To tell my PIL what I really think

[Albertatata]

I'm so upset & cross that I think I am verging on being unreasonable.

Background (I've written about this in thread before)
I've 2DS 2.8 & 8 months SIL (DH sister) has DS4 & DD 6 months. PIL live much closer to SIL and do ALOT for her, there lives are very entwined. We live in London over 150 miles away so can't have the same relationship obviously but there is such balatant favouritism of SIL and her family it is really upsetting - lots of little petty things to mundane & trivial to go into fully.

Tomorrow is SIL DD christening (although they are not religious, but that's a whole other thread). So we travelled up with two little'uns pram Carseat etc across london and then on the train then taxi - it took us 4.5hrs door to door - a big journey for toddler.

Within 30 mins of us arriving they said they need to drop off some cakes for the christening. And left, my eldest obviously wanted to see then and went with them - they returned 3hrs later. They had been decorating the hall, whilst we sat at home alone with our baby. They are off again first thing in the morning to do more prep before the christening.

Now I know its DDs christening so it is going to be about her tomorrow but I thought they would have been able to spare sometime to spend sometime with my children. I know they took the eldest with them but to be honest it wasn't spending time with him it was dragging him around for another hr in the car whilst they did jobs with their other grandchildren. There was no quality time.

I feel really upset, that there is a distinct lack if respect for my children that they can be treated this way. The last time they saw them was three months ago. The last time they visited us was 6 months ago. We make considerable effort & money to get here and then they haven't spent any quality time with them.

I really feel like I have to say something and tell them that this isn't on and I will not let my boys be treated like this but then I don't know if I'm being really overly sensitive. DH is also very upset but I know we will go back down to London and nothing will be said and the resentment will just keep on building. I feel like I really want to say to FIL that this isn't on, we have travelled all this way you could at least spend one afternoon playing with our children.

AIBU?

Also, you say that they took your DS to do errands with their other grandchildren -so this means that they were treating him the same as them does it not?

Get off your high horse.YABVU

Of course they will be closer as they live nearby not 150 miles away plus she is their daughter not somebody who has married into the family so naturally theirs a closer bond.

Don't equate childcare with closeness to grandparents, you can do lots to maintain a good relationship from a distance due to technology.

Surely you knew you were going for the event and people would be busy so didn't expect to do much else.

Sorry OP but YABVU.

It is a christening not just a weekend visit. What were you expecting to happen?

i must be odd but i am always relieved when my xmil stays away. i have my own mother, i have my own friends.

Op I totally agree with you & don't understand the other responses you've had on this thread

Oops posted too soon
My family do this to me too
We'll do a four hour journey to get to them on a Friday for the weekend
As soon as we arrive my mum will 'nip' out to pick other grandchildren up from school
My dad will ask what our plans are as he wants to get on in the garden
he'll disappear Saturday to play golf / tennis
He'll asks what time we're leaving on Sunday because he has a service to attend

It just makes me feel like a massive inconvenience to their daily routine / life so we only visit a couple of times a year :(

I completely understand that when you arrived you wanted to sit down , drink tea, watch them interact with your kids
Not for them to disappear to do decorating

Your timings just off .Don't say anything as you might look daft .
They probably do favour sil kids so all your feelings are REAL just your timings off this visit.
Hoping you find peace when you get home .

Because they haven't just gone for a visit. They are there for a christening!

I've been reading these posts with a bit of surprise. Off at a tangent, in my book a Christening is a short church service followed by a tea or simple meal for immediate family and godparents. Why does a hall have to be hired? It's not like a wedding reception / party - or is it in this day and age?

My two had (DD) nine people and (DS) six including my H and me. We just had those people back to our house afterwards for a bit of ham, salad and Christening cake (top tier of our wedding cake and it was like sawing through a block of wood). That's all that was done in my day 40 years ago. Why is there a need for a big gathering so a 'venue' has to be booked and decorated? Commercialisation with sheep following?

Agree Happy
it should be all about family not halls & huge cakes

Or a chance to celebrate something nice? What harm are they doing you?

And OP, someone else's christening is not the time for these antics. This isn't your celebration. Stop making it about you.

It does seem a bit of a shame that they couldn't have transported the cake to the venue before you arrived - did they know what time you were coming?

I agree with those who say that on this occasion it is about the christening so it's not fair to call them out on it, but like happy I'm kind of surprised that a christening requires a hall to be hired and decorated, but hey ho there we go. Also I have noticed with older people that they have no consideration of what might be tiring for a younger person, or how things are with DCs. They seem to assume that because you are younger you have boundless energy, and I suppose compared to them, you do

I think what you or DH should do is, towards the end of the visit, say " The DCs would really like to spend a bit more time with their GPs. This weekend has been very busy so we'd love for you to come and visit us. Shall we get the diaries out and arrange a date?"

