I need to know if IABU with regards to comments from EX

[ICanHearYou]

So my husband moved out three weeks ago, well he actually sofa surfed and he was here a lot for the first week but he has been properly moved out since then and seeing the children 3 nights a week, usually staying over 2 or 3 when I am working.

The thing is he has been REALLY annoying/upsetting me this last week with little comments and things he has said.

One of the problems in our marriage is that he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful, I have piled on a lot of weight and since he left I have been trying to cut back on the calories (not comfort eating has helped) and just focus on being healthier.

So I have been having slimfast shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a huge salad with 4 cherry tom, a good handful of lettuce, cucumber and sprouted lentils and peppers and so on with a bit of salad dressing and a chicken breast grilled for dinner.

On Monday he looked at the bowl of salad I was eating and said that it was 'too much food' and gave me this really disapproving look, he then came back and said that it was 'too expensive' for me to eat a different meal to the kids (I had fed him and a friend as well). I didn't really know what to say to him so I just carried on eating my ONE MEAL of the day but it did make me feel like shit.

I don't know if this is BU or not because though it did make me feel like shit it might not have been meant to?

Anyway I have also being taking a bit more pride in my appearance, I bought a nice dress and put a bit of eyeliner on and when he saw me he said

'Hey did you see that myth busters where they proved that you can actually polish a turd' and started talking about it. I didn't really know what to say so didn't really meet his eye and I have asked him not to come around until Friday when he is watching the kids but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

He also got annoyed when I picked him up briefly to help me take the kids to the doctors (emergency appointment) and then into Tesco to get some antihistamine and though looking back I think I could probably had done it on my own, it was much easier having two adults there to run in and leave the kids in the car than cart them round tesco at 7pm so close to their bedtimes.

So he seems really annoyed with me and he has really been annoying me but I do want to make sure I am reasonable in being annoyed and not just blowing things out of proportion. I have had 10 years of him making snarky little comments like that about my weight and looks and then putting it down to him being 'clumsey' when I point out how he has made me feel.

He make a huge mess in the house, by 'moved out' he feels he can come and eat dinner here but will not tidy up and he bathed the children on Monday but left the water in the bath, dirty nappies all over the floor and their clothes everywhere so I feel like I get the shit jobs whereas he gets the nice spending time with the kids jobs.

So is he BU or am I? How should I approach it?

It sounds to me that he is angry because you haven't 'fallen apart' after he left you. My ex did this to me, he thought that he was 'teaching me a lesson' by moving out, and that I'd soon see that I couldn't cope without him. In reality what he saw was me getting on with my (easier without him) life and smiling more, he moved into a shitty flat, had to do his own washing, ironing, cleaning and pay maintenance - he was not happy that I was doing well!

Don't let this bastard bring you down, limit the amount of time he is in your house, don't cook for him and tell him straight that what you eat is simply none of his business!!

You already ARE beautiful! You will just be smaller (and beautiful). Loved you 'in spite' of how you looked, did he? And I expect that he's God's frickin' gift to the world, is he? What a bastard!! DH and I have loved each other thin and we've loved each other fat. Now we love each other 'comfortably middle aged'. Love, period. Not love 'in spite of'. Damn your ex for trampling on your self-esteem the way he has, just damn him!

fantasticbuttocks makes a good suggestion, but I think I'd just say "F you and the horse you rode in on!! Keep your stupid opinions to your stupid self and your stupid mouth shut!"

Yeah that would be another excellent way of putting it!

Your ex is a total cock. Put laxatives in his food the next time you feed him.
Practise in the mirror
"Long hard stare.."would you care to repeat that?", "No, I didn't think so'
Yes " I'd like you leave if you can't be civilised and speak to me with respect in front of your children. Now please go'

Some childminders do take children overnight and at weekends. Might be worth asking a few if they'd consider this.

What a complete and utter tosser! He is emotionally abusing you because he is an inadequate little man with issues. He clearly gets some kick out of pulling you down while you are busy picking yourself up, don't let him! Tell him to do his own bloody cooking, clean up after himself and ultimately get his own place which is suitable for the children. I'd be more than a bit peeved I have to say...he'd be two testicles down by now! Bloody cheek! You're doing amazingly, don't let him shatter your confidence about anything...gosh this has really made me cross!! Hugs x

Hi Across..., thought I'd have a rant on somebody else's thread for a change! Lovely to see your usual words of wisdom here! xx

Hey MrsC! Good to see you 'out and about'.

Congratulations on getting rid of this sexual bully. The best revenge is to be happy and he can obviously see you don't want him back so he's trying to belittle you and make you feel bad.

Ignore his shit and try and sort out your life to the point where you're less dependent on him for childcare.

Go on with your healthy eating because it will make you feel better and eventually his insults won't bother you.

No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent - stop caring what this tosser thinks and concentrate on how well you're doing without him.

Writing it down gets it out of your head, stops it running round wreaking havock in there. So keep writing it down, keep looking after yourself as you know you deserve To be looked after and finish your degree.

