To not want to get too involved with school life?

[Pinkrosesarebest]

Just that really. My twin sons are in Reception. So we are only at the beginning of our school journey really. I will help out in the future I am sure but haven't so far. I always send in money when asked. However 2 mums talked very loudly near to me and quite pointedly today and said it's always the same ones helping out, signing up or organising PTA events. Surely it is a choice rather than an obligation?

Ours is a small school, only about 120 pupils. So there isn't a big pool of willing parents to call on. It would really help if some others would step up just once in a while

So is ours. A small school but it's the same few parents all the time.

Do the parents who dont help, want the ones that do to stop helping?

so long as they don't then treat it as their exclusive social group
I think you have hit the nail on the head there.

They start to monitor who joins and exclude/freeze out/bully those who are deemed not welcome in their social circle ( yes really) and then whinge that "no one helps"

I think that's the problem.

It's perfectly OK not to want to get involved in your DCs' school's PTA and it is perfectly OK to pick and choose what you would like to be involved in. It is also perfectly OK to think that some of the activities of your PTA are misguided and/or inappropriate - but best to keep those feelings to yourself!

"Ours is a small school, only about 120 pupils. So there isn't a big pool of willing parents to call on. It would really help if some others would step up just once in a while."

Well, why don't they? What's stopping them?

Are they shy or intimidated?

Sometimes when you are close to something its really hard to realise that actually you are being cliquey and intimidating.

Sometimes there are small, practical things, like meetings being logistically hard to attend but people being more than happy to, say, put stamps on envelopes or run a stall.

Its not actually my experience that people don't want to get involved but rather that there is a perception that the PTA don't really want new people, that they don't know where to start, etc etc.

It's also quite OK to think that PTA "helpers" get treated like the hired help by Queen Bee PTA "bosses" and to not want to participate on those terms!

PTAs don't have to be as described by many posts here. If everyone expects that, then it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy as it puts others off.

I was chair of our PTA until fairly recently. I worked full-time as did the majority of the committee. All worked at least part-time. Half were men. All our meetings were in the evening and we never spent three hours in the playground discussing napkins. I don't have the time or inclination.

I hope we weren't seen as annoying Queen Bees (what would a male PTA committee member be called?) but it is hard to be sure. I do know we raised £30k in a fairly small primary school in my final year and had some bloody good events.

When I left I passed on to the new chair my contact list included the names of parents who were on the committee, or class reps, or who had played a role for organizing an activity recently, or who had offered to do so in the future. There were about 60 names on it - and that's not including all the people who just man a stall at the fete etc. if everyone gets involved then it works.

So to the echo the others. No you don't have to get involved. And yes you might find some tricky characters like anywhere else. But please don't pre-judge and please don't sneer without any good reason apart from what you've read on MN.

I think that its the PTAs who become a "friends exclusive" that run into problems irregular its suddenly dawned on me after reading the post about being a friends group that that was the case with ours - it was their whole social life and they policed who joined and literally bullied people they didn't want out.

Some of us have had horrible experiences - really, really nasty and upsetting. So no prejudgement here - Im going on my experience.

I agree mrscripps

Any other vintage MNs here? Anyone else remember Wiltshire and the mad tablecloth lady?

Surely the whole purpose of the PTA is to give all the other parents a target to moan about . Whatever they do is wrong I have found.

Ours is inclusive, holds meetings in the evenings every half term, runs some events for kids to enjoy and to raise funds for the school. Nearly 500 kids at the school same 6/7 ish parents turn up at the meetings (which are in the evenings). We are NOT cliquey. Some of our turner uppers are men, most work, some full time.

What is funny, perhaps because of threads like this or the media is the perception that PTAs are full of bitchy, cliquey caricatures. One mum turned up at our last meeting for the first time and shrieked "is this all the PTA is?!" just me and a few other friendly non threatening types (who are not a friendship group I don't know the others that well) sitting round a table with some bad wine.

If you don't want to be involved don't be that is fine. But don't slag off those that are, we are doing it to improve the school for all our kids that is all. Cleaning up after BBQs, scraping glue off tables, having the burden of an event on your shoulders, washing up. This stuff is NOT fun and NOT glamourous. Coming along and spending your money is great and supportive. But personally don't feel that is anything compared with those that have worked to put the bloody thing on in the first place. And you do get stuff for that money be it a burger or a fun afternoon for your family.

I think it would be sad if there weren't school events I remember them as a child. Still its more fun to be a cool critical mum downing rose on a rug rather than the frazzled mess with unsupervised kids running the bar, and in my next life I definitely will be the former!

MrsCripps that does sound awful. And non-professional. Nothing like I have experienced sounds horrendous no wonder you ran a mile.

At my dd's school they hold "parent consultation" meetings at 3pm on weekdays with a few days' notice. That alone puts me off. That's without even being a proper hands on person like a PTA person or a governor - basic parent consultation is in the middle of the afternoon with no time to organise getting there, ffs.

This thread is full of people saying "most people at my school who help out work full time" and that's great. But my dd's school is actively discriminatory against families without a SAHP. It is terrible about communicating with parents who don't go to the premises every day or nearly every day. Events like fairs involve signing up for things in person the day before, without notice, so your child doesn't get to see Father Christmas, etc. It really fucks me off for me, but it really really fucks me off on behalf of single parents.

