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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my PIL what I really think

108 replies

Albertatata · 07/06/2014 23:42

I'm so upset & cross that I think I am verging on being unreasonable.

Background (I've written about this in thread before)
I've 2DS 2.8 & 8 months SIL (DH sister) has DS4 & DD 6 months. PIL live much closer to SIL and do ALOT for her, there lives are very entwined. We live in London over 150 miles away so can't have the same relationship obviously but there is such balatant favouritism of SIL and her family it is really upsetting - lots of little petty things to mundane & trivial to go into fully.

Tomorrow is SIL DD christening (although they are not religious, but that's a whole other thread). So we travelled up with two little'uns pram Carseat etc across london and then on the train then taxi - it took us 4.5hrs door to door - a big journey for toddler.

Within 30 mins of us arriving they said they need to drop off some cakes for the christening. And left, my eldest obviously wanted to see then and went with them - they returned 3hrs later. They had been decorating the hall, whilst we sat at home alone with our baby. They are off again first thing in the morning to do more prep before the christening.

Now I know its DDs christening so it is going to be about her tomorrow but I thought they would have been able to spare sometime to spend sometime with my children. I know they took the eldest with them but to be honest it wasn't spending time with him it was dragging him around for another hr in the car whilst they did jobs with their other grandchildren. There was no quality time.

I feel really upset, that there is a distinct lack if respect for my children that they can be treated this way. The last time they saw them was three months ago. The last time they visited us was 6 months ago. We make considerable effort & money to get here and then they haven't spent any quality time with them.

I really feel like I have to say something and tell them that this isn't on and I will not let my boys be treated like this but then I don't know if I'm being really overly sensitive. DH is also very upset but I know we will go back down to London and nothing will be said and the resentment will just keep on building. I feel like I really want to say to FIL that this isn't on, we have travelled all this way you could at least spend one afternoon playing with our children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/06/2014 00:06

For your own sake keep schtum this visit!

They have the perfect reason for ignoring your complaint and turning it back on you. You will sound attention seeking, unreasonable and definitely trying to ruin the other families big day. And you'll be hurt, and it will escalate to a full on feud.

So do please stop, and think about what you want out of saying something... Big family drama with fault on both sides? Or a grown up discussion and more attention for your kids?

PenelopePitstops · 08/06/2014 00:07

Quality time is such a new invention.

The majority of time together with family is quality, because you are together. He probably had more fun playing than he would have reading a book, relax.

PenelopePitstops · 08/06/2014 00:09

SIL can't help living closer, therefore a stronger relationship is expected.

Would you want to live nearer them?

CoffeeTea103 · 08/06/2014 00:09

You being this jealous over your SIL is going to damage your relationship. Off course they will naturally do more for her, she's their daughter Confused
You live 150 miles away, do you expect them to come over all the time? Really you sound very difficult.

Preciousbane · 08/06/2014 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:10

I used to think I would like to live closer but I think it would just highlight the discrepancy between how GC get treated and upset DH & myself more.

OP posts:
WonderingAllowed · 08/06/2014 00:11

I had this with my mother and stepfather. 1st visit when DC4 was 5 weeks old, 5 hour car journey with all 4 DC, I was delighted to be showing DC4 off. We arrived late at night to sleep on the floor even though they could have rejigged the beds. Next day I was told that they BOTH Hmm had go to look at cars at a showroom with my 30 year old Army Captain brother and my sister went shopping. They left at 9am, by 4pm after wandering around their empty house all day, I said 'fuck this' and we drove home.

Cue a lot of home truths being spoken and whole family cutting me off Hmm. Late but lucky escape for me I suppose.

WonderingAllowed · 08/06/2014 00:11

Oh YANBU btw!

Hakluyt · 08/06/2014 00:11

" I don't want to bloody help. I wanted to just sit down and relax."

Says it all, really!

