Why are birthday cards and presents 'women's work'?

[Mosschopz]

MIL just says women are 'better' at that sort of thing than men but that's bullshit, no? How, when I work a 12 hour day 5 days a week plus weekends am I in any way 'better' that OH at putting a freaking stamp on a card? This kind of 1950's housewife crap rubs off on him and I get home to the question of why my BIL's and DN's cards haven't been posted yet. He ended up eating them...and I refuse to respond to any more of MIL's 'reminders'.

We have different jobs that we enjoy.
DH likes doing the washing and changing the beds, I like washing the car
however, I LOVE stationery and buy it all the time, I have cards coming out of my ears.
I have the dates in the family diary and most of the time it is me that nudges but either of us go into the card file and choose a card.
HOwever, it is ALWAY me who sorts out cards and gifts for DS's friends parties

They aren't. They are the work of the person who gives a damn. DH doesn't give a toss whether his family get cards and gifts, and neither do I. I stay relaxed in the face of any misplaced "reminders", because I'm supporting his approach to his family.

What element of buying cards for other people are women supposedly better at?

DW and I have always shared present and card-buying; I enjoy looking for something appropriate for Christmases, birthdays and weddings. Don't understand "I do my family; he does his", does this mean you don't send anything to your in-laws? What about children's partners; who does them?

I did an experiment over the last few months where I bought cards for every family member. Cost me a personal fortune.

The one card I left for DH to actually put in the post box ended up going to the wrong address and FIL commented that I knew his address even if his own son didn't.

My MIL bought me a birthday diary book, so I can "remember all of their birthdays" for my birthday all gift wrapped and she was ever so chuffed with her purchase. (dh was cringing)

yet when I do buy something for her birthday, get a card, gift wrap and post to her....who do you think she rings to thank...you guessed it dh. Oh and in a fall out she said she was upset the card was writtern by me not her darling son.

I cant win. I binned the birthday diary which she oh so carefully went through each page to show me how lovely it was.

DH's family is his dept, he would never in a million years know when my families bdays are let alone buy and write a card.

• I ended up doing it for years with DH family – not sure how that happened I think I just went along with the expectations.

It was never appreciated - in fact think MIL did try and catch us ie me out by reminding us day before or on dates – then we’d get something delivered off internet which always seemed to put her out.

I just stopped – I think after one birthday when no one bothered with mine.

MIL sorts his extended family out - to point she buys card, presents bring over get him to sign and kids and then hand it over. DH does his parents. I may get asked for ideas occasionally - but I'm never given credit.
I do my family – when I remember.

I seem to end up doing most of the present shopping for DC – DH recently got a bit better getting a few things now they are older or at least having ideas.

yet when I do buy something for her birthday, get a card, gift wrap and post to her....who do you think she rings to thank...you guessed it dh. Oh and in a fall out she said she was upset the card was writtern by me not her darling son.

^^ been there

Same here white mil knows it's me that gets her cards and presents, yet it's only dp that gets the recognition.

The only birthdays dp remembers is mine and dd. I don't mind doing the buying of every one else's as dp would spend far too much money on a shite gift.

In fact I'm going to leave it now for the rest of the year and when it gets raised I'm going to reply " oh did dp forget?.... I'll do it again in future...'

I think women are ( in general ) better at it.

Bullshit. Men in jobs are capable or getting organised and sorting stuff appropriately, they just cba.

DP and I have been together more than 27 years. I have no idea whether his family have ever had cards. I have a much bigger family and I do my side, I don't expect DP to remember them.

Neither do I do his ironing, he's probably better than me at it!

AF I have had both those arguments with my MIL

(We have also argued about my drinking pints of real ale in a non-Ladylike manner, working FT and confusing DD2 about whether or not she is a girl by buying her a Spider-Man T-shirt).

DH was rubbish at remembering his family's Birthdays, but several irate phone calls from MIL later, he now has them all saved as alerts on his phone and is much better.

It's not 'women's work' in this household. DH does his family, I do mine when I remember.

Buying cards and presents for DP's family bit me firmly on the ass.

When we first got together I got all the cards and presents for his family. I got on well with his nan (who i will call Mary). for Christmas I was writing all the cards out and put on her card "Dear Mary, happy Christmas .. blah blah blah" and gave it to her.

Well, because I put Mary on the card and not nan (this was by genuine accident as I called her Mary and not nan, it was not malicious in anyway) she hasnt spoken to me for 13 YEARS.

There was much bosum hoiking and tutting from MIL and SIL and the rest of the family at how bad I was and how the falling out was all my fault so with immediate affect I stopped the buying of cards and present and have never done any since.

DP is crap at remembering, such a shame.

I think it is 'women's work' or 'wife work' in as much as anything is these days. Kin keeping (including taking care of children / family members, maintaining family ties and connections, preserving traditions) which in our culture involves sending cards/presents to mark certain occasions was traditionally part of the role of female members of the household.

Obviously, these traditional gender roles don't exist in our society today, but it's a legacy from when they did. In the same way as cooking, cleaning, bringing up children etc can (wrongly) be assumed by some people to be women's work.

DP has no desire to send cards for any reason to anyone. He does have a mother though, who loves to get Mother's Day, birthday and Christmas cards from him and obviously presents too.
The thing is these things have to be done to smooth the way and oil the cogs. I have tried saying forget it and leaving it up to him but he doesn't buck up, and I end up worse off for it.
MIL has never let up about the few times I've left card and present giving to him. "you two don't care about me" etc. This is nothing to him but I feel mortified. There's no point explaining that I've left it up to him as she won't get that, she'll just continue to rant that we don't care.
Also, if I leave it to him to get me something from DD, it doesn't happen or he asks me to do it for him.
I also send cards to some of his extended family. I think they would find us extremely rude as a family if we didn't send/reciprocate cards.
On balance, it's not fair but life is easier if I do it.

"Op, I'm sorry but you sound very angry & bitter, almost as if you don't like being a woman."

Thanks shakethetree, that's given me a giggle! Goodness me ... do try harder.

Stereotypical nonsense. I used to do it all but stopped a few years back. And if the f...king in laws don't like it then tough. It's okay for him to not remember my family's but I cannot forget his family's?? Don't think so. We both work full time. Divide things fairly.

Actually - reading that back I'm laughing too ( sorry, didn't mean to sound like such an arse )
I really like buying cards & presents, & I know I put a lot more thought & effort into it than dh would, plus it's not really that time consuming, you can get some lovely cards & small gifts in Waitrose - dh would do it but everyone would get a 'humorous card' ( which wouldn't be funny at all ) & a gift voucher.

& the reason I opened this thread & commented is because ( & I know I shouldn't ) but I judge people by the cards they send. For example, I've never forgiven my SIL for sending me a Christmas card out of a box. I always send my close family individually bought cards.

I don't do any of this for DP's family. I can't remember any of their birthdays anyway.

I have a huge family and usually cannot remember to do my own let alone anyway else's. And I don't think I would care if everyone forgot mine.

I must be a bloke!

DW does all our cards and presents. If left to me, no one would get anything. She just cares about it more than I do.

I'm pretty sure most women only "care" more because we are judged for not sending the cards, like we can read from several posts on this thread.

DH and I take care of our own families respectively, but SIL and BIL (DH's brother) seem to work on the basis that men are incapable of organising their own lives. SIL is forever contacting me about stuff its up to the brothers to sort out between themselves. I just forward everything to DH .

And seriously, why is it supposedly so hard for the poor menz to remember birthdays? DH just transfers them from the old pocket diary to the new one at the start of each year. Its not bloody rocket science.