And the double bind is I feel I can't complain about it because I don't have good enough relationships with the people who arrange all this! We all know the people who moan from a distance, without contributing anything, and I don’t want to be one. If I had done or said 19 good well received things, I wouldn’t mind the 20th being “there are things you could change”. But I have so little opportunity to get involved, the first, second and last things I could ever say, and only from a distance by email or something, are “why is everything so badly communicated to parents who WOH full time?”

Basically I have given up (already – my dc1 is in reception.) I will send things that are asked for in writing, unless they are things that have to be homemade by children without a weekend between the request and the deadline. I will support my dc’s actual education with reading, helping her prepare show and tell, etc. All the rest – they clearly don’t need me as they have made it impossible for me or my dp to take part, so fuck em.

Sorry I should have explained that better but was leaving the house!

I don't do it for a front seat - in fact, I attend as many school functions as I can because the children invite the governors and I like to show my support to the kids and staff and school. I often go to see things that my own children aren't in. I've also had a load of verbal abuse off parents for having a reserved seat when my own child wasn't in said play.

I also work, most governors do! I wasn't judging anyone who can't take on the role but please don't whinge about those of us that do! Governors have quite a big responsibility and not many people are willing to take it on. It's a shame, I think.

I agree with a pp who said £25 or whatever is a lot in one go, and a lot of families might not be able to find it. But spread over the year for discos, fetes and fireworks night etc it's not so bad. Although it would be a lot less hassle for everyone :)

Our PTA is also on the verge of closing because of lack of interest which would be a real shame.

Being a good governor is very hard work- and a school literally can't function without a governing body.

"We are NOT cliquey"

Yeah but, yk, no one thinks they are cliquey.

If you have only 6 or 7 people turning up out of a huge school and that's an issue, maybe its worth having a think about why most people don't find the PTA approachable enough to join in?

Because I can tell you that at my kids' last school, there were parents there who volunteered habitually. Scouts, Rainbows, local fetes you name it, they were there. Not the PTA. So I don't think its fair to dismiss it as people just being lazy. Its more complex.

Its this same attitude "without us there would be No School Discos!" But that's not true-or its not my experience, anyway, and its quite a cynical view.

I think one thing PTAs can do, pragmatically, is to put much more emphasis on getting to know parents and being friendly rather than turning it into some kind of a "how much can you do?" competition.

I think teachers do expect more than ever of parents these days (not saying it is teachers' fault necessarily, more due to the curriculum)- ironically, as many more children are in a family where both parents work - and there is enough to do without helping with fundraising.

However I have managed to be on the PTFA for a few years whilst working, some of that full time and it is great to see money you have raised being put to good use. Also I think it's much better for your children, they feel supported when you are an informed and clued up parent involved with school life- my parents never were and I always wished they had been. Having said that I have right royally had enough after being on the committee for several years, but will still help out at some of the events!

If people could just do a little bit- helping for half an hour at a stall for the summer fair, for example, it makes it better for everyone.

Bloody hell mine aren't at school yet just nursery but it's hard enough juggling Childcare where I work full time let alone being expected to volunteer too!

I work as a nurse so have a varied shift pattern. If my kids were in a play, had parents evening, sports day or something I would change my shift or book annual leave. Some people just can't commit to voluntary fun activities as they have already committed to providing for their families. It may be the same faces all the time as these parents are lucky enough to have a partner earning enough so they don't have to work, it's quite simple really, no need for anyone to be snide about it!

We do introduce ourselves at the new parents evenings. However one suggestion was that I as chair walk around all 4 playgrounds introducing myself to every parent. Sorry but that fills me with dread I am not confident enough to do that. Still am stepping down this term so not my problem any more.

It may be the same faces all the time as these parents are lucky enough to have a partner earning enough so they don't have to work, it's quite simple really, no need for anyone to be snide about it!

I find that comment quite snide TBH. I organised the quiz night, one of the main fundraising events at school while working FT as a lawyer and being the main breadwinner, FWIW.

I'm not too close. As I said before, I am also on the outside, until I volunteer later today anyway.

Our PTA doesn't seem to resemble some of those described in this thread. I haven't found any of them to be unfriendly or intimidating, there are no cliques, no queen bees. I don't think they're even especially close friends outside of the PTA. I guess I'll find out for myself soon.

I don't think most of those who don't help are shy or intimidated. They seem to be the same ones who always arrived en masse just after the start and left just before the end of toddler group so they didn't have to help set up or clear away.

They seem to be the same ones who always arrived en masse just after the start and left just before the end of toddler group so they didn't have to help set up or clear away.

Quite. And the ones who get together in little cliques to bitch about the school.

Exactly bom. Dh and I both lawyers and we manage. Actually it's not the non participation that bugs me but the non participation plus criticism. Dh is not an aggressive man but have never seen him so pissed off as he was after a stint on the BBQ (after a 50 hour week) where some parents were complaining about the wait for their food! He had to remind one lady to say thank you! He is definitely not cut out for volunteering

I'm not working at the moment. [Paid work that is]. It is a choice of sorts but we are not well off and make sacrifices re clothing, holidays, car etc and value range and hand me downs all the way.
I too find 'these parents are lucky enough to have a partner earning enough so they don't have to work' comment very snide.

Kerala - I do wonder if some people think you get paid for it rather than being a volunteer?

The op was not rude, but plenty of others have been.