To tell my PIL what I really think

[Albertatata]

I'm so upset & cross that I think I am verging on being unreasonable.

Background (I've written about this in thread before)
I've 2DS 2.8 & 8 months SIL (DH sister) has DS4 & DD 6 months. PIL live much closer to SIL and do ALOT for her, there lives are very entwined. We live in London over 150 miles away so can't have the same relationship obviously but there is such balatant favouritism of SIL and her family it is really upsetting - lots of little petty things to mundane & trivial to go into fully.

Tomorrow is SIL DD christening (although they are not religious, but that's a whole other thread). So we travelled up with two little'uns pram Carseat etc across london and then on the train then taxi - it took us 4.5hrs door to door - a big journey for toddler.

Within 30 mins of us arriving they said they need to drop off some cakes for the christening. And left, my eldest obviously wanted to see then and went with them - they returned 3hrs later. They had been decorating the hall, whilst we sat at home alone with our baby. They are off again first thing in the morning to do more prep before the christening.

Now I know its DDs christening so it is going to be about her tomorrow but I thought they would have been able to spare sometime to spend sometime with my children. I know they took the eldest with them but to be honest it wasn't spending time with him it was dragging him around for another hr in the car whilst they did jobs with their other grandchildren. There was no quality time.

I feel really upset, that there is a distinct lack if respect for my children that they can be treated this way. The last time they saw them was three months ago. The last time they visited us was 6 months ago. We make considerable effort & money to get here and then they haven't spent any quality time with them.

I really feel like I have to say something and tell them that this isn't on and I will not let my boys be treated like this but then I don't know if I'm being really overly sensitive. DH is also very upset but I know we will go back down to London and nothing will be said and the resentment will just keep on building. I feel like I really want to say to FIL that this isn't on, we have travelled all this way you could at least spend one afternoon playing with our children.

AIBU?

I don't think some people are reading the same thread as me. Today's events are a symptom opt what is going on more generally

T'was ever thus in MN those that see and those that dont

Not read all the thread but my parents are the same. They didn't see one grandchild for 6 months, yet only stayed 1hr when he was here for three days.
Sister was heartbroken.
DM didn't contact me for four months ( she thinks it's my job to call her) didn't see grandchildren at all and blames us for moving so far away (35mins)
Distance yourself and expect much less, you can't be disappointed.

Again don't get the yabus. Are the couple very devout? Why such a fuss about a christening - spending time with your grandchildren that you don't see alot of far more important. Is this the celebrity culture gone mad with every one having numerous "special days"

How do you know that today's events are a symptom of what is going on generally?

Once, my PIL came to stay, because they wanted to stay overnight, and for DH to drive them to the airport, so they could go on holiday.

We were living in rented accommodation, as we were doing major works to our own home. We didn't really have the space for them to stay. DH was spending long hours at our house, project managing the works. He wasn't in a position to drop everything and entertain. We both also work full time in our business.

Nonetheless, I changed our bed, so they could sleep in that, and DH and I slept on inflatable beds in the living room, after everyone else had gone to bed.

After work, I had to pick up DS from a club, and dash back to feed everyone, then take DD1 to school for a concert she was performing in. (I had arranged tickets for PIL to go to the concert as well.)

Because of the rush, rather than cooking a proper sit down dinner, I had made a big pot of hearty soup, so people could have that and some nice crusty bread when they could.

MIL was furious that I had been such a poor host. To her mind, I had not spent time entertaining them. I had not prepared a sit down dinner for everyone to eat together. Soup, to her, was not a satisfactory dinner.

As far as I was concerned, I had made a huge effort, in difficult circumstances.

Who was right? Should I have dropped everything because of my guests, to the detriment of other family members, as MIL clearly thought?

No YWNBU, Sanity imo.

This is an example of how my PILS have treated my DSes.

I had to have major surgery about 150 miles away from home. They offered to have our kids because they were retired, my parents weren't and my nan was just going through the early diagnosis of Alzheimer's, thus my mum was trying to sort care out for her.

When I had my surgery, I was quite poorly. They started badgering DH on the night I had it done about when he would be back to collect the children, who were 11&9 at the time. The next day my parents visited me in hospital, as the hospital was about 45 minutes from their house. DH told FIL about this, DS1 reported back that FIL was so angry that he woke him up with his shouting calling my parents names, and saying they should have had the kids as I was "their bloody daughter so their burden!"

On the Saturday, it was DN's birthday. MIL invited him and SIL for tea, fair enough it's their house. For his birthday, they had bought him a bike, Nike basketball boots, 3 Quiksilver T-shirts and other clothes! Our kids get £20 from them.

We arranged to pick them up on the Sunday morning once DH had got me sorted with breakfast and drinks etc. They were on the phone at 8:30 asking where he was.

They refuse to believe they treat our DC differently, despite paying £3k for car insurance for DN, buying expensive presents for DN and other SIL's DD for their 18th, yet when DS1 was 18, he got told "times are hard so we are only giving you £100". That week they paid £21k cash for a car and £7.5k for a sofa.

So, I am prepared to give the OP the benefit of the doubt and think that things are generally difficult for her where her PILs are concerned, and yesterday was the event that tipped her over the edge!

You do have my sympathies Op as we are in the same boat. I do think you are being a tad unreasonable in this case but on the other hand this favouritism thing will have built up more and more over time until you see it happening all the time and even the little things grate at you

Sanity - there have been other threads about the ILs, so that's where people are getting the "pattern" from. Your scenario is somewhat different.

From your previous thread, it sounds like you are struggling a lot with the dreaded 2-DC-under-3 combination and don't have much support from your own family. Looking at SIL and seeing the amount of family support she has must be tough - especially if her DC are calmer or better behaved than yours! (This happens to me where my DS aged 2.7 acts up around friends' perfect, calm DC).

I think you are wrong to focus on your SIL though. You are looking for something from your PIL that is never going to happen. Your MIL has a relationship with her daughter that she will never have with your DH. It's just the way it is.

We are in the same boat because we live abroad and have no help from family. Even if we lived at home, our parents are not very hands-on GPs. DH often says to me 'oh if only we had more support' or 'if only my parents offered more help and we could get a break'. I always say to him that there's no point in thinking about it because we just don't have that support, we never will and wishing we did isn't going to make it happen. It is what it is. I try to focus on making things as positive as I can for my DS, making lots of friends, keeping us both busy and just doing the best I can. When I start thinking about how much easier it would be to have a caring mother or MIL to help me out, it deflates me so I just shut that thought down and try to focus on what I DO have. Sorry to sound all self-helpy but it's all about finding more positive ways to cope with things!