Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

about SIL's wedding?

112 replies

xihha · 08/06/2014 23:45

SIL has just told me very excitedly that she's booked her wedding venue, she has several school age DC she wants to go, including mine, she has booked it for the start of September.

Having done the politely looking at photos and being excited for her (weddings really aren't my thing) and got home I've realised she's actually booked it for the first day of term.

DD has been asked to be a flower girl, she would be year 2 then, I'm not happy about her missing school but will speak to her school and see if she can have the day off, she's at an independent school so I'm not sure if fines apply/what they are like about days off. DS hasn't been asked to do anything at the wedding and would be starting secondary school that day which i think is far more important than a wedding.

DH thinks it will ruin her day if the DC weren't there.

AIBU to think that if having them there was that important to her she should have checked the term dates, especially as both me and her bridesmaid's mother had already said we weren't prepared to take them out of school for it?

And, WIBU to not let DS have the day off, miss the wedding myself so he doesn't miss the first day of secondary school and to send DD to school unless her school authorises the day off? (obviously DH can go whatever happens, i wouldn't ask him to miss his sisters wedding)

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 10/06/2014 07:28

I totally agree first days at school are important. Does your DH want the children to miss these for the wedding? It's a shame he can't deal with this.

grocklebox · 10/06/2014 15:18

Why should he? Its his sisters wedding ffs. Have you people no idea of family at all?

CarmineRose1978 · 10/06/2014 15:40

The first day at a new school is vitally important for making friends, let alone anything else, grockle. If it were your nephew, would you want to condemn him to at least a few weeks of finding it hard to settle because everyone else has already made friends and chosen where to sit etc because he was off on the first day? It's really hard to start after everyone else.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. I'd send DH and DD together, though, even if you can't attend.

Original poster

xihha · 10/06/2014 15:41

Why should he do what grocklebox? Last I checked the children and I were DH's family too.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/06/2014 15:52

"Don't be stupid" would have made me seethe. Ouch. I don't have kids but I would have assumed early September is back to school time.

Obviously your dh is the best of a bad bunch .

grocklebox · 10/06/2014 15:58

the post above mine says "shame he can't deal with this" as in the concept of a day at school being more important than his sisters wedding which it clearly isn't

Of course you are his family, TOO being the correct word there. His sister is his family also. You don't miss your sisters wedding for school! Thats just crazy.

OnlyLovers · 10/06/2014 16:03

Don't be stupid?

She can fuck off just for that.

LtEveDallas · 10/06/2014 16:03

...and yet grocklebox, on a thread just last month you were telling a poster that it didn't matter she hadn't invited her sister to her party because she was 'just her sister and doesn't mean she has to be invited to everything'

Feeling contrary today huh?

CarmineRose1978 · 10/06/2014 16:07

No-one is missing their sister's wedding for school, grockle. The OP's DS will be missing his aunt's wedding for HIS FIRST EVER DAY AT SECONDARY SCHOOL. Not just any day at school! Why is that difference so hard to understand?

MaryWestmacott · 10/06/2014 16:09

There's no way I would agree with missing hte first day of a new school. Any other day, then for an Aunt's wedding, take the day off (and I'm very anti term time holidays!).

The first day of school is too important, and MIL is daft because she's obviously created this difficult situation, if she'd just said to SIL "I don't know when the children go back to school, but it used to be the second week of september" then SIL might well have checked with you/the council's website before booking anything - by declaring that the date SIL wanted was definately before schools went back, she's created this whole mess.

Look at what's more important to your son, I would say the first day of school is vastly more important than his aunt's wedding (I really can barely remember the weddings I went to as a teenager, other than being a bit bored, I clearly remember the first day of secondary school).

Unfortunatley, she's going ot find a lot of people decline if they have school aged DCs. I'd take DCs out of school for an Aunt's wedding, but just for a friend's or a distant relative, there's no way.

Tell your DH he can go on his own with DD - it's really the only solution if SIL won't reconsider the date.

MaryWestmacott · 10/06/2014 16:16

Grockle- do you have school aged DCs? do you not understand that the first day at a new school is very important? It's not like missing a normal day.

Oh and when DH says it'll ruin her day if the dcs aren't there, does he really mean that? Does she spend lots of time with them 1-1, taking them out for days, paying close attention to their lives, are they very important to her? Or does he really mean it'll ruin her photos, which they will be put in, then she'll spend most of the day chatting with her friends and adult relatives? Or does he mean it'll ruin his day if he's not got his DCs and DW with him?

LtEveDallas · 10/06/2014 16:18

The SIL has plenty of time to change her dates if needed. Neither school is likely to give an authorised absence for a wedding, especially not the secondary school which would be disadvantaged by a child not attending their very first day.

OP and her DH will both be fined 60 per child if they take them out anyway, so that is an expense of 240 before they even get to the wedding. Add new clothes - 100, a gift - 100, petrol - 100.

Frankly, as much as I love my sisters, their weddings were not worth 540 to me.

DH is going to have to suck it up if his sister won't/can't back down. He can go on his own, or possibly with DD, but not with OP and DS. He can't 'have it all', and neither can his sis.

grocklebox · 10/06/2014 16:24

Yes, loads of them. One of my DC missed their first day as they were in hospital, and you know what? It was totally fine, the world did not end.

grocklebox · 10/06/2014 16:25

and if your sisters weddings aren't worth that (bumped up figure) then as much as you love your sisters ain't that much, is it?

LtEveDallas · 10/06/2014 16:32

Why is it a bumped up figure?

I'd say that was conservative.

The fine is a matter of public record, 60 per absence, per child, per parent.

