To tell my PIL what I really think

[Albertatata]

I'm so upset & cross that I think I am verging on being unreasonable.

Background (I've written about this in thread before)
I've 2DS 2.8 & 8 months SIL (DH sister) has DS4 & DD 6 months. PIL live much closer to SIL and do ALOT for her, there lives are very entwined. We live in London over 150 miles away so can't have the same relationship obviously but there is such balatant favouritism of SIL and her family it is really upsetting - lots of little petty things to mundane & trivial to go into fully.

Tomorrow is SIL DD christening (although they are not religious, but that's a whole other thread). So we travelled up with two little'uns pram Carseat etc across london and then on the train then taxi - it took us 4.5hrs door to door - a big journey for toddler.

Within 30 mins of us arriving they said they need to drop off some cakes for the christening. And left, my eldest obviously wanted to see then and went with them - they returned 3hrs later. They had been decorating the hall, whilst we sat at home alone with our baby. They are off again first thing in the morning to do more prep before the christening.

Now I know its DDs christening so it is going to be about her tomorrow but I thought they would have been able to spare sometime to spend sometime with my children. I know they took the eldest with them but to be honest it wasn't spending time with him it was dragging him around for another hr in the car whilst they did jobs with their other grandchildren. There was no quality time.

I feel really upset, that there is a distinct lack if respect for my children that they can be treated this way. The last time they saw them was three months ago. The last time they visited us was 6 months ago. We make considerable effort & money to get here and then they haven't spent any quality time with them.

I really feel like I have to say something and tell them that this isn't on and I will not let my boys be treated like this but then I don't know if I'm being really overly sensitive. DH is also very upset but I know we will go back down to London and nothing will be said and the resentment will just keep on building. I feel like I really want to say to FIL that this isn't on, we have travelled all this way you could at least spend one afternoon playing with our children.

AIBU?

I'll probably come back and read this thread tomorrow and realise I'm a berk

Have now seen your other thread. I know it's bad form, but it does throw a lot of light on the situation. You knew they would be busy this weekend, well in advance, so it's ridiculous to now complain. Also, may I ask how a 90 min journey for them is a 4.5 hour journey for you? Your poor PIL and SIL are never going to win, are they?

I've got to say after 4.5 hours travelling with two little children and various baggage I wouldn't want to jump straight in and do someone else's decorating. I'd be on my knees with all the stress (I'm not good at travelling). I probably would offer to to help but I'd at least expect a cup of tea and half an hour's breathing space to recover!

Maybe I didn 't realise it would be such a busy weekend. Also I can't believe all you angels out there after a mammoth journey across London and on the train& taxi with two under three wouldn't want to just sit down and relax a tinsy tiny bit. Have a cup of tea maybe? That's normal surely?

Gosh yes totally normal!

And I would be very grateful to my inlaws for seeing to it that I could relax whilst being one child down, even though they are really busy.

This thread has a lot about 'you' and how 'you' feel and very little about how your DH and your DS feel.

I'm beginning to think you should leave any future discussion to your DH to initiate with his parents, because it does seem as though you have personal issues/jealousy and that is unlikely to do anything other than cause trouble.

Well said worra

Agreed

I think it's nice that your DS got some time playing with his cousin as his GPs took him with them.

Yes it would have been nice if they could have concentrated on your DCs (and you) but it wasn't the occasion for that, too much to do what with the christening.

Take a deep breath and let it go ... or give them a bit of positive reinforcement and say how much you appreciated that they took DS with them yesterday, you really love it that they made the effort to spend the time with him even though they were so busy.

And I don't think you are being a "princess" - or not in the way it seems to be meant - it is knackering travelling with a toddler on public transport and having an eight-month-old is no picnic either.

Well said Worra.

I can understand your feelings but they are misplaced this weekend.

Save your feelings for the futility as YABU to be feeling this way about this weekend.

Yabvu and selfish.

They're planning a big event tomorrow. They're understandably busy and can't drop everything for you.

We got married recently and my sister came from the other side of the Country (7 hour drive) for the wedding. Her, her dh and ds were staying with us for a few days. They turned up around 11am the day before the wedding (as planned). What I wasn't banking on was my sister clearly expecting to be entertained all day. She wanted to go for lunch. She made cats bum faces because I had to go out (I was picking up my wedding dress).

Yes, I was happy she came so far for the wedding...but seriously, you don't expect to be entertained the day before a big event.

I live nearly 400 miles from my in-laws. I used to make the effort to visit them for a weekend every other month. I say "I" because although DH came with us it was me who organised the children, logistics, packing etc. They would be at work on the Saturday (extra shifts for him, volunteering for her, both could easily have said no. They didn't need the money either) then be out shopping and dog walking on Sunday morning. We would then leave to come home after lunch on Sunday.

After years of feeling like a status symbol, only there so they could go to work and say "we have our family visiting" our visits gradually became further apart and now the children are grown up we don't visit at all.

