about SIL's wedding?

[xihha]

SIL has just told me very excitedly that she's booked her wedding venue, she has several school age DC she wants to go, including mine, she has booked it for the start of September.

Having done the politely looking at photos and being excited for her (weddings really aren't my thing) and got home I've realised she's actually booked it for the first day of term.

DD has been asked to be a flower girl, she would be year 2 then, I'm not happy about her missing school but will speak to her school and see if she can have the day off, she's at an independent school so I'm not sure if fines apply/what they are like about days off. DS hasn't been asked to do anything at the wedding and would be starting secondary school that day which i think is far more important than a wedding.

DH thinks it will ruin her day if the DC weren't there.

AIBU to think that if having them there was that important to her she should have checked the term dates, especially as both me and her bridesmaid's mother had already said we weren't prepared to take them out of school for it?

And, WIBU to not let DS have the day off, miss the wedding myself so he doesn't miss the first day of secondary school and to send DD to school unless her school authorises the day off? (obviously DH can go whatever happens, i wouldn't ask him to miss his sisters wedding)

If the term starts on the day of the wedding, then virtually every state school will be taking that as an inset day - can't speak for independents.

that said, I would just say to SiL - as you have) that they are not missing a school day in the first weeks of term, so if that's when it has to be, they won't be able to make it. It's possible they won't be at school that day, but it's not something you can influence and not something you'll know until 3 months or so before the wedding.

Mistress, it's the fall out I'm worried about, SIL's fiance will be ok about it and eventually get her to see why the kids can't miss school, SIL will probably sulk for a few weeks but she'll get over it, it's MIL that will be an absolute nightmare, our relationship is rocky at the best of times.

Thanks everyone, now I know it's not just me being a bit pfb about DS going up to secondary I will go and have a chat with her. If it is DSs 1st day at secondary I won't go as i need to be at home sitting by the phone in case my baby boy needs anything so he can tell me all about when he gets back.

Actually, since MIL is going to be unpleasant about it, can you get your DH to do the sorting out? Better coming from him than you.

Just looked back and seen that your husband thinks her day will be ruined.

Is he projecting a bit?

My own sister, who was supposed to be a bmaid ducked out of mine on the Weds as I married on the Sat.

I was pissed off and upset,but as my husband said-the point of the day was for us to marry and that would till happen.

Well then Mil should have kept her gob shut about dates since she didn't have a clue!

And SIL. as an adult could/should have do e her own checking!

Oh my god! No way can your ds miss his first day at secondary school.

I know that schools generally start back in early September,not because I have school age children, but because I went to school for 15 years. Silly!

Is it possible for you to check the actual start dates at the schools in September 2015?

If they want a massive guest list then it's daft of them to pick any week day, as it will inevitably mean some people can't come, and having it in term time will make that even worse. I wonder how long till the penny drops?

I have Bunbaker but I don't know what school he's going to yet, it could be 1 of 8 (depending on 11+) some have inset days then, others don't.

Your child has how many thousands of school days? And your SIL gets married how many times? I would be pretty annoyed with you too. Even if you insist the kid has to be there, I would get someone else to pick them up so you can go.

Also its no wonder you and mil have a rocky relationship if you call her a daft cow for not knowing next years school dates when she has no children in school.
You obviously don't like his family at all and don't want to go, so let dh go alone.

Grok thousands yes? But only ONE ever first day at a new secondary.

A child only has one first day at secondary school though. It's not worth it.

Why is something very important in a child 'a life overshadowed by a wedding on a date that can be moved?

grockle, in the very first post I said obviously DH can go whatever happens, i wouldn't ask him to miss his sisters wedding I like SIL and FIL, SIL's fiance and I are friends and there will be free champagne, but I think my childrens' education is actually more important than me being at a wedding.

I called MIL a daft cow because rather than saying I don't know or looking it up she plucked a date out of nowhere and said it was definitely right, which is daft.

