on this thread to say was please remember that there's a reason why your ex is your ex and every time he belittles you or puts you down, think to yourself that's why he's your my ex, because you're a spiteful little shit who is trying to belittle me.

Well done for you not putting up with it any more - if he comes out with anything again just tell him "your opinion on anything means nothing to me any more"; it will annoy him yes, but frankly, what do you care what he thinks?

"Its not ideal but nothing is. It works for now" and it will continue to work for you and get better x

Just to explain my post, the prophet is apparently called Brian.