To have gone to ds when he was upset? Dh thinks so....

[Tory79]

To the extent that he's not speaking to me!

So dh took ds (2.8) up for his bath and bed last night. Ds was overtired I think, and for whatever reason, bath time quickly descended in to a hysterical screaming fit on the part of ds, typical toddler issues of want to get in bath/dont want to get in bath etc etc but from downstairs I could ds doing those horrible chokey sobs, despite dhs best efforts to calm him. So I went upstairs, poked my head round the bathroom door and dh asked me to go away and let him handle it - I went back downstairs.

A few minutes later ds could be heard wailing for me at the top of the stairs, clearly no calmer and really wanting mummy. So I went back up, ave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed. When he came down he was clearly annoyed and we spent the rest of the evening in silence. The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So, I think I was not being unreasonable to have gone to ds, on the basis that Ds has no problem with dh putting him to bed, they normally have a whale of a time. It's not like we have a problem to fix iykwim. Ds was just overtired, and to be frank I'm better at calming him down than dh is - if I'd not gone up dh would probably have ended up getting cross and putting ds to bed still upset.
Or was I being unreasonable because dh wanted me to let him deal with it?

I think poking your head round the door the first time was VU, and BOUND to lead to ds wailing for you.

How will your dh learn to calm ds in his own way, and how will ds learn to respond to dh's methods if you hovver in that way? It's very passive aggressive.

I know it feels like a small thing at the time, but your dh was under pressure when you did it, too.

He needs not to go silent on you, though - that is also v passive aggressive.

yay im not the only one.

it does make sense but i just would expect that in my own mind i would hopefully know my child well enough to know when i needed to get my partner involved, i think this is the main crux of the issue to me

charm I don't think ds even saw me when I went up first! he was too busy howling on the floor I wasn't hovering, I was downstairs, went up, went back down again. Dh has loads of alone time with ds so I'm sure he has plenty of opportunity to calm ds down on his own.

How on earth is it unreasonable to see if everything's o.k with your own child in your own home?
DH prefers me to help out and be involved, I prefer to do bath time/bedtime on my own.

It's personal preference but I don't think it's unreasonable at all to question your DH/DW about what's going on when a 2yr old is wailing.

Rod for your own back?? Cuddling an over tired child is hardly making a rod for your own back. What does it teach your child when you ignore their basic needs? 'I know you're tired but you can't have a cuddle from mummy because she's downstairs.' That's a valuable life lesson a 2yr old doesn't need to learn.

DP and I have always taken a 50/50 responsibility for parenting because I have worked f/t.

DP has as much right to make choices about food, activities etc as I do, and if he is taking 50% resposnibility then unless something harmful, dangerous or damnaging in some way is taking place I have left him to do it.

This has meant that sometimes meals have not been as I would have chosen, some rather bizarre birthday presents have been taken to other children's birthday parties, outfits have been...original, etc etc. But DP is a co-parent, not my babysitter, nanny or someone to manage in his parenting of our child.

right am off now, 3 hour gap in work day over.

sorry if i offended anyone

good luck OP resolving the situation (think you just need a good honest discussion tbh)

I think you need to work out why your DH told you to go away in the first place. It doesn't seem logical to turn away someone who can help you to deal with a distressed child unless there is another concern.

Did he think you were going to undermine him, as in tell your DS he could have or do something he had said no to? Does he feel threatened by you criticising him or the fact that you are able to calm your DS at times when he can't? Did he want to prove a point to one of you?

Giving your upset child a cuddle and helping him to calm down seems like a very reasonable thing to do whoever is looking after him and it is only undermining the other adult if that person has decided to exclude you in the first place and the child is aware that you are going against their wishes.

So I wouldn't ask him why he was cross. I would ask him why he sent me away in the first place.

Well charm we don't do 50/50 parenting because I'm at home with ds and dh is away more often than not! And I can't help but get a bit annoyed when I spend so much time trying to encourage ds to eat and enjoy healthy food and then dh thinks it's fine to get takeaway bacon rolls for lunch and takeaway Indian/dominos for tea..... I will normally find that not a single bit of fruit or veg has passed ds lips when he's out with dh, instead just a constant stream of takeaway/fruitshoots/chocolate etc

goldmandra I should have that conversation you're quite right.

If I tried to guess at the reasoning behind it I would say it relates to my dsd - dh has felt enormously pushed out of her life and I think he is over sensitive to anything that makes him feel at all the same about ds.

Tantrummimg toddlers very easily play one parent off against the other.

I don't see an overtired upset toddler as being the same as a tantrumming one though. Dh can do what he likes when ds is having a tantrum (also rare )

Do people really not think that toddlers know how to play parents off against each other? They are psychological geniuses!

DS will come up to me, cuddle in, look me deep in my eyes, stroke my cheek and say 'I love you mummy..... Can I have some chocolate?' He knows what he's doing alright!

