Why are birthday cards and presents 'women's work'?

[Mosschopz]

MIL just says women are 'better' at that sort of thing than men but that's bullshit, no? How, when I work a 12 hour day 5 days a week plus weekends am I in any way 'better' that OH at putting a freaking stamp on a card? This kind of 1950's housewife crap rubs off on him and I get home to the question of why my BIL's and DN's cards haven't been posted yet. He ended up eating them...and I refuse to respond to any more of MIL's 'reminders'.

[Glitterfeet]

MrsKoala

[SpeedwellBlue]

CruCru I was asked at work to buy a present from Mothercare for a colleague whose partner had had a baby after I had had 3 miscarriages. (The person who asked me knew this.) I suggested that I was perhaps not the best person to pick to do this job.

[zipzap]

I would be tempted to forward all reminders from MIL on to DH, cc'ing MIL in on them. Or if she tells me the reminders in person, then I'd just say thanks, I'll tell DH you have a message for him.

DH and I tend to do our own cards, although if I ask him if there's anything he wants from the supermarket and he says a card for a sibling / mother's day etc then I'll stick it on the shopping list and get one. And if he's going out for a walk when I'm in, I'll maybe ask him to stick a card in the postbox as he's going past.

However, we did have a call from SIL the other day, and she happened to mention that it wasn't her birthday... We said we knew - her birthday was months ago. And dh had definitely sent her a card - he has 2 siblings with birthdays around the same time, so tends to buy both cards at the same time. And one of them might get it a little late, the other a little early but they both got bought around the right time and sent.

Turns out the card from dh had taken several months to get to her. So much for a first class stamp

[PrincessBabyCat]

Yes, those poor menz just need us womenz to make sure they're on top of things.

My MIL, bless her, went up to me and told me to make sure DH eats and how he needed unscented laundry detergent when we went to move in together. She was definitely the 1950's housewife stereotype, who constantly brought FIL meals and did all the housework for him.

I laughed and said I'm sure he'd survive. No joke I got a phone call the first day we moved in asking if he ate. Told her I hadn't a clue. She got upset saying to make sure he eats, told her he'd eat when he was hungry and the human body could go 40 days without food. He wouldn't die if he forgot to eat a day or two.

She also left messages on my phone expecting me to pass them on so he would do something or whatnot. Then got upset when DH didn't get the message. Asked her if she had his phone number. She finally got it.

Before you ask, no DH never came into the relationship with the same expectations as FIL. He hated how FIL treated his mother. He also remembered to pick out thoughtful cards for his mom on his own for her birthdays and mother's day.

[Darkandstormynight]

I don't get on 100 percent with the IL's but dh would never ever remember. I do it more to keep things smooth between them. Even then for the first ten years or so MIL would get miffed if it didn't come from dh including his hand writing on all the cards, etc. Now I think she realizes if not for me she would get nothing so I dint hear too much more about it.

For awhile they would mock my choice if gift so now they get gift cards and cash :) if they have a problem I'll tell them to give it back.

[OwlinaTree]

I usually remind dh about birthdays, but the gifts are a joint effort, it's thinking of something that's the hard bit! I don't mind choosing cards, in terms of household tasks it's quite fun compared with renewing the car insurance or mowing the lawn! Siblings/parents birthdays we tend to sort ourselves, but Xmas is definately team work!

And DH does the wrapping, I hate wrapping!

[partialderivative]

He ended up eating them

wtf

[Toapointlordcopper]

DH rarely has the dates on his radar so always forgets birthdays on his side of the family. As a result they never get cards or presents. His problem. The family know that and seem fine with it. He does buy them huge Christmas presents so I guess they figure that it works out in the end. I imagine that if any if them seemed to mind I might stick it in my own diary and remind him closer to the time, but I'd certainly not do more than that.

ROFL at idea of doing husbands ironing.

[humblebumble]

I am separated from my DH and I still send his family (my nieces and nephews - my DC's cousins) gifts. Birthdays are important to me and my immediate family. His family don't care either way and rarely send gifts to my DC. However, I think it isn't really a big deal to send a little something to celebrate someone on their special day, it doesn't have to be a lot but it can mean something. I try not to get caught up with all the other crap.

[Morloth]

Not in my house, I think cards are stupid so I don't buy anyone any ever.

If I want to buy someone a gift I do.

If DH wants to buy someone a pressie he does.

[melissa83]

I have been married a long time, and have no clue on any of the in laws or dhs sides birthdays. I have a vague idea of which month, butbits not something I need to remember really.

[calmet]

The book "Wifework" describes how so much of this everyday organising, tends to be seen as the woman's job.

I leave my DP to send cards, presents to PIL's and other relatives. I see to my family. And actually I am the disorganised one who is sometimes late with cards and presents.

[HelenHen]

I love shopping! Plus dh works an avg 14 hour day while I wander aimlessly around shops a few days a week so have the time to do it! If I can't be parsed I simply remind him about it. I've not accepted the job but do it cos I know he hasn't got the time and we're a team like that... Not cos im a woman!

[glenthebattleostrich]

I pointed out I'm DH's wife not his PA and he'd have to match my salary if anyone expected me to do all life organising.

Slightly off on a tangent on the ironing thing, my DM told me on my wedding day that I needed to be a proper wife now and do DHs ironing. When I laughed she told me she wouldn't be surprised when we divorced with that attitude! She's still disgusted I'm not a proper wife. And don't get me started on the dishwasher arguments ...

[melissa83]

My mil now when we wed I dont iron, at the time cooked no food and never even made dh as much as a sandwich, dont send cards or pressies etc. She still loved me, as did dh. Some men just marry women who want a little slave housewife but that is and was never going to be me.

[Writerwannabe83]

I refuse to but cards or presents for any relatives or friends on my DH's side. He is an adult and it is his responsibility. As far as I'm concerned, I sort out my family and friends and he sorts his.

If he wants them to have something then he has to be the one to buy it. Admittedly I do have to remind him but that's where my job ends

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

I tend to remember that someones birthday is coming up, but its usually a case that whoever remembers or has the opportunity to buy a gift will do.

As it is, DH is a much better card buyer than I am but I excel at gifts. Either way, its equal.

[joanofarchitrave]

DH is much better at this than me. He puts all the dates including my family and friends on the calendar every year and reminds me of birthdays coming up each month, so that's quite a lot of 'husbandwork'. It's then up to me to actually do the carding. We don't really do presents for adults except our parents which has simplified things considerably

[toomuchtooold]

I leave my DH's family to him to sort out and as a result they seldom get more than a phone call on birthdays. And then he gets annoyed when they "forget" his birthday. I suspect that's my MIL getting him back, but don't want to tell him in case it sets the cat among the pigeons...

[curiousuze]

ThinkI've yes, that's how it is with us as well - DH is great at finding and choosing just the right card for someone, but is rubbish with presents (anyone female gets 'a plant' everyone male gets 'beer'). I am the complete opposite.

[KatyN]

In our house presents and cards are my job in exchange for bins.

Play to your strengths

[swampytiggaa]

DH sorts his side I sort mine. Job done. And thank the lord for online shopping with delivery options ;)

[voodoochimp]

DH is way better at this sort of thing than me. He never forgets a birthday and makes it a priority to get a card and present there on time.

Me on the other hand, not so good.

[calmet]

KatyN - So it is just conincidence that your "strength" is a stereotypically female one, and your DP's is a stereotypically male one?