You're not being a princess and I can completely understand that this is the straw that has broken the camels back.

Don't say anything this weekend, because the christening is about the other GC.

When you have parents, or PILS, or both as I am so lucky to have, who repeatedly treat their other GC differently to yours it hurts. When they don't disguise it and your own children pick up on it, it cuts like a knife. When you are sat at a table with your DSes, and your DN comes in and your FIL says " hello my favourite grandson" it takes all your strength not to punch him in the face, especially when your DC look at you shocked and sad!

My own DC voted with their feet now, they just don't contact their grandparents.

OP, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning, but IMO your PIL's behaviour won't change so I would just gradually withdraw from them.

""That's all that was done in my day 40 years ago. Why is there a need for a big gathering so a 'venue' has to be booked and decorated? Commercialisation with sheep following?""

I'm 46, I came from a very Catholic area in Liverpool, so big families, immediate family added up and it was usual to hire halls when I was growing up, the only difference was that usually the celebrations were combined.

That could be with another family member, or friends, neighbours were friends, they were like extended family.

It was always the female members of the family that were busy days ahead and the children were left to play with each other.

"Quality Time" hadn't been invented yet, along with Baby led weaning and wearing etc.

Family visits should include RL activities, such as picking children up from school etc. I can understand why family visits are a pain if you are all going to these ridiculous extents rather than just being together and mucking in.

I don't recognise the family events, visiting after birth, get together a from anything I've ever experienced "Up North", is this a Southern thing?

Why don't you take each other as you find them and get stuck in?

OP, I think you have been given a really tough time by some posters and can understand why you are upset. I think the leaving so soon after you had arrived was not on and they should have planned their day a bit more effectively to allow some time to spend with you when you had arrived to, like you say, sit down and have a cup of tea and catch up.
I agree this is not the weekend to bring it up though. I think it is a bit of get on with it for now and discuss it in the future if you feel the need. It must be tough seeing your DH upset by their actions.

Am I wrong in thinking that they had already told you they would not be there??

It is all about the christening this weekend - not you. How about arranging a different weekend to see them? Is that possible?

IF you took this weekend's happenings as a standalone event, it wouldn't really be that bad - but in the context of the history of them doing everything for your SIL and very little for your DH, I can see how it's "just another straw" and adding to your and your DH's already burgeoning resentment and envy

I have read your other threads Precious and no you ANBU at all.

However I agree with the others that this isn't the occasion to bring it up as organising these things are intense.

From their point of view, if you brought all this stuff up NOW they would think your mean and selfish because they do not know how you feel....

they don't' know this is the straw that broke the camels back.

They are putting on a christening you are looking for something else.

Agree with Kerala, all you can do is lower your expectations and don't go again....

if there is ever an invitation just say NO, its too much to treck across london with small children etc etc....

what were you expecting from them, their previous form is crap....at their dds child christining even less is to be expected from them not more.

I really feel for you....however dont keep making the same mistakes over and over again if you put yourselves in this postion again, expect to be treated the same and not surpised!

I'm sorry, but you sound quite demanding. They might be in-laws, but they are your family. Family doesn't need to hang out the bunting and make everything about you whenever you visit.

This is your DN's weekend and you should have realised that things would be focused around that. I can't believe you wouldn't even think to muck in and offer to help.

Clearly you have other issues with them, but on this particular occasion your DN's christening should rightly take preference over other things.

Family doesn't need to hang out the bunting and make everything about you whenever you visit

Of course not rally but they hang out the bunting for their daughter who lives close to them also.

A little consideration and thought for their son perhaps who they rarely see wouldnt have gone a miss, a slight thought about arrangements to make sure they had an hour with them before cracking on....

But they didnt do it because they dont know how they feel, and they are just not focused or interested in them in teh same way as they are their daughter.

What a lot of fuss over a christening. Hire a hall? For people who are not religious? Seems like a fuss over nothing, and OP, YANBU. Pretentious nonsense.

I did agree with most but then as you said maybe they could have done those jobs in the morning as you didn't arrive until 2pm.

I have fallen into a similar trap with PIL's before and it ends up making you look mean / crazy / bitchy / resentful so I stopped caring. I didn't let it bother me, didn't mention anything and in the end it works out one way or another.

Hang in there, take a deep breath, have a drink and try to enjoy it.

I don't think some people are reading the same thread as me. Today's events are a symptom opt what is going on more generally.

OP, I think you have been given a really tough time by some posters and can understand why you are upset. I think the leaving so soon after you had arrived was not on and they should have planned their day a bit more effectively to allow some time to spend with you when you had arrived to, like you say, sit down and have a cup of tea and catch up

exactly! it's just good manners! Nothign princess-y about it at all