Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my PIL what I really think

108 replies

Albertatata · 07/06/2014 23:42

I'm so upset & cross that I think I am verging on being unreasonable.

Background (I've written about this in thread before)
I've 2DS 2.8 & 8 months SIL (DH sister) has DS4 & DD 6 months. PIL live much closer to SIL and do ALOT for her, there lives are very entwined. We live in London over 150 miles away so can't have the same relationship obviously but there is such balatant favouritism of SIL and her family it is really upsetting - lots of little petty things to mundane & trivial to go into fully.

Tomorrow is SIL DD christening (although they are not religious, but that's a whole other thread). So we travelled up with two little'uns pram Carseat etc across london and then on the train then taxi - it took us 4.5hrs door to door - a big journey for toddler.

Within 30 mins of us arriving they said they need to drop off some cakes for the christening. And left, my eldest obviously wanted to see then and went with them - they returned 3hrs later. They had been decorating the hall, whilst we sat at home alone with our baby. They are off again first thing in the morning to do more prep before the christening.

Now I know its DDs christening so it is going to be about her tomorrow but I thought they would have been able to spare sometime to spend sometime with my children. I know they took the eldest with them but to be honest it wasn't spending time with him it was dragging him around for another hr in the car whilst they did jobs with their other grandchildren. There was no quality time.

I feel really upset, that there is a distinct lack if respect for my children that they can be treated this way. The last time they saw them was three months ago. The last time they visited us was 6 months ago. We make considerable effort & money to get here and then they haven't spent any quality time with them.

I really feel like I have to say something and tell them that this isn't on and I will not let my boys be treated like this but then I don't know if I'm being really overly sensitive. DH is also very upset but I know we will go back down to London and nothing will be said and the resentment will just keep on building. I feel like I really want to say to FIL that this isn't on, we have travelled all this way you could at least spend one afternoon playing with our children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HalfCracked · 07/06/2014 23:45

Id keep shtum.

Stop making effort. From now on positively reinforce any thoughtfulness and consideration with a reward.

CoffeeTea103 · 07/06/2014 23:49

Yabu, tomorrow is the christening, I'm sure that they have plenty of stuff to worry about than entertaining yourll. I don't understand why you are so upset, do you want them to stop everything and play with your children. Maybe the timing is just not right.

BlackDaisies · 07/06/2014 23:49

I think you are bring a bit unreasonable. It's obviously a really busy weekend for them. It's not as if they're swanning off to the pub the minute you arrived. But having said that, after your trek to get there I can imagine that you would have preferred a bit of time to relax with them when you arrived. Sounds like maybe they should have talked to you beforehand about all the stuff they still needed to do. At least you'd have been prepared for it then.

Original poster
Albertatata · 07/06/2014 23:50

Halfcracked that is such sensible advice but I'm finding it very hard to stay silent this time. Surely if I stay quiet it is never going to change. My DZh is beginning to get really upset by it and resentful. I've been dreading this weekend for so long because I knew something like this would happen. If they were my family I would really tell them what I think

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/06/2014 23:50

I think you need to separate the two things.

The first thing - lack of quality time with your DC right now is completely understandable at such a very busy time.

The second thing - hardly ever visiting you is something you and your DH should discuss with them, at a different time.

But right now, they are understandably busy although I can see why you're upset about the lack of visiting at other times.

Hakluyt · 07/06/2014 23:54

Why didn't you muck in and help decorate the hall too?

Original poster
Albertatata · 07/06/2014 23:55

I just expected them to want to spend a bit of time with us & our children seen as they haven't seen them for 3 months. Maybe I don't understand how much effort goes into a christening. Maybe I don't understand why they had to do it & why SIL & BIL couldn't man up for one afternoon so they could spend time with my DS for once. Certainly won't be rushing up again anytime soon though.

OP posts:
MissWimpyDimple · 07/06/2014 23:56

I think you are being a little bit U.

They took your two year old child with them for 3 hours. I know you say it was just to drag him around doing jobs, but seriously taking a toddler with you to "do jobs" is no picnic is it? They didn't have to do that.

Having said that, I grew up as the the GC who did live close to the GPs. My cousins would show up and we would be dumped and quite literally shoved out of the way, we were also constantly being told how wonderful the other cousins were. It was only after the GC had died that it transpired that they basically went on about us when visiting the cousins. Odd.

Hakluyt · 07/06/2014 23:56

As I said- why didn't you help decorate?

Original poster
Albertatata · 07/06/2014 23:57

We didn't muck in because weren't invited. It was a 30 min drive away and not room for us in the car. We just got here & then off they went! (To quickly drop cakes off but it took 3hrs)

Does nobody think that's bloody terrible?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 07/06/2014 23:57

I think that your ds probably DID have some quality time with them today..... A car journey where they will have chatted to him, helping decorate and all the bits In between. 'Quality time' is what exactly?? Being normal and doing normal things with gp's is what I remember from my childhood.

Preciousbane · 07/06/2014 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 07/06/2014 23:58

You seem to expect them to drop everything for your children- but if the christening is tomorrow and they've said they will do certain things, they can't not do them, can they?

Hakluyt · 07/06/2014 23:59

You don't have to be invited to muck in. You say "what can we do to help?"

PenelopePitstops · 08/06/2014 00:00

Hmm can see both sides, you do sound a bit princess about it all.

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:00

I would say spending quality time with DS would be reading books, playing with toys, going for walks, going to the park. Not him playing with his cousin whilst they decorate a hall.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 08/06/2014 00:01

I'm sorry but I think you are being massively unreasonable. You have gone over on a very busy weekend and want them to drop everything to keep the kids entertained. Surely you don't have to be invited to help? Just ask what needs to be done.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2014 00:01

No, I think 'terrible' would have been making you stay in a hotel or not being home when you arrived from your journey.

Right now they're just very busy and they took your eldest DC with them, which was nice of them.

Maybe I don't understand why they had to do it & why SIL & BIL couldn't man up for one afternoon so they could spend time with my DS for once.

I'm sorry but when your parents offer to help with your DC's Christening (I expect because they find it an exciting event) 'manning up' doesn't come into it.

I have to say you sound a teensy bit jealous and bitter of their relationship with their DD, who lives much nearer than their DS.

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:02

We had just done a 4.5hr journey with two under tgree. To muck in to help would have meant another 30 min cat journey that we couldn't fit in anyway. I don't want to bloody help. I wanted to just sit down and relax.

Maybe I am a princess, maybe I just think it was rude.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 08/06/2014 00:02

I'm sure your ds had more fun today than he would have sat reading a book with them!

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:03

So many predictive text typos sorry

OP posts:
Joules68 · 08/06/2014 00:03

Well did you not just 'sit down and relax' whilst they were out??

CoffeeTea103 · 08/06/2014 00:04

Gosh you do sound very princess. Maybe that's why they don't visit.
Really you think they are being unreasonable for not sitting and reading a book or going for a walk with your DS.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2014 00:04

I would say spending quality time with DS would be reading books, playing with toys, going for walks, going to the park. Not him playing with his cousin whilst they decorate a hall.

Who has time for this when you're helping to plan a Christening the next day? Confused

Seriously, I think your unhappiness runs deeper than what's happened today.

By all means you and your DH should discuss this with them at a suitable time, but now really is not that time.

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:06

Oh god am I unreasonable? I really don't think so, maybe all the resentment of all the favouritism in the past has built up so much that this has been the stick that broken the camels back.

I am jealous of SIL and all the help they get and the relationship they have with her children. How the one weekend we are up we don't get a look in. I know its a busy weekend but they knew what time we were coming - could they not have done it in the morning?

OP posts: