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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need to know if IABU with regards to comments from EX

147 replies

ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 14:20

So my husband moved out three weeks ago, well he actually sofa surfed and he was here a lot for the first week but he has been properly moved out since then and seeing the children 3 nights a week, usually staying over 2 or 3 when I am working.

The thing is he has been REALLY annoying/upsetting me this last week with little comments and things he has said.

One of the problems in our marriage is that he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful, I have piled on a lot of weight and since he left I have been trying to cut back on the calories (not comfort eating has helped) and just focus on being healthier.

So I have been having slimfast shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a huge salad with 4 cherry tom, a good handful of lettuce, cucumber and sprouted lentils and peppers and so on with a bit of salad dressing and a chicken breast grilled for dinner.

On Monday he looked at the bowl of salad I was eating and said that it was 'too much food' and gave me this really disapproving look, he then came back and said that it was 'too expensive' for me to eat a different meal to the kids (I had fed him and a friend as well). I didn't really know what to say to him so I just carried on eating my ONE MEAL of the day but it did make me feel like shit.

I don't know if this is BU or not because though it did make me feel like shit it might not have been meant to?

Anyway I have also being taking a bit more pride in my appearance, I bought a nice dress and put a bit of eyeliner on and when he saw me he said

'Hey did you see that myth busters where they proved that you can actually polish a turd' and started talking about it. I didn't really know what to say so didn't really meet his eye and I have asked him not to come around until Friday when he is watching the kids but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

He also got annoyed when I picked him up briefly to help me take the kids to the doctors (emergency appointment) and then into Tesco to get some antihistamine and though looking back I think I could probably had done it on my own, it was much easier having two adults there to run in and leave the kids in the car than cart them round tesco at 7pm so close to their bedtimes.

So he seems really annoyed with me and he has really been annoying me but I do want to make sure I am reasonable in being annoyed and not just blowing things out of proportion. I have had 10 years of him making snarky little comments like that about my weight and looks and then putting it down to him being 'clumsey' when I point out how he has made me feel.

He make a huge mess in the house, by 'moved out' he feels he can come and eat dinner here but will not tidy up and he bathed the children on Monday but left the water in the bath, dirty nappies all over the floor and their clothes everywhere so I feel like I get the shit jobs whereas he gets the nice spending time with the kids jobs.

So is he BU or am I? How should I approach it?

OP posts:

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 21:56

Him being a fucking arsehole in the bedroom does not impede on his ability to father his children.

That is my opinion on the matter and it will not be changed so please stop trying to change it.

OP posts:

Kerryp · 13/06/2014 21:59

That's ok I'll stop. Have you heard of contact centres though? It's a way you don't have to see him and he doesn't have to see you.

Fideliney · 13/06/2014 22:13

Him being a fucking arsehole in the bedroom does not impede on his ability to father his children.

That is my opinion on the matter and it will not be changed so please stop trying to change it.

OP For the sake of anyone else reading, I think it is very important to be clear that sexual assault IS sexual assault ( i'm a bit uncomfortable with you characterising it as 'being an arsehole in the bedroom' which makes me think of duvet hogging) abuse IS abuse etc.

I can see that you are keen to minimise it for your own reasons and keen to insist that contact with an abusive man is good for your children and, again, you have your own, perhaps good, reasons.

There will be women reading, however, who have personal experience of some of these things, so I think it is important not to minimise sexual assalut, for example.

Fideliney · 13/06/2014 22:15

Likewise there is a school of thought that says that being an abusive male very much DOES impede fathering ability and many women do therefore protect their children from unsupervised contact with usch men. It is an option that is open to you too. I'll leave it at that.

Kerryp · 13/06/2014 22:19

Thanks Fideliney that's what I was trying to say but I'm not great at keeping calm and thinking through my choice of words

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 22:30

FFS I haven't minimised anything, I have separated from my husband because of his actions and he knows that is why.

I have not hidden it from anyone or minimised it in any way I have been pretty fucking clear about it.

I do wish I hadn't mentioned it on this thread though so cheers for that

OP posts:

Fideliney · 13/06/2014 22:36

I understand what you're trying to do. And why. I tried it myself for a while.

It is a mental tightrope that you are trying to walk and it will get exhausting.

In any case, having back-up plans and continuing to extricate your life from his can only be a good thing.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 22:44

Well I think I am being forced into that anyway, I am going to have to find different work and will not be looking for work where he has to look after the kids.

I am so pissed off with work, in the midst of all the shit I am going through, I really really didn't need this too.

OP posts:

Kerryp · 13/06/2014 22:49

Op have you no one else that could help you out if you got a job with more convenient hours? Sounds like a nightmare having to change everything all at once, how are you coping?

