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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SIL's wedding?

112 replies

xihha · 08/06/2014 23:45

SIL has just told me very excitedly that she's booked her wedding venue, she has several school age DC she wants to go, including mine, she has booked it for the start of September.

Having done the politely looking at photos and being excited for her (weddings really aren't my thing) and got home I've realised she's actually booked it for the first day of term.

DD has been asked to be a flower girl, she would be year 2 then, I'm not happy about her missing school but will speak to her school and see if she can have the day off, she's at an independent school so I'm not sure if fines apply/what they are like about days off. DS hasn't been asked to do anything at the wedding and would be starting secondary school that day which i think is far more important than a wedding.

DH thinks it will ruin her day if the DC weren't there.

AIBU to think that if having them there was that important to her she should have checked the term dates, especially as both me and her bridesmaid's mother had already said we weren't prepared to take them out of school for it?

And, WIBU to not let DS have the day off, miss the wedding myself so he doesn't miss the first day of secondary school and to send DD to school unless her school authorises the day off? (obviously DH can go whatever happens, i wouldn't ask him to miss his sisters wedding)

OP posts:

Original poster

xihha · 08/06/2014 23:46

Sorry, used 'school' way too many times in that post.

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 08/06/2014 23:48

I might let dd go if the school agreed. But I wouldn't let ds miss the first day of secondary.

cutefluffybunnes · 08/06/2014 23:50

What time of day is the wedding? Surely afternoon/evening if a weekday?

And no, YANBU to say DS cannot attend on the first day of secondary school. And I reckon you'll want to be there for pick-up on Day One. Frankly would not be pleased to have my DC missing back-to-school for a wedding.

Perhaps there is an evening event that you can all attend?

exexpat · 08/06/2014 23:51

If your DD is at an independent school they will almost certainly be fine with her missing a day (shame it's the first day of term, though) and they definitely don't do fines.

But I agree that your DS should not miss the first day of secondary school - there will be lots of important introductory stuff going on.

Yes, she should have checked the term dates if she wanted children to be there.

MissBattleaxe · 08/06/2014 23:53

YANBU, but tell her now.

It's great she wants to have the kids there, but it won't be possible unless she changes the date.

Bunbaker · 08/06/2014 23:56

I often wonder if people organising a wedding live in a bubble when they book it on a non school holiday weekday and then expect children to go.

Has she never heard of Gove and his policies?

Your son absolutely can't miss the first day of secondary school.

Original poster

xihha · 09/06/2014 00:05

cutefluffybunnes, the actual wedding is early afternoon so wouldn't get there, I will look into getting there for the evening though.

exexpat, thanks, I've not taken DD out for anything other than illness so had never checked their policies.

OP posts:

cutefluffybunnes · 09/06/2014 00:14

Well, that was poor planning on her part! Just tell her now that you and the DC can't make it to the wedding itself but will be there for the reception and you're all very excited about it and it will be beautiful... blah, blah, blah. Your DH can go so that's something, at least.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/06/2014 07:03

Tell her now that does she realise that she has booked it for the very first day of term and your daughter will only be able to attend if it turns out to be an inset day. She can't miss the first day of the year!

Whocansay · 09/06/2014 08:18

I wouldn't want to do this either. The first day of term is a pretty big deal and the first day of secondary school even more so.

You made it clear that you wouldn't do this when you spoke with her and she couldn't be bothered to check dates. Just tell her sorry, but it's not possible.

Plus, wouldn't you get a fine from the school for that? Or are weddings allowed?

Rideronthestorm · 09/06/2014 08:22

I wouldn't let my DC miss the first day of term at any age. It's the most important day of the year.

EverythingCounts · 09/06/2014 08:24

If it's 1st September, you might just be OK as our local authority has said they expect this to be used as an Inset day by most schools. Of course it needs checking out with the school even so. But I agree otherwise that the first day of secondary can't be missed.

