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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not hold the baby?

392 replies

trufflesnout · 08/06/2014 20:43

I don't think I was BU, but since I made a new mother look wounded today, I'm wondering if I was unreasonable or if she was being precious it was definitely her.

I was visiting a relative who has just happened to give birth recently. I'm not maternal at all and don't particularly enjoy being around small children (apart from my own daughter, who is perfect, obviously) but I don't tend to announce it to people since whenever I have I've been viewed as odd at best.

Even though the visit wasn't all about the baby, I paid the small pink loud thing a compliment or two for the mother's sake, as I thought it would be polite to do so since it had pretty much just emerged from her body. I think I must have shot myself in the foot with the two counts of prompted, generic praise, as at one point in the visit she asked if I would like to hold the baby.

I said politely and with a smile, "oh, no thank you".

She looked at me like I had just caved its face in with a toothpick. The conversation moved in and she didn't offer again thank God.

Was I horrendously rude in declining the offer to hold her baby?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

coffeeinbed · 10/06/2014 12:00

Blimey life, reading OP subconsciousness like an open book...

I suppose something can be said about your insistence to sign off barely concealed passive aggressive posts with x or even xx.

But I won't.

I wouldn't want to hold a baby, I've never cooed over one and no, it's not because of bitterness, I just never wanted to. Simple as that.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 10/06/2014 12:05

Need to embarrass myself here. Can't believe I'm asking this but can I have the defenition of passive agressive. I've seen it many times but don't know what it means.
Also just to add. I have never been aggresive in my life. This is a public thread and people will have their views. x

nethunsreject · 10/06/2014 12:08

I am never keen to hold other people's babies, but OUT OF POLITENESS I would either hold the baby or decline politely on the grounds of having recently had a cold.

Yanbu for mot wanting to cuddle the baby, YABU for being insensitive to another person (the mum)

coffeeinbed · 10/06/2014 12:08

In your case it would be post nasty comment while pretending to be helpful and kind.

Also using fake smiles/ smilies and sign offs.

HTH.

HippyTea · 10/06/2014 12:09

Life - May I ask why it's good manners to hold a baby? I know not having an interest in holding babies makes a woman seem the odd one out but I just personally don't understand it.

Not wanting to hold a newborn for me is nothing to do with being scared of dropping the child. It makes me physically uncomfortable to have a child squirming in my arms. I don't have a desire to hold a child anymore than I would want to hold somebodies new dog / cat or yoyo ( warning: bad person making insulting comparisons) Why is it that people want to hold a newborn? What is it us odd bods are missing?
Genuine question... what compels you to want to hold somebody else's child, what do you get out of it?

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/06/2014 12:14

I'm not overly maternal, and although I enjoyed cuddling my own babies I don't get excited about cuddling other people's babies. However, whenever a friend has offered I always take the baby, I mean, even if it's not your thing, it's hardly unpleasant is it? Plus the mum would probably enjoy giving her arms a rest for 5, or be able to nip to the loo etc.

If you really can't face holding a baby then at least make an excuse up, like being nervous about holding other's delicate babies, so they know the problem is yours, and not with their child.

Lweji · 10/06/2014 12:14

How is not wanting to hold a baby insensitive to the mother?
Unless the mother was asking specifically to get her hands free, why should anyone want to hold another woman's baby? You can still interact with the little one without holding him or her. And it's no reflection on the baby or the mother.

duckbilledplatitudes · 10/06/2014 12:16

Why should anyone have to justify oneself in not wanting to hold someone else's baby? Where is it written that anyone has to love, like or even be at all interested in babies that aren't one's own in order to qualify as a decent human being?

Some of us simply don't find babies appealing, and the assumption that all women love to hold a baby is offensive in its own right IMHO. Also, if the mum needed the loo or whatever, as has been suggested, then she should have asked the OP directly to mind the baby for a moment, so that's also a slight red herring IMHO.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 10/06/2014 12:16

It's manners because imagine how embarrassed the mum must have felt when O.P refused to hold her baby. I guess though not everyone's like me. I love cuddling squidgy babies and puppies and kittens. xx

Thurlow · 10/06/2014 12:17

Well, if you like holding babies it's because they are warm and snuggly and cute and... you just like holding them.

To me the problem is not that someone doesn't want to hold a baby - perfectly fine. And it's not really that the OP said no thanks - also fine. It's just when you've got your own newborn and think they are the cuddliest, cutest, most adorable thing you have ever seen, it might seem like a slight that someone else doesn't want to cuddle your baby. Not saying it is a slight, just that is how some people will feel.

Same way that people might be offended when someone doesn't want to pet their new puppy. Why would you not want to stroke a puppy? Look! It's adorable! It's so fluffy!

Personally when in a situation like this I'd make an excuse just to cover the off chance that my saying no might offend someone. No thanks, I won't hold the baby as I had a cold recently. No thanks, I won't stroke the puppy as I have a bit of a pet hair allergy. No thanks, I won't try any of the courgette cake you've made as dairy is making me feel iffy at the moment.