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 22:55

No there is nobody who I can make stay at my house 2 nights a week until I get another job. Just not possible

OP posts:

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 22:57

I am coping by complaining on here and enjoying my lots of freedom the rest of the week

OP posts:

Kerryp · 13/06/2014 23:05

good for you ican lets just hope something comes up soon. How old are kids? If school age could you try for a job within school? Would give you a lot more freedom to schedule round kids x

Littleen · 13/06/2014 23:32

What a horrible person! You can get so much better x

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 23:58

They are 1 and 3, the 3 year old is due to start school in September and the little one goes to nursery 10 hours a week, will be doing 15 as of September

OP posts:

Kerryp · 14/06/2014 14:10

That's quite difficult to work round, I have a 3 yo and too and it's a pain if you need work during the day xx

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 14/06/2014 14:31

Gah well he has been complaining about money again, he is concerned that he only has £340 disposable income left after bills are paid at the end of the month, I have said I will help him out this coming month because he is skint due to paying out a deposit on his room but I have said I will give him an additional £80 a month to cover a catalogue payment that we both used money on until September when his wage goes up.

Does that sound stupid? I feel like it is the right thing to do although obviously it will squeeze us a bit.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2014 14:47

I don't think ICan is minimizing what happened to her. Each of us has to deal with things that happen in our own way. My own X would never take 'no' for an answer, iyswim. Yes, that was sexual assault. But I dealt with it by leaving him. So has ICan. And I may be flamed for this, but I don't think that he presents a danger to his children based solely on his sexual behaviour.

ICan is dealing with this situation in the best way she knows how. I do not believe that she would leave her children with this man if she believed for one instant that he presented a danger to them. There are just some times in our lives that we have to make the best of a bad situation in order to gain what we need in the long run.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2014 14:57

Weellll, I must admit that I would be inclined to say "I'm feeding you twice a week, that should be enough". I don't know what costs are like there, but that's US$576.00. My son lives on about that after his bills are paid. He eats a lot of pot noodle & eggs and 'drop by dinners' at home. And he can't afford a lot of nights out, but that's what happens when you don't make a lot of money. It's what makes you want to better yourself.

I think that rather than give him money, I would tell him that I would pay the catalogue bill directly until Sept. You are (IIRC) newly separated and the financial aspects of your divorce aren't settled. You don't want to end up with less maintenance than you deserve because the courts see that you are or have been giving him money.

HayDayQueen · 14/06/2014 15:01

Can't you get an au pair?

That way there's someone there when you have to work the night shifts and you don't have to

a) rely on him
b) have him in the house.

Hissy · 14/06/2014 15:29

I can't be certain, but I don't think the OP's zero hours contract with the paltry amount of hours she's been allocated so far is going to cover the costs of an Au Pair.

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 14/06/2014 16:13

No au pair, no spare bedroom :(

Can I please ask Across what does IIRC mean? I've seen it so many times and I just can't figure it out!

That is a good idea and he will be happy with it, I will pay the whole of the catalogue bill in June/July and I have told him that after that he will have to make do with his £390 a month because actually that is plenty to live on if you cook well and eat properly.

I told him that he made me feel guilty about him being skint yesterday and then went out and bought a shop-packaged sandwich which is CRAZY

I met some friends in the park today who were quite aghast at the whole situation, they agree that the debts we got together should be paid together but the rest of it is just barmy. I am paying off lots of debt that we built up together also, so its not just him but he is not helping me pay that off at all.

OP posts:

EvenBetter · 14/06/2014 18:10

It means 'if I remember correctly'.

I wish you massive amounts of inner strength, and get angry ! During this period where you do have to have him in your property, he's there to see his children, no cooking for him, no chats, no exchanging of words, no giving him money! He's a disgusting sex offender and an emotionally abusive fuckwit, there's no need to engage with him in any way. If he gets threatening or abusive, remove him.

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 14/06/2014 18:25

Well I definitely put him back in his place today, he was useless, supposed to be looking after the children today and spent the whole day sat on the sofa looking at the television

I ended up taking the big one out to the park because it was such a nice day it seemed a shame to waste it...

Tomorrow I am planning on having a drink in the garden and I will be heavily suggesting that he takes the children to the park himself.

I should thank him, at least now I know I've made exactly the right decision

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2014 19:41

As far as joint debt, have you sat down and figured the total amount? Then divvie up the accounts til you each are responsible for half?

I still do wonder though, why he is there when you are home. I know he has no suitable place right now, but I think you should insist that he take the dcs elsewhere when you are relaxing in (again) your home. Does he not have even one friend or relative who would allow him to have the dcs there for an afternoon? What about a contact centre? Frankly, if all he is doing is sitting on his arse watching telly, then he may as well just leave, because that is NOT 'being' with his children at all. He isn't caring for or interacting with them. He's just being an annoying presence for you whilst you are caring for/interacting with them. Tomorrow I would meet him at the door with the dcs, the nappy bag, and a snack bag for the dcs and say "Oh, here is Daddy to take you to the park! Goodbye!".

You know, it occurs to me that mentally he still thinks of what is now 'your home' as still being 'his home'. That would account for the laying about, expecting meals, spouting off, and treating it as if he still lived there. He may actually think this separation is 'temporary' & you'll be asking him back as soon as you 'get over yourself', who knows? If you haven't, you may want to explain/remind him that he is indeed now a GUEST and that you would appreciate him treating YOUR home with the respect he would treat a friend's or stranger's home.

Yes, IIRC= if I recall correctly.

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 14/06/2014 20:06

He stays over at the weekend while I work and then gets up with the kids which is good for me, next weekend they've not put me down on Friday night which is crap but means he can stay away until the Saturday evening

I do hope he doesn't spend all of tomorrow watching rugby.

OP posts:

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