Why are birthday cards and presents 'women's work'?

[Mosschopz]

MIL just says women are 'better' at that sort of thing than men but that's bullshit, no? How, when I work a 12 hour day 5 days a week plus weekends am I in any way 'better' that OH at putting a freaking stamp on a card? This kind of 1950's housewife crap rubs off on him and I get home to the question of why my BIL's and DN's cards haven't been posted yet. He ended up eating them...and I refuse to respond to any more of MIL's 'reminders'.

[MrsKoala]

Ha! Nocomet. You have no idea about my PILs. They banned me from their house for 2 years because i didn't say something nice about their xmas tree! They have never once visited us or DH. When we do visit FIL refuses to look at me and wont acknowledge me. They didn't come to our wedding. When we had DS they never came to see him till we took him there at 4mo (when they lifted the ban). I think it's easy when you have nice, normal people in your life to think that everyone is like that. But sadly they aren't. I am not in the least bit ashamed.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

And neither should you be MrsK. I thought Nocomet's comment was out of order.

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

nocomet ashamed? Bit of an over use of a word.

[ExcuseTypos]

DH assumed I would do all cards and presents when we married 25 years ago. I told him I wasn't doing it, hence numerous phone calls to me from MIL, asking why great auntie Mary etc, hadnt had a birthday card from us. And reminders 2 weeks before about my DH's god child's birthday and various other people I'd never met.


It's ridiculous.

[ExcuseTypos]

Must add, DH actually enjoys present and card buying and is bloody good at it. Imagine if I'd denied him that opportunity, poor thing

[Bunbaker]

"I think women generally care more about this sort of thing, so they make it their work. Most of the men in my family couldn't give a shit whether they get a birthday card or not, so they don't place as much importance on doing it for others."

^^This is my husband. Birthdays aren't important to him. He is also very forgetful and has asked me several times to remind him when DD or my birthday is coming up. If I didn't remember any of his family birthdays they would get nothing. I don't mind doing it myself because his family are lovely and always remember my birthday. So it isn't really a one way thing.

[FraidyCat]

As a man, I think that greetings cards are the a total waste of time and money.

I don't really understand what the beginning of that sentence has to do with the end.

I think he means that generally speaking a lot of men feel this way, and far fewer women. I feel the same about cards and presents as he does, and agree with his extrapolation to the male population in general. (I have no hard data though, so I'm prepared to change my mind if anyone comes up with a relevant statistic.)

Without going back to count, I think several women on this thread have said that the reason men don't do cards is that they "can't be arsed." Possibly they meant this as a criticism, but I just interpret it as a statement of fact.

In this thread there are examples of men who do cards and women that don't, my prejudice is that these are part of minorities. (Prejudice is not automatically a bad thing, it is the brain's reasonable statistical extrapolation from limited data.)

[FraidyCat]

Possibly they meant this as a criticism, but I just interpret it as a statement of fact.

That wasn't clear: I'm saying there nothing wrong with not caring about doing something, if you don't think it needs doing.

[MrsKoala]

Well i'm the opposite Fraidy, based on no scientific data whatsoever , just personal experience. I don't know one man who doesn't like to receive a birthday card/gift and i know plenty of women who don't give a stuff if they get anything.

[whereisshe]

In this thread there are examples of men who do cards and women that don't, my prejudice is that these are part of minorities.

My prejudice is that these are people who are English people of a certain class (haven't figured out exactly which ones, I think middle and possible upper?). Giving a shit about cards is not really a gender thing imo, it's class- and culture-based.

There might be gender based card giving subset within that larger group and other aspects of background might influence it too (eg female education levels, who is the home maker etc) but I don't see any evidence that "card giving is a chick thing" in a holistic way. Not like "giving birth is a chick thing"!

I'd even argue the opposite - saying "I've seen women do it therefore all women do it" is just a demonstration of male prejudice, where the actions of the under-privileged individual are seen to be representative of ALL women, not just THAT woman....

[HelenHen]

Lol just yesterday mil mentioned how there was no card for gmils birthday from us. I mentioned how dh is working ridiculously long hours, we don't do cards in my family and that we did well to turn up to the party... In other words 'get a bloody grip'

[pommedeterre]

Dh does it all for his so no cards for anyone - just presents delivered via asos/amazon etc. We sign cards/presents/gift notes from all of us though.

Occasionally I will chip in (ie if doing hand prints on jug thing for my mum by kids will do one for his mum too) but more to make him think I'm great than anything to do with the bloody PILS.

[knickernicker]

It's not just that we think cards are important, it's that we're more sensitive to the fallout. I really don't like the stress caused by MIL feeling unloved. DP feels nothing apart from vague annoyance if she gets in a strop about it.