New clothes for 4 member of the family - I didn't count a suit for DH because most blokes have them. But a dress/hat/shoes for OP, dress/shoes for DD, suit or smart trousers/shirt/tie for DS is easily 100.

I'#ve never spent less than 100 on a wedding present for an immediate family member - but OK, yes, that could just be me.

I accept I could be wrong about the petrol though, for some reason I thought the venue was a long drive away (because OP says something about not being able to get there in time), so gave it a tank of fuel.

I accept I may well have 'bumped up' by approx 100.

Again, as much as I love my sisters, I wouldn't have spent 440 on going to their weddings - it's too much money.

ZenNudist · 10/06/2014 16:41

Yanbu but if she hasn't got dc then she can be forgiven for being a pratt. Don't like the 'don't be stupid' - not very polite. Rather sets the tone. She'll realise she's been an idiot when lots of people use school as an excuse reason to miss wedding. Quite a few people won't want be able to miss work unless your SIL is a close friend or relative.

grocklebox · 10/06/2014 16:48

of course its bumped up. If you can't afford new clothes (or just don't want to buy any) you don't. Fines...maybe, its not automatic, is it?

You'd not go to a family wedding because you never spend less than a hundred quid on a present? Thats some really fucked up logic.

You don't love your sisters less than 500 quid (not that you need to spend anything like that)? Thats messed up,man, seriously. Way to put a price on family. Wonder how much your cut off will be for your kids wedding for you not to go?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/06/2014 17:01

Can the kids go to school and you pick them up and take them straight to the wedding? Both schools might be ok with them missing the afternoon if they've been in for the morning intro's?

They won't be flower girl or at the ceremony but you should be there in time for family pics and the meal/entertainment. Assumes it is on a Friday - if they have to be at school the next morning, I'd just send regrets personally.

weegiemum · 10/06/2014 17:08

My baby brother (well he's 36!) got married on a school day (Thursday - it was hallowe'en) 7 hours drive from us (as the m5 was shite and Cardiff is non-navigable, it should have been less!).

We went, it was 3 days off. But it was just after October half-term (Scotland), dcs were in P6, P7 and S2, nothing important coming up, dd1 had a reading in the ceremony, and as it was very last minute (sil very recently pregnant and they wanted to be married before dn arrived).

None of my family apart from 3 (of my 5) siblings went.

If it had been the first day of term/school/high school I'd have said no.

And as Gove has no juristiction here there are no fines!!

Db also said he'd checked term dates for us but as his wife is a teacher they were pretty much confined to her holidays. They had 3 days in London for a honeymoon!!

MaryWestmacott · 10/06/2014 17:44

I can see if you had no choice, like a DC being in Hospital, you can cope with missing the first day of school, but it will disadvantage a child. If the SIL is close enough to the DCs that their lack of attendance would "ruin her day" then she'd be close enough to care about them not missing the first day of secondary school and move her wedding date. Let's face it, she's not sent any invites out yet, she could move it easily if it really matters to her to have her DN there.

She could get married any date - turn it back on her, if she really thinks DN is so important, then she'll work round when he can be there. If she doesn't think he's important enough to find a weekend date - or even a week day in the school holidays - then why should he miss a day for her?

MaryWestmacott · 10/06/2014 17:46

BTW - in my experience, if some people are vital to have at your wedding (or indeed any event you are arranging), then before you book anything, you call to check when they can and can't do. For everyone else, you just book that date that works and hope they can come.

If DN is in the 'vital to be there' category, then his Aunt would have actually checked he could do it. (Although to be fair, it could be said she did with MIL, who just lied that she 'knew' when holidays were)

LtEveDallas · 10/06/2014 18:09

Nope that's not 'messed up man'. Messed up is a sister not considering her brothers children when planning her big bold wedding. The money aspect for me is immaterial as I wouldn't take my child out of school for a wedding in any case, but for a relative that would then money is another consideration. It's not putting a price on family - wedding attendance doesn't "prove" love.

And I didn't say I wouldn't attend a family wedding if I didn't pay £100 on a gift - don't try to put words in my mouth. I've attended all my families weddings, because they've all been at weekends - even driving accords Germany overnight to attend a wedding in the morning. I wouldn't have done it if my child had to miss their first day of secondary school though.

Weddings are expensive for guests as well as the B&G and paying out £400 on someone elses big day is a huge chunk of cash. Someone who calls their SIL "stupid" for pointing out that it is a school day isn't someone that I would put myself out for - even if the only expense was the school fine.

DDs school were very open about unauthorised absences - they would expect fines to be initiated. They would only accept applications for funerals/expected deaths, not holidays, weddings or travel. They even added that those exempted (ie serving military families) were expected to provide written proof that leave could not be taken in the school holidays - proof I had to provide when I was deployed for Jul and Aug.

The easy option is that DH attends on his own. No-one then misses school and SIL has her brother with her on her special day. If SIL desperately needs her Neice and Nephew there as well then she is going to have to rethink her plans - she has plenty of time to do so.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/06/2014 18:21

OP - How did you leave this with SIL? Is she going to try and move the date? I would take my kids out of school for my sister's wedding but wouldn't let them miss the first day, especially at a new school.

ChippyMinton · 10/06/2014 18:32

Why not just wait and see if your DS is available? Your DD can obviously be flower girl.

You should know about DS school by June/July even with appeals or waiting lists, so will be able to confirm attendance well in advance.

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2014 18:46

Your DH does realise that you will both be fined if you take your children out of school for this wedding?

Might be worth a mention...

Flip

1 2 3 4 5