Why are birthday cards and presents 'women's work'?

[Mosschopz]

MIL just says women are 'better' at that sort of thing than men but that's bullshit, no? How, when I work a 12 hour day 5 days a week plus weekends am I in any way 'better' that OH at putting a freaking stamp on a card? This kind of 1950's housewife crap rubs off on him and I get home to the question of why my BIL's and DN's cards haven't been posted yet. He ended up eating them...and I refuse to respond to any more of MIL's 'reminders'.

[SelectAUserName]

I do it, but not because it's "wifework" or because there's any expectation on me to do it. We do the stuff we're respectively better at, and I happen to have a good memory for dates (I also book the car in for its MOT and service for the same reason) and enjoy shopping for presents. My DH does all the ironing because he's good at it and has the patience to do it whereas I'm dyspraxic and invariably end up knocking over the iron, dropping the freshly-ironed clothing or burning myself.

We don't get fashed over whether something is traditionally seen as "men's work" or "women's work", we play to our strengths as individuals and as a couple. I certainly wouldn't refuse to do something I'm good at on principle just because it's something that historically would be done by a woman just to make a point, but equally neither of us would duck out of doing something we were capable of by claiming it was "a man's/woman's job", or assume that the shape of our genitals automatically makes one or other of us the only one capable of doing X or Y (or perhaps that should be XX or XY ) on that basis.

[WowOoo]

The tasks of choosing and buying presents falls on me because I am better at it and I actually do enjoy it.

Dh is good at stocking up on stamps and he usually keeps a selection of 'humorous' cards for adults and cute/funny ones for kids.

I know what you mean Op though. i sometimes have to remind him it's his own brother's birthday soon.

[diddl]

I agree that they aren't "women's work".

My ILs bdays are on the same dates as they were before I met my husband.

Likewise he still has the same time to buy/post stuff as he always had.

I don't go out to work & have more time & would of course buy/post stuff if he asked.
(which he knows).

But it hasn't automatically become my stuff to do.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

It's DH's responsibility to buy presents and cards for his family. His mum nags him enough about it so I don't have to and wouldn't anyway. He's not too bad, always buys presents, cards can be a bit hit and miss. I let him get on with it. It's certainly not my job.

[Kundry]

I had a massive falling out with MIL and SIL over their expectations that I would do this. A 'birthday book' was pointedly given to me as a Christmas present after I forgot a 2 year old's birthday. I suspect she got over it In the early days of our marriage I did not have my own relationship with these people that made me want to send them cards and eventually I used the secret weapon of my DM to tell MIL it was DH's responsibility.

A few years on I know MIL better and can see how very little she has in her life. In another era, married to a different man, she could have been very different and would probably have thought the same way about cards as me. I don't think she has liked her life very much and has been thwarted. All she can do is cling on the choices she made (or were made for her) and it's very upsetting for her to see her DILs rejecting them out of hand.

I still don't do the cards but I like my MIL a lot better now.

[Joysmum]

In our marriage we both do what we are better at. I'm terrible because I have a thing for buying cards I like. We have a drawer full of them! We both sign the cards.

My DH has a thing for collecting power tools, he has a garage full of them.

No twatty comments about 'women's work' will make me feel negatively or apologetic for the fact that, in many instances, we fit with gender stereo types!

[SpicyPear]

I've been with DR for 10 years now and it's only in the last couple that he had really got a grip with this stuff not being my job. He's usually quite feminist but he just assumed I would sort cards etc and would say "we forgot to send a mother's day card" to his mother!

I have much more free time so I do most of the card buying still but he now understands that he needs to ask me nicely and thank me, not expect it because I have boobs and a fanny.

[SpicyPear]

DH

[MillionPramMiles]

I wasn't aware this was 'women's work'.
DP sorts his own family's b'day presents/cards out and has never expected me to.
I do get involved in choosing Xmas presents but only because I like his family and the gifts are from both of us.

Agree about playing to strengths though. I'm happy to take online grocery shopping instead of emptying the nappy bin.

[elQuintoConyo]

DH's large family never did birthdays, but do Christmas instead. I stll get a card for my two Sils though, as we're very close and have dc the same age.

So, I remember cards and gifts for my family and friends, DH gets poked with reminders about imminent godson's birthday or something, but takes responsibility of it himself.

No one has ever told me to take charge of certain things because I have an inny whereas DH should be in charge of bills and the car because he has an outy.

Due to our jobs, I do more cleaning he does more childcare. Writing cards is just such a small insignificant part of it that, honestly, it barely registers.

[ComposHat]

It is only women's work if you make it so. I send cards and presents to my family and she sends them to hers.

[shakethetree]

Yabu - I love buying cards & presents & have never felt 'hard done by' -
Op, I'm sorry but you sound very angry & bitter, almost as if you don't like being a woman.

[HazleNutt]

Did DH send his family birthday cards before you met? If yes, then why would he stop just because he's married? If no, no need to suddenly start either.
I'm horrible with dates, this year almost managed to forget DHs birthday and can never remember our anniversaries and such, so it would be extremely silly to make both families' cards my task.

[CMOTDibbler]

I have always said that I'll take responsibility for dhs family cards/presents when he equally worries about what to get for my great aunt etc. It took a while for dhs family to readjust their expectation

[almondcakes]

I am not keen on this DH wouldn't remember/ wouldn't know what to get someone if they were a child or woman/ doesn't think cards are important/ is better at something else.


It is a card and present for somebody else. It isn't about whether you are any good at it or whether you would rather deal with bins and power tools. It isn't about your preferences. It is about showing you care for and value another human being. It is both 'work' and an act of caring for that other person.

I hope that in a few years DS cares about me enough to pick me out a card and present and send them to me, not hand it over to his PA or his partner in exchange for taking out the bins (which presumably include his own rubbish as well) on the grounds that he doesn't like giving gifts.

What some of you are really saying is that many men don't really think about or care about other people very much.

[StackALee]

I never send my MIL a card on my husband's behalf. He would never send one to my mum.

[StackALee]

"Op, I'm sorry but you sound very angry & bitter, almost as if you don't like being a woman."

what?

maybe she likes being a woman but doesn't like the way women are treated.

[diddl]

Problem for you OP is that your husband buys into MILs crap!

[hedgehogy]

They're not in this house. I sort out cards and presents for my family and my husband does the same for his family.

[PoirotsMoustache]

Wait, he ended up eating them? Please tell me that's a typo! Rather a drastic measure, otherwise...

[shakethetree]

'The way women are treated'?

It's abuse of women to think they're a bit better at buying birthday cards? Eh?

My dh would happily buy a birthday card if I asked him, but it wouldn't be to my taste so I've always bought them, it's something I really quite like actually, & yes, I think women are ( in general ) better at it.

[Davsmum]

Why do women take this task on but then moan about it?
If you want to do it, do it! - If you don't, don't!

My DP is really not bothered if he does not send a card to someone. I am bothered,..so I send them.

He sends me cards, and if I am busy he will pick a card up for a relatives birthday but to be honest - his choice of card is crap so I would rather get them myself rather than send one he chooses.

[cheminotte]

I will remind dp of upcoming birthdays etc but its his responsibility to choose, buy and send.
For ds2's recent birthday none of 3 x aunts and 1x uncle sent a card. We were both upset and got our respective mums to complain.

At work I organised a card for birthdays for the men I shared an office with for a year. They appreciated getting a card. But I got nothing on my birthday so didn't bother after that.

[Davsmum]

Why would you get your Mums to complain? A card is not compulsory. People either send them or not. I can't see why you would be upset?