WIBU to not hold the baby?

[trufflesnout]

I don't think I was BU, but since I made a new mother look wounded today, I'm wondering if I was unreasonable or if she was being precious it was definitely her.

I was visiting a relative who has just happened to give birth recently. I'm not maternal at all and don't particularly enjoy being around small children (apart from my own daughter, who is perfect, obviously) but I don't tend to announce it to people since whenever I have I've been viewed as odd at best.

Even though the visit wasn't all about the baby, I paid the small pink loud thing a compliment or two for the mother's sake, as I thought it would be polite to do so since it had pretty much just emerged from her body. I think I must have shot myself in the foot with the two counts of prompted, generic praise, as at one point in the visit she asked if I would like to hold the baby.

I said politely and with a smile, "oh, no thank you".

She looked at me like I had just caved its face in with a toothpick. The conversation moved in and she didn't offer again thank God.

Was I horrendously rude in declining the offer to hold her baby?

Abbey, yes, missing is the wrong word, I was musing on another person's post.

I have 4 dc, a few friends in their early 40's don't have any and don't plan to, I don't think they aren't "real women". In fact i'm rather looking forward to getting drunk with them on Friday

Maybe she will now not try to pass her pink wriggly thing to unsuspected victims

CatsCan't

It's horrible for someone to imply that someone isn't a real women because she doesn't want children. What about people who can't have children.
Me and D.P my have been trying since last year. I don't feel less of a women. x

Headfirst Sounds fun! for you, ready for Saturday morning!

life I was apparently not a real woman because I didn't WANT children - it wasn't the actual lack of children, it was the lack of maternal instinct apparently makes me a bad person.

Actually, building on some of the excuses from PPs, how about "sorry I can't hold your small pink loud thing PFB/PSB etc as I am allergic to babies"?

Can all the armchair psychologists please keep their cod psychology to themselves? Or if they actually happen to have a degree in the subject,then please return all associated paperwork to your Alma mater as a grevious error has obviously been made.

Milk Well said - I was trying to post something similar but you were far more articulate.

Not that my impressions are ever infalable , but. The impression I got was that O.P was almost bragging about the fact that she'd said "No to holding a baby".

She wasn't ashamed of it, certainly. And no reason why she should be.

Isn't it a bit peculiar to offer your baby to someone who hasn't asked?

I'm not much interested in babies unless I know them but I'm not brave enough to just say no... I'd be the uncomfortable looking one holding the baby like its an unexploded bomb.

Re-reading the OP, I don't think she was bragging. She asked if she was "horrendously rude" and seemed worried that she had "made a new mother look wounded".

As usual there were various opinions on the subject.

Any more straws you'd like to cling on to?

Of course we all have various opinions. Imagine how boring the world would be if all thought the same. x

This reminds me of when I was at primary school and small-minded youngsters would say "you're mad" if you didn't like/dislike exactly the same things they did, such as the skin on rice pudding, or a certain pop group, or sitting in the shade. I'd try (at the age of 5 or so!) to explain that different wasn't necessarily wrong. Most of them, no doubt, will have grown out of that dogmatic phase, as you'd hope in 50-odd years, but it's a little worrying to observe that clearly some never do.

ps coffeeinbed I see what you did there with "HTH"

I'm not good with babies. I do have a son whom I love and adore and who was a beautiful, beautiful baby.

Whenever I hold babies they squirm and cry and then I feel useless. My mother said of me, from a young age, "Eliza doesn't "do" babies, she's not good with them". I was 9 and holding my new cousin, at the time. It IS essentially true and I've felt all fingers and thumbs with babies all my life. I don't "do" babies as in, I don't coo over prams and trolleys but that wonderful maternal-ness kicked in when I had my own, thank God!

YANBU, but there's such huge pride for new mums and they often think you'll see what they see... The most amazing newborn, ever to have entered the world. To them, their baby is, and I think it is why they can be offended when the same reaction isn't written all over another's face.

Actually, as a child and even now I'm quite scared of babies. Sounds ridiculous but I'm not totally sure what to do with them. It doesn't come naturally. I have though been misty eyed when told "so and so had a boy/girl..." Because it IS such special time.

Hold the baby or make up an excuse. If you're going to go visit a baby, people generally expect you to want to hold them. (bit different when a baby is brought into work). Its just ettiquette. If you really don't want to, make up an excuse and look sad about it.

Also, you went to see a new baby, who is related to you, and you managed "two counts of generic praise"?

These are just social niceties. Its like shaking hands with the bride and groom after the wedding. A right faff really for everyone, but its the done thing. You're visiting someone to whom you are related who has just given birth. The OP reads as terribly dismissive and patronising, tbh. Is it really so hard to just be nice to a new mother?

I actually tend to think babies like being with their mum/dad rather than being passed around strangers and so I don't seek to hold babies. But I'd certainly hold them if the mum wanted to go to the loo, or if she wanted a break.

A visit to a new mum is the prime example of a time when its not about you.

Sigyn, that's already been covered. The visit wasn't about the baby. I didn't even know she'd had it tbh, just turned up as we'd organised a few weeks prior. She's a relative but not a particularly close one (wife of a cousin) and my mother is senile 60 odd and healthy and forgot to tell me.

Her first reaction may have been of surprise as the OP had been apparently cooing over the baby
If there's a next time I'll be opening with "UGH that's disCUSTIN', keep it away from me you hag" to avoid any confusion

Feeling very comforted that I am not alone in not being too fussed about babies - but feeling confused over all of life's posts, but they are at least entertaining.

Yy to "silly menz" not getting any stick for not wanting cuddles...

For the cod psychologists, I remember holding my very new baby sibling when I was about 3 or 4 and being mortally offended that the little shit CRIED. I mean what the FUCK. RUDE. Maybe it all went downhill from there.

If you have an aversion to small babies, why visit a relative in a maternity ward. You should probably have waited till after she got home and made her dinner if the visit really was about her.

If you really can't face holding a baby then at least make an excuse up, like being nervous about holding other's delicate babies, so they know the problem is yours, and not with their child.

Excuse me? The 'problem'? So those of us who don't enjoy holding babies have a problem? Good to know...

If you have an aversion to small babies, why visit a relative in a maternity ward. You should probably have waited till after she got home and made her dinner if the visit really was about her.

Eh?

Oops cross posted. In that case I'd have hung around the hospital cafe rather than be surrounded by babies. Or the local pub which was near enough when my sister had hers.

Although being a mum myself now it'd need to be the local wetherspoons these days.

I was never in the maternity ward - I'm not sure where you got that from? I visited her at her home.

You don't need to call it discusting! How will the baby ever learn to speak properly?