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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL's wedding?

112 replies

xihha · 08/06/2014 23:45

SIL has just told me very excitedly that she's booked her wedding venue, she has several school age DC she wants to go, including mine, she has booked it for the start of September.

Having done the politely looking at photos and being excited for her (weddings really aren't my thing) and got home I've realised she's actually booked it for the first day of term.

DD has been asked to be a flower girl, she would be year 2 then, I'm not happy about her missing school but will speak to her school and see if she can have the day off, she's at an independent school so I'm not sure if fines apply/what they are like about days off. DS hasn't been asked to do anything at the wedding and would be starting secondary school that day which i think is far more important than a wedding.

DH thinks it will ruin her day if the DC weren't there.

AIBU to think that if having them there was that important to her she should have checked the term dates, especially as both me and her bridesmaid's mother had already said we weren't prepared to take them out of school for it?

And, WIBU to not let DS have the day off, miss the wedding myself so he doesn't miss the first day of secondary school and to send DD to school unless her school authorises the day off? (obviously DH can go whatever happens, i wouldn't ask him to miss his sisters wedding)

OP posts:
DeepThought · 09/06/2014 10:49

Email the term dates form

LemonBreeland · 09/06/2014 10:50

Oh dear, so her Mum has given her a vague idea of dates and she has agreed with it. You are going to have to tell her that you have checked it.

LtEveDallas · 09/06/2014 10:55

Text her back with a link to the website...and FWIW, DD has never started back at school later than 4 Sep.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2014 11:00

mum says schools go back about 9th Sep

No, no, they really don't.

It's not a moot point, anyway, it can be proved with a little light Googling.

Burtreynolds · 09/06/2014 11:04

YANBU to want DS not to miss first day of secondary.
YANBU to want to avoid DD missing school.

Has SIL got children? If not then I think YAB slightly U to be annoyed at her. In a million years this wouldn't have occurred to me before my own children were at school so I can see how this has happened. Try not to be too hard on her.

wishingonastar123 · 09/06/2014 11:06

Just out of interest, how big is her wedding?

We had a midweek wedding but we only had immediate family there, just mums, dads, siblings and our own children. My best friend came even though she is a teacher and I was fully prepared for her not being able to attend.
For us it was just about availability, we wanted to get married in May or June but the school holiday week was fully booked and we didn't want to get married in the summer holidays as the place would be full of tourists and the accommodation would have cost everybody a lot more.
Basically I didn't want to change all my wedding plans to suit one person.

Tbh I was quite surprised that most schools are starting on 1st sept this year, I don't think I've ever known it so early before, I would have expected it to be the 8th.

Original poster
xihha · 09/06/2014 11:06

MIL's youngest is 30, she hasn't had anything to do with schools in 14 years so how would she know, daft cow!

I've sent her the links for the LA term dates and DDs school website.

OP posts:
Original poster
xihha · 09/06/2014 11:08

its a huge wedding, without outing myself or SIL too much they have booked a very large venue and are inviting everyone they've ever met.

OP posts:
wishingonastar123 · 09/06/2014 11:11

in which case I'm very surprised that she has picked a midweek wedding and not bothered to check exactly when schools reopen because there will be loads of people with the same problem. It's not just the kids there will be people who work at schools. How bizarre.

SpicyPear · 09/06/2014 11:14

Well, she sounds delightful. YANBU.

mandy214 · 09/06/2014 11:14

My DC have never started later than the 4th or 5th either.

weekendninja · 09/06/2014 11:59

I would attend with DD but DS would have to go to school. I would be disappointed that I wouldn't be at home to welcome DS from such an important day.

weekendninja · 09/06/2014 11:59

I would attend with DD but DS would have to go to school. I would be disappointed that I wouldn't be at home to welcome DS from such an important day.

DenzelWashington · 09/06/2014 13:00

I don't think I would let either child go actually. SIL's epic planning fail is her problem.

HeadfirstForHalos · 09/06/2014 13:23

I wouldn't go at all. The first day of secondary is a special day and i wouldn't be keen on my child missing their first day going into year 2 either!

It's your sils problem.

CheeryName · 09/06/2014 13:28

I wouldn't want either child missing first day of school year. There is too much info given out.

Picturesinthefirelight · 09/06/2014 13:29

Your ds can absolutely not miss the first day if term at a new secondary & to be honest I'd be loath to let your dd miss too.

Incidentally schools in Staffirdshire do go back around 9th sep as the week before (the bank holiday week) is Potters Holiday week) but most other areas are earlier.