Over the years I have felt like my children were second to my Bil's children who would stay for a couple of weeks every summer. (No invite for my children)

I have felt cross and upset in equal measure over the years but now I am so pleased I said nothing because my niece is pregnant and they have done nothing but judge (he's no good for her, they're not married, why aren't they doing this, that, the other. You get the idea). I know when my children reach this stage in their lives there will be no input from them at all, which is so much more preferable to interference.

My advice would be to grit your teeth, visit enough so as not to be neglecting them and let your children make up their own minds in the future. Mine didn't take long to realise what was happening and now refuse to visit them.

It's not your party on this occasion. Sorry YABU.

Id let go of all this in your shoes, OP. I read your last thread too. There is a difference between what you think PILs SHOULD do, and what they actually do. You have your DCs..you and DH are their parents. Shower them with love and attention, don't let them get any inkling of your resentment towards your PILs, regarding them. That won't do any good. Why put so much time, effort and thought into visiting PILs when you come away feeling upset? Concentrate on your own little family unit, its the best you can do. See the PILs less and if they dont visit you well, so be it. Life's too short just leave them be. If, however you decide something does need to be said then let DH do it instead of working yourself up about it - he is their son.

Now is not the time to say anything.

Yes, they could have done the decorating in the morning, probably.
Yes, they could have at least told you they were going to be doing the decorating in the afternoon, especially as they'd gone off with your older DS, instead of saying they were just going to quickly drop off the cakes.
Yes they could have spent a little longer with the rest of you before fecking off out.

But still - it's a christening, so naturally the focus would be on the other side of the family for this weekend.

IF you took this weekend's happenings as a standalone event, it wouldn't really be that bad - but in the context of the history of them doing everything for your SIL and very little for your DH, I can see how it's "just another straw" and adding to your and your DH's already burgeoning resentment and envy.

So - YANBU to be upset because this IS just another straw, but YWBU to say anything about this particular visit. So leave it for now, and next time you're expected to hotfoot it to theirs for anything, do it in a way that is more comfortable for you. Perhaps ask them what their timetable is for the weekend, so you know what to expect - and if they then deviate from it, you can tackle them about it then.

Moving forward, the distance between where you both live doesn't sound like it will change. Could you arrange to meet at a halfway point for both of you? and meet up for the day and have a fun time together?

I am wondering if hiring a car for the weekend would have been much more expensive than the train tickets. With a car you could have been involved in helping so that the GPs could have finished sooner and spent more time at home perhaps.

More communication about the plans for the day would have prepared you for what was happening, but you are being massively unreasonable in expecting your PIL to be sitting entertaining you on a busy weekend.

You sound extremely resentful. The PIL don't sound as if they've done anything wrong to me.

I don't doubt that you have plenty of other examples where PIL have favoured their other DC over yours but I don't think this is one of them I'm afraid and if you confront them on this example you will appear jealous and unreasonable.

If you want to confront them on this issue, I would wait until the next time you have real legitimate cause to complain.

Totally get the feelings of hurt and disappointment with lame grandparents op. My tip - you cannot change their behaviour only your response to it. Stop caring and letting it get to you. This is hard but the only solution.

My ils emigrated because as mil said "there's nothing keeping us in England" her two lovely sons and 2 little granddaughters clearly come in the "nothing" category....

Oh and my friends dh had a brain tumour recently. Her mother came over to help with childcare but only stayed one night. She left my friend in tears and unsupported because she had to get back to do her volunteer stint at her local national trust house!

In this situation, I'm afraid I have to say YABU. This visit is to go to your niece's christening. It's not about you, or your family.

I accept there is probably a back story, and that on other occasions your PIL may well have treated your DC unfairly, in comparison to their cousins. However, I think considering how spectacularly you appear to have got this wrong, then perhaps some soul searching about those other perceived slights may well be in order?

KERALA1, how are those two examples in any way similar to the OPs?

I assume Kerela's examples were to show that the OP is not alone in having parents/inlaws who don't act with what many of us would consider normal family feeling.

OP I don't think you sound like a princess though I do think you should put your feelings aside for this particular weekend.

If something needs to be said in the future leave it to DH, they are his parents.

I agree with what has been said and would like to add that you need to re-think how much value you placed on your DS having the chance to play with his cousin.

I hope you let him decide who he spends his time with at the "do", most children of his age love being around slightly older children at family gatherings.

""PIL live much closer to SIL and do ALOT for her, there lives are very entwined. ""

I and my Sister were closer (in every sense) to my Nan, it was us that was the support as we got older during their illnesses and old age. That's how families work, unless you are planning on moving closer, it will one day fall to SIL and her children to do a lot for them.

Don't cut your children off from their family ie SILs children.

When we've had Church hall etc do's, we have been given a time, usually when the cleaners have been, when we can start to set up and we have had to be done by a certain time, for them to lock up. Sometimes the banners/balloons ordered etc couldn't be picked up until a certain time, as well.