Joules68 · 08/06/2014 00:11

I agree, you do sound difficult. What do you want from all this? You knew it would be busy for them this weekend

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:13

After hall decorating they came home & it was tea time and then bedtime for DS. We didn't get here till 2pm (that why I thought they might have done the jobs in the morning) they probably saw DS2 for about 90minsfor the whole day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:16

Maybe I didn 't realise it would be such a busy weekend. Also I can't believe all you angels out there after a mammoth journey across London and on the train& taxi with two under three wouldn't want to just sit down and relax a tinsy tiny bit. Have a cup of tea maybe? That's normal surely?

I don't want to be waited on, just not then have to decorate a hall ( which to be fair we didn't even know they were doing)

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 08/06/2014 00:17

Maybe they couldn't do the jobs in the morning. Maybe the time they spend with their DD and her family has to fit around other commitments. Maybe you're just being a princess about the whole thing.

Famzilla · 08/06/2014 00:18

I'm sorry OP but the more you post, the more self-absorbed you are sounding. This weekend is not about your DC, let it go.

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:20

Mumsnet verdict - I'm a princess! Ha ha ha. Well at least I won't start a family feud tomorrow anymore x just feel so sad for the lack of relationship my son are going to have with their grandparents.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 08/06/2014 00:20

Reading your other thread, it sounds as if you have unhealthy jealousy issues with your SIL. I really can imagine your SIL version of this, and I would sympathize with her.

Original poster
Albertatata · 08/06/2014 00:21

I meant in my last post - the lack of close relationship that I want them to have rather than cutting them off or anything daft like that. Sorry to sound so princess's. I really am so far removed from princess in real life (or so I thought!)

OP posts:
Glitterfeet · 08/06/2014 00:22

What did you do when they were out and about? At least you were one child down, that was very kind of them.

Jumpforjoytoday · 08/06/2014 00:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I can see how it would be hurtful and it's perfectly ok to feel hurt. As hard as it is try not to let it affect you. At the end of the day, they are missing out and children grow up so fast they won't get this time back again.

ladymariner · 08/06/2014 00:24

Agree with hakluyt I think it's pretty obvious to your inlaws how you feel about them, it's pretty obvious to us!
Surely you must realise how busy everyone would be this weekend, they're getting ready for a christening and that does take up a lot of time. They took your ds and he played with his cousin, sounds as if he had a great time.....you, on the other hand, sound more princessy every time you post.

SaucyJack · 08/06/2014 00:24

Bless you OP. Come back and read this after you've thrown your first big family/church hall/buffet party and you'll realize how daft you sound.

Joules68 · 08/06/2014 00:24

Er, angels? Grow up woman! Did you not actually get to sit down and drink tea whilst your ds went out with his gp's?? What did you do all afternoon then?

ladymariner · 08/06/2014 00:25

Cross post!

Glitterfeet · 08/06/2014 00:25

It sounds like there's a lot of history behind your post. This weekend is not the time to raise it or make a point to them.

Gumblossom · 08/06/2014 00:25

I understand how you feel. It seems very unfair that your PIL don't make an effort to spend time with your DC's, but now is not the time to bring it up. They are focused on their DD's baby's big day.

Yes, you did make a big effort to get there, but that was entirely your choice, and you should have expected everyone to be busy with the Christianing.

If this is an really important thing to you, invite PIL to stay one weekend and then they have no excuse but to spend time with your DC's. Perhaps you could try to discuss it with them, maybe they have no idea how you feel? However, having had a similar experience, I'm not sure it would make a lot of difference.

I really do know how you feel. My parents spend a huge amount of time with my brother's children and very little with mine, and after many years of heartbreak I realise now it is simply due to lazy grand-parenting (I am not saying that is your situation too). My parents spend more time with those grandchildren simply due to proximity. It is a 2 hour drive to see us, so they rarely do. I think it is appalling that they won't make the effort, but, I now realise it isn't worth upsetting myself, and it is my parents who are missing out on a wonderful relationship with my children. My parents expect me to come to them, then they'll invite all the other grandchildren over (I have two brothers who live in the same town as my parents) and spend very little one on one time with my kids. So I stopped visiting them. They probably tell their friends that I have stopped them having a relationship with my kids because I can't be bothered visiting. The truth is I work full-time, have five kids and a very busy schedule.

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