In his case most of the time he uses the he wants the other parent as a stalling technique so he doesn't go to bed. Other times the one he wants is absolutely knackered and is relieved the other one is going to do bedtime. We don't give in because it does set a precedent. He wanted daddy to take him to nursery today, I did. DP has had a solid month revising for his exam and working on top, he was shattered. Yes he could have, it's free, within his power, would make DS happy, but what DS wants isn't the be all and end all and he is learning that too.

fifi I am confident that I can tell when ds is just being a pain or trying it on, I would absolutely leave dh to it then, but last night he was in genuine distress so I went to him.

I do think the overtired factor makes your intervention less unreasonable.

tory myself, if I were your DH and had said I could handle it I'd be annoyed that you ignored me and went ahead. I can see it from your POV too, when your children cry for you it is horrible to sit back. In my house, with DS being a bit older and a complete blagger we handle things differently. I would say that you said he doesn't normally act out, but did 4 weeks ago and then now.... From nothing to twice in a month.... Watch out for any escalation.

Yabu -you undermined your DS's authority in the eyes of your Ds and gave in to your child's tantrums.I am not surprised your DH is majorly pissed off with you.

No you are not BU. Not even slightly.

You DH and many posters on this thread need to remember that your son is an actual little person and not something he needs to prove a point to himself with. A battle of wills can only go so far.

It wouldn't occur to me to pander to my DH's ego if my child was distressed to the point of chokey sobs. Thankfully DH doesn't think like that.

Undermined? Your husband needs to get over himself.

I do think the idea that comforting a distressed child is somehow letting them get one over on you is a very odd one

Generally if one of the DC is upset and wants a particular parent, or if I can hear DP dealing with an upset child and I think I can help, then I would intervene. I wouldn't generally intervene with discipline unless I really disagreed with what was happening.

If one of the DC was upset and DP asked me to let him deal with it I probably would, but would maybe talk to him later about it if I thought it wasn't the best approach in those circumstances.

Even if they are having a tantrum because they're trying to get out of something or just being contrary... sometimes it goes too far and they get really hysterical. DS was doing it the other weekend and he's five! Moaning that he didn't want to clean his room as he'd been asked and generally grumping about it, until he got into an argument with me, following me around, and I ended up shouting and making him cry. It wasn't my intention, I was just totally fed up.

DH took him out of the room because I was not really in the right headspace to deal with it, but he was basically unsympathetic and said, well, you should have stopped bugging Mummy when she asked you nicely. Now, go and clean your room. A few minutes later he was still doing the choky crying thing and I just thought, ugh, this isn't helpful to anybody and I don't like hearing him so upset over something which is really not that big of a deal.

So I went and sat with him and just cuddled him, and he'd got himself into a state because I'd written him a little list of what stages he needed to do, and in his rage he'd ripped it up and tried to re-write it but then decided that was taking too long and he needed me to write it.

He was calmer, I said, look, I'm not rewriting your list. You can use the ripped list or you can write your own but it's not my fault that you chose to rip it. I've got other things that I need to do. He whined a bit and for a moment I thought he was going to go back to hysterics but I stayed firm in my decision and he got over it, very quickly, suddenly decided he was enthusiastic and actually cleaned his room very well. Okay we could have done without the hour or two of histronics in the first place! But cuddling him and accepting that he'd got himself into a bit of a state and helping him get out of it didn't involve him getting anything extra to what was originally offered, and the end result was that the job got done.

I think it can be a totally separate thing - the emotional meltdown can be a reaction to being told no about something or being told they have some kind of punishment for bad behaviour but it's possible to separate out the discipline issue/message that sometimes needs to happen/that they can't have everything, while also supporting and being there for them when they're upset for whatever reason that is! They are not so stupid that they can't disentangle these two events which are happening at the same time.

Yanbu!

Get over it dh, baby wanted mummy

My dp called me home last night as my oak wasn't hysterical crying for me..

And if baby wants Mummy when she's in labour or breast feeding new baby?

Not speakingto you jeez thats harsh parenting is a team sport cheesy I know but the toddler was upset you wentto help tbf your husband was flustered but god sake its all got a bit out of hand

See rider I don't get that point. So just because there will be times in the future when I CANT go to ds, that means I never should when I can? I've already said that it's not like I jump every time he cries, but now and again he really needs me, so if it's possible for me to help him why wouldn't i?

He's not very good at talking full stop unfortunately mrsjayy If he's annoyed he rarely talks to me about it, just waits until he's not annoyed any more and then starts talking to me again. Drives me potty.

I don't see it as maternal instinct daily walks. Equally if a child was screaming for daddy then withholding comfort would be wrong. Why does the feelings ego etc of the other parent take president over the child's distress. It doesn't have to be oneupmanship or compation of gender at home even if it is media etc. it's about parenting and comforting a child. I think it's selfish of a parent whatever gender to consider it as anything else in the case of this OP.