No need to do that though - horses for courses.

AbbeyBartlet · 10/06/2014 12:17

I also thought your post was funny, OP!

Can I be your friend?

Even though I now know that you are "bitter", "narcissistic" and all the other things you have been accused of on this thread! (way to overreact, people!)

life I understand that you can't get your head around why some people don't like babies. That's fine, its your opinion, but attempting to come up with bizarre reasons why that might be so, and trying psycho analyse the OP, is somewhat bizarre. Coming up with theories that OP is bitter because she wants another child is

I have said it before on this thread - I don't have DC, I never wanted them (because basically I am not really very keen on them) and would react in a very similar way to the OP to having to visit a rellie who had just had a baby.

And yes, the PA posts with x or xx at the end do give a slightly odd impression.

Lesleythegiraffe · 10/06/2014 12:19

Where I live it's expected that a new baby will be passed round everyone in the room to be held and cooed over.

I like to do neither, so I'm with the OP this - you were not BU.

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/06/2014 12:20

Okay, cross posted, i guess for some it is unpleasant!

I do feel uncomfortable holding a baby, I would feel more uncomfortable about offending a friend though.

I don't know what is missing in un-maternal women, for me I put it down to having grown up without a mother, I find it easy to "detach" from emotions.

Lweji · 10/06/2014 12:21

It's manners because imagine how embarrassed the mum must have felt when O.P refused to hold her baby.

Why?
You don't have to say yes to everything.
I offer people lifts, food, help and it's fine if they say no, thanks.
It's would also be fine if I asked them if they wanted to hold my baby, as they seemed to like him, and they said no.
Where's the embarrassment for me?

CatsCantTwerk · 10/06/2014 12:24

imagine how embarrassed the mum must have felt when O.P refused to hold her baby.

Maybe she will now not try to pass her pink wriggly thing to unsuspected victims

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/06/2014 12:24

I don't think it's about having to justify your own reasons for not wanting to hold a baby, it's more being sensitive to a friend's feelings.

Calling someone bitter or narcissistic for not wanting to snuggle a baby is way OTT though.

Thurlow · 10/06/2014 12:25

Because some people won't mind, and some people will see it as a personal slight.

How hard is it to see that just as some people don't like to hold babies, some people will see a refusal to hold their baby as that - a refusal, a rejection?

People are different and have different opinions, you know...

AbbeyBartlet · 10/06/2014 12:25

life I don't get why you would want to hold someone's baby, it really is the last thing in the world I would do, but I wouldn't judge you for it! You are coming across as quite judgemental to those of us who don't want to do it.

As for manners, why should someone put themselves in a position where they feel physically uncomfortable to avoid hurting someone's feelings? You could say that the mother didn't have good manners because she tried to pass her child to someone who doesn't like babies.

Looks like the mother is now fine about it, anyway.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/06/2014 12:27

Calling a woman bitter or narcissistic for not wanting to snuggle a baby is, frankly, sexist.

Lweji · 10/06/2014 12:27

I can now picture the mother telling the OP, please hold my baby to show you care about me and my baby, then the OP saying no and the mother going all red faced and thinking OMG this woman has no love for me.

It seems that the baby's mother was not like this, thankfully, and acted normally later on.
Her first reaction may have been of surprise as the OP had been apparently cooing over the baby. It's the price you pay for lying.

AbbeyBartlet · 10/06/2014 12:29

Headfirst I don't think there is anything "missing" in un-maternal women, although I was told on a post a few months ago that I wasn't a real woman because I had never wanted a child.

Each to their own, and all that.

AbbeyBartlet · 10/06/2014 12:29

Lweji Looks like the OP was TOO sincere with her cooing!

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/06/2014 12:31

Thinking about it, I can't ever imagine someone being offended if a man didn't want to hold a baby unless he was the father , it would probably just be laughed at in a "These men" rolly-eyed way

HippyTea · 10/06/2014 12:33

It's manners because imagine how embarrassed the mum must have felt when O.P refused to hold her baby. I guess though not everyone's like me. I love cuddling squiggly babies and puppies and kittens. xx

In all honesty I can't see the correlation between not wanting to hold a baby and bad manners.

Why would any mum be insulted that someone doesn't want to hold their baby? You want to hold your own because you have attachment to it and hormones make a lot of people think theirs is the most gorgeous wonderful child in the world... But you know you feel that way because it's your child. If someone visits you because to congratulate you / visit your newborn, give you company / give you support / to take the weight off, well then they are sharing your joy, they don't need to actually hold the baby to do this.

I don't know about you but I'm capable of expressing happiness for someone and genuinely share their joy without having to want the same things.
ie. I can be genuinely pleased that my friend has had a baby and that she is over the moon... but I have no instinct that makes me want to hold that baby.

AbbeyBartlet · 10/06/2014 12:34

Headfirst You are spot on - I have seen this where I work - someone brings their baby in, most of the women crowd round but the men would never be considered odd for not wanting to hold it.

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