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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to know if IABU with regards to comments from EX

147 replies

ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 14:20

So my husband moved out three weeks ago, well he actually sofa surfed and he was here a lot for the first week but he has been properly moved out since then and seeing the children 3 nights a week, usually staying over 2 or 3 when I am working.

The thing is he has been REALLY annoying/upsetting me this last week with little comments and things he has said.

One of the problems in our marriage is that he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful, I have piled on a lot of weight and since he left I have been trying to cut back on the calories (not comfort eating has helped) and just focus on being healthier.

So I have been having slimfast shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a huge salad with 4 cherry tom, a good handful of lettuce, cucumber and sprouted lentils and peppers and so on with a bit of salad dressing and a chicken breast grilled for dinner.

On Monday he looked at the bowl of salad I was eating and said that it was 'too much food' and gave me this really disapproving look, he then came back and said that it was 'too expensive' for me to eat a different meal to the kids (I had fed him and a friend as well). I didn't really know what to say to him so I just carried on eating my ONE MEAL of the day but it did make me feel like shit.

I don't know if this is BU or not because though it did make me feel like shit it might not have been meant to?

Anyway I have also being taking a bit more pride in my appearance, I bought a nice dress and put a bit of eyeliner on and when he saw me he said

'Hey did you see that myth busters where they proved that you can actually polish a turd' and started talking about it. I didn't really know what to say so didn't really meet his eye and I have asked him not to come around until Friday when he is watching the kids but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

He also got annoyed when I picked him up briefly to help me take the kids to the doctors (emergency appointment) and then into Tesco to get some antihistamine and though looking back I think I could probably had done it on my own, it was much easier having two adults there to run in and leave the kids in the car than cart them round tesco at 7pm so close to their bedtimes.

So he seems really annoyed with me and he has really been annoying me but I do want to make sure I am reasonable in being annoyed and not just blowing things out of proportion. I have had 10 years of him making snarky little comments like that about my weight and looks and then putting it down to him being 'clumsey' when I point out how he has made me feel.

He make a huge mess in the house, by 'moved out' he feels he can come and eat dinner here but will not tidy up and he bathed the children on Monday but left the water in the bath, dirty nappies all over the floor and their clothes everywhere so I feel like I get the shit jobs whereas he gets the nice spending time with the kids jobs.

So is he BU or am I? How should I approach it?

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 13/06/2014 15:06

And this is why handover needs to be at the door. He arrives, you chirp "toodles!" as you bound out, bag in hand.

You're working at 4 but he's there before 3?? Why??? Does it take you over an hour to get to work? I suspect he's pirposely coming early to berate and belittle you.

Tighter controls need to be set.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 15:12

No I asked him to come early so i could do some shopping before work, I would have gone but the little one was asleep so thought it would be better.

I did completely ignore him, I reminded him that I have had years of penny pinching times and now that I have some money he should not begrudge me.

He actually tried to suggest that his maintenance amount (which he doesn't give me all of anyway) should be lower because he looks after the children 2 nights a week. In my house, eating my food. Knob

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2014 15:19

Maybe you should tell him that. Childcare in exchange for meals. Oh and that you will have to start charging extra because his BIG FAT MOUTH eats too much!

eddielizzard · 13/06/2014 15:42

hmmm not a great situation but i can see why you're putting up with it. and really fantastic that you're managing to study with all this shit going on. your future is a lot brighter because of the leg work you're doing now.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/06/2014 15:43

I am more worried about this than you seem to be. This is a man who has sexually assaulted you in the past. Be careful, the more confident and independent from him you become the more threatened he might feel by it. I really would look to getting him out of your life sooner rather than later. I don't think he really believes it is over and when it dawns on him that you mean it I think he might not behave too well.

I hope I am worrying unecessarily but he is an emotional abuser who has also physically abused you.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 16:34

He sexually assaulted me while he was 'in the area' ifswim, he still did something I had expressly told him I did not want him to do and then he continued to have sex with me despite knowing I was not really enjoying it.

That is a deal breaker for me but I know he wouldn't jump me, because he knows as well as I know that I would go fucking menthol and damage him considerably more than he damaged me.

OP posts:
Inertia · 13/06/2014 17:04

In that case he is fortunate that you chose not to press charges, but it's good to know that you don't feel threatened.

