To have gone to ds when he was upset? Dh thinks so....

[Tory79]

To the extent that he's not speaking to me!

So dh took ds (2.8) up for his bath and bed last night. Ds was overtired I think, and for whatever reason, bath time quickly descended in to a hysterical screaming fit on the part of ds, typical toddler issues of want to get in bath/dont want to get in bath etc etc but from downstairs I could ds doing those horrible chokey sobs, despite dhs best efforts to calm him. So I went upstairs, poked my head round the bathroom door and dh asked me to go away and let him handle it - I went back downstairs.

A few minutes later ds could be heard wailing for me at the top of the stairs, clearly no calmer and really wanting mummy. So I went back up, ave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed. When he came down he was clearly annoyed and we spent the rest of the evening in silence. The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So, I think I was not being unreasonable to have gone to ds, on the basis that Ds has no problem with dh putting him to bed, they normally have a whale of a time. It's not like we have a problem to fix iykwim. Ds was just overtired, and to be frank I'm better at calming him down than dh is - if I'd not gone up dh would probably have ended up getting cross and putting ds to bed still upset.
Or was I being unreasonable because dh wanted me to let him deal with it?

How would YOU feel if your DH intervened with what you were doing every time DS kicked off? You are undermining your DH and trying to make him the lesser parent than you by doing so.,

*If my 2 year old was howling for me and sobbing, I would go to him and bollocks to my DH's ego feeling bruised about it. Parenthood is not about massaging one another's need to feel validated. It's about teamwork and putting the child's needs first.

The husband's sulking over this is just absurd. If he disagreed with what the OP did, there are a hundred far more constructive ways to discuss it than going off in a huff.*

welll said smite

user when I say the same thing happened 4 weeks ago I was just trying to make the point how unusual it is for ds to be like that... They're probably the only 2 times this has happened within the last year.

If it was happening on a regular basis and I was constantly going to dh I could absolutely see the problem, but if my normally happy toddler is upset to that degree and it's out of the ordinary then I just think it's right that I should go to him. 5m with me and he'd calmed right down and he and dh got on with story time in peace.

Whether or not you see it as undermining, your husband seems to feels undermined in his parenting. When he came downstairs and was clearly annoyed did you try to talk to him about it?

Constantly going to ds I mean.

I would have done the same. Have done and would still do it. A crying child needs comforting.

We don't give in to his demands, even when the tears break me. We think it sets a precedent he'll play on

Blimey that's awful

Why? Ds2 has some spectacular tantrums when he feels like being contrary for the sake of it. I can tell when he 'genuinely' wants something and when he's crying/making as much noise as possible for the attention. And when he's doing it for the attention, he's ignored, and I definitely don't give in to his demands. Why that's awful is beyond me.

In the example the pp used, I've been in that situation. Most of the time dh and I put the dc to bed together, sometimes it's just one or the other of us if the other is out/busy. 99% of time they'll go happily whoever is with them.

Ds2 had a complete meltdown the other week. Dh was downstairs finishing his work that he'd had to bring home. Ds's said goodnight perfectly fine and I took them up. After ds2 ignoring me and me removing a toy he had a completely meltdown, crying pitifully that he wanted Daddy to put him to bed, calling him, near hysterics.

I told him he'd already said goodnight, he'd see daddy in the morning, lie down now etc etc. I certainly didn't go racing downstairs to get dh as that would have been completely giving in and teaching a four year old that the way to get his way is to tantrum.

Tory if you are 22 weeks pregnant, there are going to be times very soon when you will not be able to go to your 3 year old no matter how much he screams.

Surely he needs to learn that Daddy can do it, and if Mummy doesn't drop everything and come running, actually, everything still works out fine in the end.

wobbly he came downstairs and announced he was going out for a walk straight away, so no I didn't, by the time he got back in afraid I was feeling rather annoyed too!

Agreed, Bertie & Smite. It seem the objective was not to get a child happily to sleep, but to assert Daddy's power - otherwise, both parents would agree on comforting DS.

The fact that Daddy's now sulking (a childish response if ever there was one) does rather show that his 'authority' matters more to him than his toddler's contentment.

And yes, it has caused problems with DH. Problem is we have a very stubborn 3rd child. And DH is also a very stubborn man. For a few years when DS2 was younger there was no compromise and I don't beleive that sitting downstairs in tears myself while child sobbed hysterically and DH eventually lost his rag, is a sensible solution to a problem.

It is difficult, I understand that, but be very careful. If you keep 'interfering'(and I mean that in the nicest possible way), your DH will stop bathing and bedding DC, 'letting you get on with it because you know best, obviously'. That would hurt everyone. This is not a baby that needs mum, but a toddler that wants mum.
Try to let them get on with it - long term, it will help them build a close bond.