Bunbaker - people without kids in school very often are in a bubble about this and don't realise what Gove has done (lucky them, in a way)

diddl · 09/06/2014 08:50

She does know that it's the first day back, doesn't she?

Original poster

xihha · 09/06/2014 08:55

I have sent her a message letting her know, it is 2015 she's booked for so she's got over a year and not done invites yet so plenty of time to change it if she's that fussed. I will probably get a nasty message from MIL in a bit but that's not unusual (I get on really well with the rest of DHs family but MIL hates me).

Sadly its 3rd September which is definitely the day DD goes back (term dates for the next 2 years are on the school website) it's also the day the LA website says state schools go back but as I don't know where DS is going yet i can't check for him.

OP posts:

ErruptionOnMyShoulder · 09/06/2014 08:56

Has your DS new school set their INCET days yet? In many places the first day of term the pupils are not in as the staff use it for training, may be worth checking with the school.

I wouldn't want a child to miss the first day of secondary school.

Original poster

xihha · 09/06/2014 08:59

diddl, she does now but I'm not sure if she did when she booked.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/06/2014 09:13

Well then I'd tell her that daughter can't go.

What she does then is up to her.

I would have thought a weekday ios difficult anyway as people will need time off.

Unless as many people work weekends iyswim.

MrsMook · 09/06/2014 09:14

Missing first days is messy. I had to miss half my secondary induction day for my dad's funeral, and it had a knock on effect for a few weeks after.

Is she in a different authority with diifferent term dates?

Hope she takes it well.

MrsMook · 09/06/2014 09:14

Missing first days is messy. I had to miss half my secondary induction day for my dad's funeral, and it had a knock on effect for a few weeks after.

Is she in a different authority with diifferent term dates?

Hope she takes it well.

wishingonastar123 · 09/06/2014 09:34

I can see both sides tbh.

I've just got married and we had it on a day that didn't suit everybody but after about 18 months of venue searching and discussions about dates we found that you can never ever please everybody and it came to the point where we just had to book a venue and a date that WE wanted.

But as a parent I wouldn't want my child missing the first day of school.

I would nicely mention it to SIL as she might be able to change it.

However, don't be offended if she won't/can't change it because I doubt that she will ever find a date that will suit everybody.

LoonvanBoon · 09/06/2014 09:56

My sons are starting secondary school in September. They would really, really hate to miss the first day of term, even if they were allowed. It's a massive deal & they'd miss loads of important information, getting to know other people in their tutor groups, etc.

The issue with your DD may be less clear cut: & I appreciate there's an element of family politics involved; but I'd still echo the key point that you & other posters have made - your son can't be made to miss the first day at a new school. That is way more important (for him & your family) than your SIL's wedding.

Original poster

xihha · 09/06/2014 10:02

MrsMook, no, we live in the same town.

wishing, i won't be offended if she won't change it, was more worried about her being offended when we don't go.

OP posts:

EverythingCounts · 09/06/2014 10:11

This is what is (almost universally) agreed on here though - that anyone can choose to get married on a wet Wednesday in Wednesbury or any other location/place they choose, but you can't then reasonably get offended if you've picked a time/place that makes it difficult for people when they don't attend. Weekdays are always going to be tricky in this respect and if people want to save money by having a wedding then, they have to recognise that it will probably be at the cost of having all their hoped-for guests there.

It's a bit of a strange choice IMO. If going for a weekday I would have gone for the week before, when a fair number of people will have time off because of it being a Bank Holiday week, and the kids would still be off school. I presume the costs are dropping at her chosen venue in the first week of September, and she hasn't thought that there will be a reason for that.

Original poster

xihha · 09/06/2014 10:46

SIL has just text back, she says 'don't be stupid you must have the dates wrong, mum says schools go back about 9th Sep x'

OP posts:

diddl · 09/06/2014 10:47

Oh she sounds lovely!

Do you feel kind enough to point her in the direction of the website?

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