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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to know if IABU with regards to comments from EX

147 replies

ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 14:20

So my husband moved out three weeks ago, well he actually sofa surfed and he was here a lot for the first week but he has been properly moved out since then and seeing the children 3 nights a week, usually staying over 2 or 3 when I am working.

The thing is he has been REALLY annoying/upsetting me this last week with little comments and things he has said.

One of the problems in our marriage is that he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful, I have piled on a lot of weight and since he left I have been trying to cut back on the calories (not comfort eating has helped) and just focus on being healthier.

So I have been having slimfast shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a huge salad with 4 cherry tom, a good handful of lettuce, cucumber and sprouted lentils and peppers and so on with a bit of salad dressing and a chicken breast grilled for dinner.

On Monday he looked at the bowl of salad I was eating and said that it was 'too much food' and gave me this really disapproving look, he then came back and said that it was 'too expensive' for me to eat a different meal to the kids (I had fed him and a friend as well). I didn't really know what to say to him so I just carried on eating my ONE MEAL of the day but it did make me feel like shit.

I don't know if this is BU or not because though it did make me feel like shit it might not have been meant to?

Anyway I have also being taking a bit more pride in my appearance, I bought a nice dress and put a bit of eyeliner on and when he saw me he said

'Hey did you see that myth busters where they proved that you can actually polish a turd' and started talking about it. I didn't really know what to say so didn't really meet his eye and I have asked him not to come around until Friday when he is watching the kids but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

He also got annoyed when I picked him up briefly to help me take the kids to the doctors (emergency appointment) and then into Tesco to get some antihistamine and though looking back I think I could probably had done it on my own, it was much easier having two adults there to run in and leave the kids in the car than cart them round tesco at 7pm so close to their bedtimes.

So he seems really annoyed with me and he has really been annoying me but I do want to make sure I am reasonable in being annoyed and not just blowing things out of proportion. I have had 10 years of him making snarky little comments like that about my weight and looks and then putting it down to him being 'clumsey' when I point out how he has made me feel.

He make a huge mess in the house, by 'moved out' he feels he can come and eat dinner here but will not tidy up and he bathed the children on Monday but left the water in the bath, dirty nappies all over the floor and their clothes everywhere so I feel like I get the shit jobs whereas he gets the nice spending time with the kids jobs.

So is he BU or am I? How should I approach it?

OP posts:
bibliomania · 12/06/2014 14:48

Ah, cross-post about the childcare. You might be stuck for a bit until you can find a day job - I'd make that a priority if possible.

tak1ngchances · 12/06/2014 14:49

He is trying to upset you. Please don't let it work, please try and ignore him as much as you can.
I am absolutely sure that you are beautiful and you are totally doing the right thing eating your healthy food. Your salad sounds delicious!

Fideliney · 12/06/2014 14:50

Yes. Start jobhunting. It might take a while but once you've got daytime hours you can change the locks and ditch the worm entirely.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 14:53

Well not entirely, he is the childrens father!

I really hoped we could parent together and stay friends but I don't think he is able to do that. For a while he seemed so apathetic, like he expected me to just forget everything and us get back together but now the reality is sinking in I think he is a bit pissed off.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 14:54

Ive only worked there for a couple of weeks so I would like to try and stay with this company for 6 months if possible, just to get a decent reference.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 12/06/2014 15:02

Well not entirely, he is the childrens father!

It is more than possible to do doorstep handovers with just 'hello' and 'goodbye' though and if he tries to blur those boundaries you can even do away with those.

There is certainly no reason to ever have him in your home (sanctuary) or listen to a word out of his nasty little mouth again once you have freed yourself from your reliance on his help with nighttime childcare.

He is not a friendly co-parent. He is an emotionally abusive shit. You have to keep him at arms length.

Fideliney · 12/06/2014 15:03

Ive only worked there for a couple of weeks so I would like to try and stay with this company for 6 months if possible, just to get a decent reference.

Fair enough. Sounds like a positive plan.

Don't allow yourself to be derailled though.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 15:07

Oh I won't, I have a very clear long-term plan even if that means needing help with the children for the interim, I am most of the way through my degree and have plans to start my career very soon. It will all work out!

I just want to feel happy with my body again but bib was right, I need to not react to this, pretend it doesn't happen and then just write all the shit things he does on here.

Because it makes me feel better tbh! I feel much clearer now I've written it down and seen how bloody ludicrous he has been.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/06/2014 15:09

He is just a nasty piece of work who seems to enjoy winding you up. Doesn't matter what it is he's saying only that it is meant to be hurtful.. Ban him from the house. Don't engage in conversation

Fideliney · 12/06/2014 15:19

I feel much clearer now I've written it down and seen how bloody ludicrous he has been.

Yeah. Strange how that works isn't it? I know exactly what you mean. [gtin]

I remember long ago saying when I was trying to leave my ex, telling my friend at lunch one day, almost chattily, that he had threatened to slit my throat if I didn't sign over custody of one of my two toddlers. You lose sight of just how abnormal things are Hmm.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2014 17:04

Congratulations on your weight loss programme. I'm sure you will be successful and will love the 'new you' as much as you love the 'old you'. He is trying to sabotage your weight loss, you do realize that, right?