Keeping, it's 'awful' because he's a little child. He doesn't have grown-up understandings about systems & processes, manipulative game-plays or any of the other adult reasons for ignoring distress. He's distressed because he wants a certain thing - that thing is in your power to provide, costs nothing, and gets bedtime done nicely. Why withhold it?

i wouldn't say thats undermining him. to me undermining is:

dc: dad can i have a chocolate bar
dad: no dc you can wait until after dinner
dc: muuuum dad wont let me have a chocolate bar
mum: oh just go and get one out of the cupboard sweetie.

comforting your tired/upset child is not undermining, stepping on his toes though? maybe.

YANBU

You were able to calm the situation down. At what point would it have been ok for you to intervene?

Would you wait and wait while toddler gets more and more distressed for the go-ahead from DH?
I think not.

The trouble with you coming in, is that you have no idea what DH is doing and what the situation is, beyond what you can hear. DH is on the spot and the best judge of what is going on. If feels that the best thing is for DS to have a cuddle from mum, then he can ask you. You coming in regardless shows you have no confidence in him. How would you like it if you were with DS and DH came in and decided that he "needed" something different?

DH used to have a bad habit of swanning in to "help" with the DC because it was "obvious" that they need something and actually made the situation worse. We have now agreed that if one parent is managing a situation than the other keeps out unless asked.

Careful, if he figures out screaming will get your attention, he's going to ramp it up x10 when the baby comes along and he realizes he's not getting your full undivided attention anymore. You might be teaching him bad habits.

The last thing you want is to be that mom that posted a thread a while back about how she couldn't take a shower without her toddler crying at the door because her partner stopped trying to calm her.

I just want to reiterate in case it's got lost that it is REALLY unusual for ds to get that upset. I don't run to him every time he cries, and sometimes dh does a better job of calming him down than I do anyway! They have a great relationship and I've had more than a few nights away and happily left them to it. Me going to comfort ds now and again when I think he's exceptionally upset is not, as far as I'm concerned, indicative of a larger parenting problem.

I'm a sahm and dh works long hours and is only back for bedtime maybe 2-3 times max a week so yes I am the primary carer, but ds adores daddy and as I've said before bedtime for them is normally a fantastic time.

And stargazy if ds was howling for dh and dh was in a position to come to him and comfort him I absolutely would want him to do that, why would I not?

AElfgifu has beaten me to it, but if you're 22w pregnant, all the more reason to take a back seat now and let your DH deal with it.

It is undermining him, not necessarily in your DS's eyes but certainly in your DH's. You should have asked him if he wanted help. Your DS is going to want only you an awful lot more in about 18w time, and you're going to have to say no to him quite a bit. If you don't start saying no now, he is going to associate your unwillingness to go to him every time he calls with the arrival of the new baby's and you're going to have a bigger problem.

FWIW, if that had happened in our house with DC2 (2.3), which it frequently does, then I would have waited for DH to call. In 99% of cases, he would, I'd go up, DH would say DS needs a mummy cuddle, I'd give him one and then say 'ok, back to Daddy for bathtime'. But the conversation would be between DH and me, I wouldn't respond to DS until DH had asked - and the same would happen the other way round. But yes, it's about teamwork and just getting them into bed so we can open the wine, so there wouldn't be any issue about calling the other parent, assuming they were available.

DC are very good at asking for whichever parent isn't trying to get them to do something against their will, IME!

He's distressed because he wants a certain thing - that thing is in your power to provide, costs nothing, and gets bedtime done nicely. Why withhold it

Really? You see no reason to not let a toddler get their own way constantly?

By your reasoning when my 4 year old is crying for sweets because he really, really wants them...I should let him?

What you're doing is teaching them that crying/screaming/whatever it is they're doing = getting what you want.

People seem to treat toddlers and children like glass, and I don't understand why. A toddler being explained to that no, mummy/daddy can't do that (bathtime/bedtime etc) isn't going to being emotionally damaged or suffer from it, even if they do have a tantrum over it.

I will say again, this is not usual behaviour on the part of ds who generally has a very peaceful fairly undemanding temperament.

YWNBU

You did not undermine him . How could you when it wasn't a case of daddy saying DS you need a bath and the OP saying no you don't.

Not talking to you as he is pissed off is pathetic. Is he often annoyed that you manage the children better than him?

YANBU, in that situation the child's needs come first, he's only 2. DH should have let you step in without sulking about it. It has happened both ways round in our family many times, we don't see it as undermining or the child as being manipulative.

Literally I have probably gone up to 2 bedtimes in the past year when ds has clearly been overtired and hysterical.

I'd say YANBU because I would do the same. Tbh in that situation getting your child to bed in as calm a state as possible is more important than point scoring and asserting who is in charge.

We had very similar with my DS at that age because he was so tired. DH and I would tag team dealing with him so neither of us lost our rag or would do it together when possible. But like your DS if mine is really in a state it's me who can calm him down more quickly. Why would I leave him in a state just because it would somehow be offensive to my DH to help calm the situation? It works the other way too - I get wound up by DS's behaviour much more quickly than DH so he will step in to diffuse situations sometimes. I don't get offended or feel undermined, just the best parent for that situation sorted it out.