And independents can pass on details if unauthorised absence to fine - we got a letter from dds school about it

DenzelWashington · 09/06/2014 13:32

And if SIL and MIL complain, then point out surely anyone who wanted the children there that much would actually check when their schools went back instead of blithely assuming it was fine?

MistressDeeCee · 09/06/2014 13:32

Your son definetely cant miss 1st day of secondary school. That wouldnt be right. Its his 1st day at a new school.

Not so for your DD; she'd miss 1st day but at same school, and from what you've said it wouldnt be impossible to arrange, if you want to go down that road. & then she can be flower girl, and be at the wedding with you. Your son can join you all in the evening.

if of course you don't want your daughter to miss the 1st day then you'll just have to decline. Its either or, isn't it. I can't see any option of compromising. Unless you are worried about the fallout. Or for some reason want to make a point about the wedding. Yes, your SIL is thinking about her day. Its important to her. Yes she has made a mistake - but its done, all you can do is sort out what you want to do. Im not sure what MIL has to do with it but anyway, you just do what you can dont you

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/06/2014 13:40

If it's a weekday sure the venue can't be that booked up 15 months in advance. Even if she opted for a week later it would be better than missing the very first day. Hopefully she'll rebook it now you've pointed out the problem.

zipzap · 09/06/2014 13:54

Different areas go back at different times - my sis lives in a different county and there's almost always a week difference in our dc's holidays; her's always break up and go back a week earlier than mine.

This year for the first time, dc (at different schools) are going back at different times - ds1 goes back on the 8th - which was fab I thought as we could squeeze a cheap last week on holiday - until I discovered that ds2 goes back on the wednesday before.

I think also that this is the first time (within my dc's school history at any rate) that the local authority have started the school year in the middle of the week. It always used to be the monday that was the first day of term - so if it was a bank holiday monday at the very end of august, then you got all that week off and schools started from the 7th onwards. This year, they've decided to start the school year officially on a wednesday - which means that dc1's school is using the first 3 days as inset days and in the summer they break up on a wednesday. DS2's school meanwhile, are starting straight off and using the last 3 days of the summer as inset days so they break up on a friday. But it's a pain! And also shows how even within an area where they are usually the same - it's not a guaranteed thing, nor is what they have always done previously.

Which has just made me think that it also means the teachers aren't doing a 3 day chunk of their training until the very end of the year, so not much benefit from their learning for this school year for ds2! Separate issue I know

Good luck - will be interesting to see how sil reacts when she discovers that mil is wrong and she has therefore effectively booked the wrong day (assuming she wants the dc to come and knows you don't want to take them out of school).

Another vote for the kids missing the wedding and going to school - unfortunately but I think the first day can be so important. Especially for senior school. ds1 had to miss the first week and a half going back after the summer holidays when he was in Y1 - he had chicken pox so completely unavoidable. It screwed him up for the best part of the year and he never really settled in his class (a school where the classes are all switched around at the end of each year). I suspect it would have been better if his teacher hadn't been such a cow and that she would have managed to screw him up somewhat anyway, just he ended up much worse off than he should have been.

SanityClause · 09/06/2014 14:13

So, now she knows about the term dates, she might see if she can change her plans, as it may well affect a lot of her guests. Or she might not think it's an issue. It might not hurt to let her know that while many people would take a child out of school for a family wedding, very few would for the first day of term, and very few for a friend's wedding.

In your place, I would let DD go with DH, to be a flower girl. I remember at that age desperately wanting to be a flower girl, and never getting the chance. If the school authorises the absence, of course.

If DS is at school, I would not take him out. If it turns out to be the day before his first day, (i.e., if the first day of term is an INSET day) then you might just have to take the children home early, so he gets a good night's sleep. But at least they would be there for the actual wedding.

SadOldGit · 09/06/2014 14:18

Another vote for not missing 1st day at secondary - we have rejigged holidays to avoid this. Incidentally just checked our term dates as school have sent out - our schools back on 2nd in 2015

DorothyBastard · 09/06/2014 14:31

"Dont be stupid"? Charming.

believeintheshield · 09/06/2014 16:27

YANBU. We wanted a mid-week wedding in the first week of September but had 5 school-age children attending (3 in the wedding party) so we changed it to the last week in August. We didn't have children at the time but still managed to consider term dates! If it's that important to SIL then she can change it, especially if nothing's been booked yet. Going off the opinion of someone who doesn't have kids in school instead of the facts reported by someone who does (you) seems really odd. If she doesn't change it then it's her fault that your DCs can't attend.

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