Well done on your assessment results - your success in your studies, drive to suceed, and ateps towards a career probably make him realise how insignificant he is and how you will soon be flying way out of his reach - and instead of stepping up his owm game he is trying to drag you down with personal attacks.

If you can't totally avoid him due to childcare issues, you can avoid him being there at any other time.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 17:07

He is only doing as well as he is in his career because of my enabling him. I have really helped him to develop himself, we've lived on a crap income for years so that he could train up as an engineer and now he is begrudging me money!

I actually bought him a bottle of whiskey from the kids for Father's Day and had just hidden it when he started having a go about bloody money. He is pathetic

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2014 18:18

Then I'd sit right down & pour myself a nice tot of that whiskey. You need it after dealing with him, and based on his behaviour, I'd say the last thing he needs is alcohol.

glintwithpersperation · 13/06/2014 18:37

I'd like to kick the idiot, hard in the shins.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 18:44

I'm at work, they won't appreciate me knocked one back ;)

I just want him to appreciate that I am doing my best, I am intent on getting the house lovely for the boys, planning what to do with their bedroom and how to generally improve our lives, it's really sparked me on to be a better person and a better mum.

I want him to be onboard with that though. I really hope he is capable of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 18:53

I do enjoy telling people who have asked how the diet is going that I lost 15st in 3 weeks Grin

OP posts:
myusernameis · 13/06/2014 18:57

He sounds like a nasty bully. Well done on not being with him anymore ICanHearYou. It sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things in your life now that he isn't holding you back. You really don't need him to appreciate what you do, his opinion is not worth caring about.

FantasticButtocks · 13/06/2014 19:09

I just want him to appreciate that… Forget it. He's just not going to. Concentrate on you and what you are doing. Concentrate on you and your DCs, do not waste another thought on him, wishing he was better/nicer/more appreciative/less of a knob. Reserve your mental energy for things that matter. What he does and says doesn't matter anymore.

With all that you are doing, you sound like one impressive woman! Thanks

UncleT · 13/06/2014 19:26

The guy sounds like an utter wanker. Get him out of the house and keep him out.

AdoraBell · 13/06/2014 20:09

That's some impressive weight loss! And YY to drinking the whiskey yourself, or give it to your dad instead. Weasel doesn't deserve it.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 20:43

Eep! Work have only given me 7 hours next week! That is so worrying!

If I don't get 16 per week I am lying to tax credits :( hate zero contracts

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 13/06/2014 20:46

Utter twat. He's lucky you didn't laugh in his face about the lower maintenance crap.

Congratulations on your assignment! Wine

Hissy · 13/06/2014 20:50

Please get yourself another job. You can't work nights and you have to have regular hours.

Zero fecking hour contracts need to be outlawed. Angry

YouTheCat · 13/06/2014 20:54

I think you need to cut your losses with the job. Leaving because there's no childcare is reasonable.

And him being your childcare really isn't a good thing.

Stop feeding him. If he wants to see the kids he needs to sort out a flat. If he can't do that then he needs to take them out to softplay/park/whatever. He needs to facilitate seeing his kids.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 21:12

I won't leave the job until I have a new one but I will make it clear that without decent hour I have to leave. I just don't have a choice about it.

Am currently looking for extra jobs and jobs that I can do instead

OP posts:
Kerryp · 13/06/2014 21:27

Just read this through. He sexually assaulted you and you still want him around your children? Hey kids have fun with your beast of a father. I would be swapping jobs to one where I could look after my kids without letting a horrible man invade my home, treat me like shit and eventually treat the kids like shit.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 21:30

The children seeing their father is about them, not me.

OP posts:
Kerryp · 13/06/2014 21:33

So you are happy to let them see someone you've admitted is a sex offender. Just because he's not on any register doesn't mean what he did to you was acceptable, I really hope you know that. I don't mean to be harsh op, I really don't but that's what it sounds like is happening. Have you heard about contact centres?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2014 21:35

hear he can never admit that you are bettering yourself and providing a better home for the DCs without him. After all, he IS king of the universe. For him to admit you & DCs are better off without him would be for him to admit he's a loser & a failure as a man. Whilst it may be the truth, you shouldn't wait around for him to admit it because he never will. It's hard enough even for the best of us to admit something like that. It's enough that YOU know it, yourself.

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