Yes he has 1000s of days at school but only one first day at secondary school, which I assume is when they get timetables, shown the way to their form room, meet their teachers etc. I've said i'll let DD go if school say that's ok but someone will have to be at home to get DS to school/look after him when he gets back, I can't exactly leave an 11 year old home on his own all evening while we're 2 hours away at a wedding reception can I?

YANBU OP, the thing is, they are making out they considered school holidays, but they really didn't - if they had really wanted to take this into consideration, they could have asked any parent on the guest list, or googled - the than just going on MILs vague inkling about roughly when it would be the start of term.

if it really is a huge wedding this will affect loads of people, especially those who also have to travel distances and would therefore miss the following day of school too and/or be shattered.

we did go to a wedding the Saturday before DD2 started school - it involved a whole day travelling back on the sunday, but she did sleep, so it was not too bad. groom was one of DH best uni friends but we would have not gone had it been a school day.

I would get someone else to babysit but as SIL and I have the same friends everyone I could ask will be at the wedding.

Grocklebox, she wasn't calling her MIL a daft cow for not knowing the dates, she was calling her a daft cow for pretending to when she didn't!!

I too would have assumed children would not be at school on September 3rd. My birthday is sept 4th and I was never once in my entire school time there on my birthday. So they must start earlier now.

It's an unfortunate mix up on her part but I'm sure she didn't mean to make it difficult. My wedding was weekday as it was cheaper for us and my nephews had to take in our wedding invitation to prove the absence was legitimate.

Yes Billie, they to go back earlier these day's. Thanks Mr.Gove.

I definitely would not have let a child miss the start of senior school. Will your SIL really be utterly devastated - or is she just being a control freak Bridezilla.

OP your DH and DD can go together, he can be at his sis' wedding, DD gets to be flower girl at her aunty's wedding. If possible, you and DS come along to the evening part. If you can't due to timings then thats that.

If the above as well as other suggestions can't be a compromise then Id think you don't like this family (your prerogative, of course) and are looking for excuses for you and DCs not to be there. I hope if she does change the date for you, there won't be another issue why you can't attend.

That is what I suggested to DH but he felt it was unreasonable, which is why I was asking on here. Its not I don't want me or the DC to go, I just don't agree with taking children out of school unless they are actually too ill to go, even optician, dentist and doctors appointments are booked to fit round school times.

Of course YANBY, in fact I think it's open minded to consider letting your DD attend the wedding.

Your SIL might actually be quite grateful that you pointed this out to her now, while she can still change the dates which hopefully she will.

We've been invited to a close relative's wedding on September 4th this year, which is the second day of term, and I had reservations about that, tbh, but it's only because DD is going into Y1 and she knows the class and teacher that I'm letting her take the day off (and, realistically, the day after as to add to the fun, the wedding is well over an hour away even though the couple live two streets away but hey ho). So unless we leave straight after the speeches, she's going to be beyond knackered for school next day.
But if it had been last year, and her first day in Reception, no way would she have gone.
And it's only because it's a close relative, who DD adores - if it was a friend, say, she wouldn't be going.
There are other family members who aren't going because of school/work commitments.
The couple haven't got kids and admit they didn't even think about schools when they booked it, they were just so pleased to be able to get their dream wedding for half the cost by booking it on a Thursday.
DD's school is also independent, but we've written a letter to say she won't be in those days and they are fine with it. I work in a state school and I think with enough notice, most heads would be OK with it, as it's not like a holiday you have chosen to take in term time, it's beyond your control when it is.
I definitely wouldn't take DS out for the day though. Although his aunt's wedding is important, that day is massive for him and he will miss out by not being at school that day.
He could go after school, maybe you could go and pick him up and bring him back later on while DH and DD stay at the wedding?
I think some people seem to think that their wedding should take priority over everyone else's lives, but the general consensus is, if you want lots of school age kids there, don't book it on a school day.