To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

I feel like I've stumbled into the Twilight Zone in this thread. I don't altogether agree about it being generational somedizzy I'm in my late 60s and always paid my share when I was younger.

YABU OP and those who think men should always pick up the tab. Although I do agree there is a difference between actually being invited to dinner and going on a date that just happens to be in a restaurant.

@ Kim147

Why indeed!

It’s not uncommon for a couple to only go on one or two dates before one or the other decides that they don’t want to take things any further. That can work out pretty expensive in the long run for a man, or is he just expected to fork out and take his chances?

What about internet dating, it is not unheard of to have two or three dates with different people in one week, by the standards set out by a few on here that could also work out to be pretty expensive. Even if you are opting to eat in a low to mid-range restaurant that is easily at least £60 a go (well it is for me in London).

Silveroldie2.... I didn't really know if it was a generation thing, I was putting the idea forward to explain the out and out madness being exhibited on this thread!!!

I think it's nice manners for either of you to pick up the whole bill. Splitting does seem a bit strange for early dates. Whenever I've been in a relationship one or the other of us pays, so it roughly evens out, it's rare that we both put in for one meal.

However...
the OP actually offered to pay for the meal by getting her purse out first. He declined by putting his share down on the table.

Perhaps she should have said, no, I've got this?

OP - your actions said either 'I'll pay' or 'let's go halves'. He went with the second, politer, option.

Game playing, offering to pay only because you want them to refuse, but then insisting on paying anyway after their refusal, is pretty sad, to me. You wanted to each both pay half. That's what happened. What are you complaining about? Some people just refuse to get into these games.

Yanbu

You're absolutely right, of course OP - it DOES sound terrible! YABU.

Whenever I see another thread on here with women complaining about sexism, being overlooked for jobs, men being paid more etc, I will think of all those on this thread who expect men to pay and therefore assume that men need the extra cash. Sexism against women furthered by attitudes of women. Nice.

I completely agree Celia.

I'm 43, have been the higher wage earner in a marriage, a dating single mother, all sorts. I would NEVER expect someone to pay for my dinner on a date. I earn my own money. If he had offered to pay, I would have accepted graciously, and offered to pay next time. But I certainly wouldn't see it as my right! FFS.

Whenever I see another thread on here with women complaining about sexism, being overlooked for jobs, men being paid more etc, I will think of all those on this thread who expect men to pay and therefore assume that men need the extra cash. Sexism against women furthered by attitudes of women. Nice.

YES YES YES!!

Its sexist to say that cleaning is a job for a woman, it's sexist to say that card giving is a job for a woman but to say that its the mans responsibilty to pay for a womans meal/drinks on a date? perfectly fine.

I don't think YABU, I never complain about sexism or whinge about equality as I rather like my DH opening car doors, paying for meals etc. Also, I never go to the bar when we are out. I'm happy to always do the ironing/cleaning whilst DH always does the gardening/decorating.

" I never go to the bar when we are out."

Why, are you allergic to it or something or are 'laaaydeees' exempt from such chores?

Hello! 21st century calling!

YABU.

I'm with the OP. He chose the restaurant, the type of date and therefore the price range. You don't make those decisions for someone else if you're not prepared to pay for everything. You never know how much money someone else has.

Also the gender pay gap is STILL a problem. Men and women are doing the same jobs but getting paid unequally. OP probably took time out of the work place to have her DCs too, giving her at least a year of being out of the workforce... And now she has to turn up to a date and be prepared to stump up half of whatever this man whimsically chose?

Well, she doesn't have to turn up on a date and pay half. She could in fact have said ' I'm a bit strapped for cash, lets go for a walk.

No she doesn't have to turn up, but I am saying that I personally think that they should have gone with the expectation of each of them paying for the date they invited the other one on. If he chooses to eat in an expensive restaurant and invites bee to join him, he should be prepared to pay for his preference. If she wants to invite him for pizza and an ice cream, she should be prepared to pay for that.

*her

@ ubiquitousslug

Just out of interest do you take into account regional wage variations as well earning differentials between different professions/industries? You know, female a chartered accountant in London probably earns way more than a male mechanic outside the M25, or do you just expect the bloke to pick up the tab no matter what citing gender pay gap as an excuse?

Strangely, I tended to treat every women I went on a date with as an individual, some earned way way more than me, some the same, some a lot less, in the case of the latter I would I would not expect them to go Dutch in some pricey restaurant, not because they are a women, but because it would not be fair. If they earned the same or more then me I would consider it very entitled to not even offer to go dutch, I guess that makes me tight!

CuChullain at this point they knew so little about each other that they couldn't have taken into context the variations in pay/jobs/regions. In fact, the point is, you don't know. You never know with these things. Hence why you have to take the things you do know - the facts - and work with them. The only mutually shared objective fact in this scenario is the price of the restaurant that HE chose. The only factual part of the date was HIS preference. Therefore, he should have been willing to pay for it!

Christ, there are a lot of Surrendered Pursestrings on this thread.

OP, YABVVVVVU.

Not sexy at all. Would defo put me off...YANBU

Why does paying for your dinner make someone sexy!!

well mummy i find brains, humour and personality sexy. not the size of someones wallet.

God knows.

Was it wrong of me to suggest a meal out as my shout for the 2nd date with OH? I actually said the words, my shout, when I suggested it. I like to be clear up front about these things. I wouldn't hesitate to ask 'your shout?' if asked out and I didn't want to pay a share.

TalisaMaegyr A minority of women on this thread just find that it's all about the cash and how their date can be a financial benefit.

Oh!! and they definitely are displaying sexist attitudes expecting their dates to divvy up and pay for them.