With your hours, I certainly can see the problem with childcare! BUT, the dinners and being in the house at any other time must stop. He should be arriving 15 minutes before you leave for work and departing asa you get home, even if it means a few hours less sleep for you for 6 months until you can find a job with better hours. DH used to work a similar shift but had to be up by 7:30 am to 'take over' when I left for my job. It got easier when the youngest started nursery as he could catch a nap mid-morning. Since it sounds like yours aren't school age, is there a possibility of a few daytime hours for them with a childminder whilst you do likewise?

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 17:14

The problems is my shifts start at 4pm in the week so I can only do friday nights, he isn't back from work until 5.15 so I have no childcare until then, he does a half day on friday so I generally work then and Saturday nights.

With him staying over, it really doesn't bother me, I come back at 1am, have an options hot chocolate and a half hour on the internet and then go to sleep, I wake up about 9ish and he is dealing with the children. If anything I will ask him to take them out for the day on a Saturday and Sunday before I get up so that I don't have to be around him but I am comfortable with him staying on the sofa and getting up with the children, they wake at 6am so I would have less than 5 hours sleep during the weekends and I wouldn't be much good to them! Neither of them go to nursery on Mondays so I would be zombified then too.

Plus I do still want the children to see their father a lot, they are very used to him and it is good for them.

Him walking home at 1am to get up and come back here for 8 or 9 would just mean we were both knackered.

OP posts:
Spero · 12/06/2014 17:16

What a pathetic, nasty little man. His comments say lots about him, nothing about you.

Fideliney · 12/06/2014 17:23

Plus I do still want the children to see their father a lot, they are very used to him and it is good for them

Just consider what you will do if they become the next targets for his spite.

parentalunit · 12/06/2014 17:27

No wonder you were comfort eating, he sounds awful. The things you describe him doing, and his treatment of you in your post show him to be bullying you.

I wouldn't let him stay...does he have another place he can go? His parents/siblings/a friend etc?

Spero · 12/06/2014 17:28

I agree. From what you have said about this nasty, spiteful man I am not so sure you can confidently conclude that he is 'good' for them.

FreudiansSlipper · 12/06/2014 17:31

please ignore everything thing he says or does as he is spiteful and will try to bring you down even if it seems like he is being nice

so pleased he is your ex, move on and only deal with him in regards to your children and financial matters

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 17:43

thank you everyone.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 12/06/2014 20:58

What an unpleasant, infantile man! You don't need anyone around you who talks to you like this, treats you like this or makes you feel like this. You're actually far more considerate of his feelings in your posts than he at all deserves, and far more than he troubles to be of you.

Seeing you doing something independently that's strong and positive and great for your self esteem clearly makes him feel threatened. Good, that shows you're on the right track. Grin I agree with PPs, cut your contact with him to an absolute minimum, stop taking such good care of him and show yourself some of that consideration instead! You've got a habit of being a co operative victim to him to break.

Congratulations with the diet, it is hard doing the same thing right now and it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job. Thanks

FantasticButtocks · 12/06/2014 21:23

he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful,

Shock

What a complete shit horrid man. I can see how you are fixed, with him looking after the DCs so you can work. Tricky.

So, in the meantime, you need to find a way to stop being in a situation where he feels entitled to talk to you in this way, and you feel obliged to listen/hear it. Back away. Don't engage with him or eat with him and cook for him. Could you just say, look, for this to work you need to understand that we are not together anymore, you are my ex, so I really don't want to hear your opinion, and I no longer have to pretend that I'm interested or care what you have to say

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 21:41

It's a hard thing to hear when you're trying to lose weight. You can be smaller but never beautiful.

I really want to be with someone who thinks I look fantastic or who is a great liar!

He told me that he was being honest and that it was proof he would never lie to me, that he loved me inspite of how I looked.

thing is when I met him I didn't look bad at all according to a few people I have spoken to.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/06/2014 22:07

The next time this prick says anything just use that we'll known saying:

"If you can't say anything nice...
Fuck the fuck off to the far side of Fuck, and when you get there fuck off some more.*"

*i may have mis-remembered it a bit...

:)

Seriously, could you ask a mate to stay over, or a relative?

He really shouldn't be in your home.

Hissy · 12/06/2014 22:09

If I didn't know better, i'd say you were with my despicable ex. :(

Please focus everything on getting yourself to a place where he never again sets foot under your roof.

He is poison.

Original poster
ICanHearYou · 12/06/2014 22:09

Nah you couldn't ask a mate to give up Friday and Saturday nights for eternity! That wouldn't be fair.

I see it as a positive opportunity for him to spend time with them without me being there.

Which is good.

I just need to protect myself from his idiotic comments and I think I can do that

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 12/06/2014 22:12

He's jealous, keep him out of your house.

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