Then kick his slimy arse to the kurb properly. Proper, regular visits like other divorced parents do, no moré making dinners for him and practice saying - oh do fuck off/grow up- depending if DCs are in earshot when he makes comments.

Well done for seeing the light and getting ríd.

Onwards and upwards.

Well I think I've handled it okay so far, I've just refused to engage in his stupid discussions.

He is going to piss me off this weekend I just know it! Then he is away for 4 days with work though which is good.

I do need to write it down because now when I think of the shit things he says I remember the things you all had said and it makes me feel a lot better.

Our tc have just come in! So I am going to take my boys on an adventure today!

He's a massive arsehole. I think it's worth you saying "for now, I'm willing to let you see the children in my home because I think it's better for them. I expect you to treat me politely and civilly at all times. If you continue to insult me in the way you have before, the arrangements will have to change". "Hearing their mum being put down and belittled is no good for our children. You need to think about your responsibilities as a father".

Ican , the degree to which you're minimising his behaviour is worrying. What he did to you isn't being bad in bed , it's sexual assault at the very least. And he has been let away with it , and is taunting you.

It's very noble of you to try to be friends with this misogynistic bully simply because he's the children's father, but you seem unable to see juat how wrong his behaviour is.

Well I did tell him quite clearly that he sexually assaulted me but he demanded we didn't talk about it because it would only end in an argument.

But I did tell him what he did was sexual assault, he is aware of my feelings on it

I agree write everything down, remind yourself that your ex is very very ugly on the inside.

I do think you should look for a job with better working hours, your self esteem and happiness levels will increase without such an irritating man coming into your home.

Could you, in the short term, act bored by his comments? 'Here we go again'. it's really not ideal though.

I'm just going to ignore them, if it gets too much I will say 'I am not comfortable with what you just said, please stop talking about it' and then carry on with whatever I am doing.

just to say, I put a lot of weight on in my marriage and although my (now ex) husband wasn't openly cruel when married, the minute he left he started to come out with much the same crap as yours is doing. It took an awful long time for me to realise that it wasn't me, that I didn't deserve it and that even if I am fat compared with when we met, that doesn't give him the right to abuse me. I am 6 years on - still overweight -but very much happy and coping and altogether fine. My ex will still make a dig when he can get one in - including an email he wrote me recently about how he wasn't paying child maintenance because of my weight I was obviously going to die soon so he'd have the children to care for then on his own! The man's a wanker!

You need to ignore (which you are doing) and remove him from your home. If necessary, a solicitor can help you do this and believe me, despite the cost, it will be money well spent. Get on with the divorce and push forward towards your own future as quickly as you can - don't prolong the agony. He needs his own place where he can see the children and has no right to be in your home poking about and making a mess. I know it's hard when you first separate because you don't really know where the lines are but you can draw them and feel confident in doing so as there is no legal obligation on your part to let him in now he's gone. Take care of yourself in all of this 'cos divorce is a hard slog but the end will be worth it.

Thanks all, I am not meaning to ignore advice but it is just not possible for him to not have the children for me while I am working, or for him to get a place of his own without being in a shared house not suitable for the children to be there with him. Eventually that will change, he will get his own place, I will have a day job and we can split weekends.

But for now, that is what we have and I am not prepared to sacrifice my independence by quitting my job.

He does the childcare on Friday and Saturday nights which allows me to work, that is how it is at the moment and if that changes he will be in a much worse financial position and so will the children and I.

I understand that. It's too much too ask friends to do childcare every Friday and Saturday night, and you don't want the DCs staying in a house with other random blokes/people you've never met. I wouldn't either. So you are putting up with the situation until you can improve it.

How much longer to complete your degree? And well done for doing a degree while you had this mill stone in tow.

Not only have I been completing my degree, in the last two weeks that he has been moving out I was supposed to do an assignment that I just didn't do. I started it on the 10th(, handed it in on the 11th and just got the result back...

71%m!

So chuffed with myself.

Degree will take another 2 years but I am starting volunteering with the probation service in September which should lead to a job in probation all things being well.

Hear as long as you are able to feel and do what is best for you & your DCs in the long run, then that's all there is to that! I think we all are indignant on your behalf, but we aren't criticizing you for the hard decision that you have made to have him there, because right now you feel there is no alternative.

Just remember that the only reason he puts you down is because he is a small, small man. And that he sees you strong and moving forward. Each insult and jab he takes at you in reality is just a validation of the fact that you made the right decision in splitting AND that he is seeing how much better of a person you are without him and he can't stand it!

Well done. Absolutely right to be chuffed with that result.

congrats.

He is hear now, having a go at me because he doesn't have enough money.

I don't even take the full maintenence I am entitled to because he is bloody skint but because for the first time in AGES I am not worried about money he is being a right knob.

And you are on here and ignoring him

No No NO! PLEASE JUST TELL HIM TO SHUT UP! Stick your fingers in your ears and sing 'la la la la la'.

Can you just leave for work now?