To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

ubiquitousslug I seem to be having a problem finding the post where the op stated the man picked the restaurant, all it does say is that he asked if she fancied dinner next time. I would take that as a suggestion of something to do as opposed to being invited to a fully paid meal but without being there or hearing how things were said we can't judge properly. The op does seem to focus quite heavily on her childcare costs in the op as if they should have had a bearing ie he should pay because she paid the babysitter and if that is the case then it is unreasonable.

@ caruthers

I think you are right.

Reminds of a few of women in my office when I overhear any conversations they have about dates they have been on over the weekend. Generally the chatter is not as to whether or not the man in question was a nice/funny/kind etc person but rather ‘where did he take you’, anywhere expensive is met with gasps of approval, anywhere deemed a bit cheap is met with a sigh and a roll of the eyeballs. Almost as bad as asking ‘what car does he drive’.

After reading this, I feel for men. If they offer to pay all, they offend half of women who think they are controlling and not treating them equally. If they don't offer to pay the whole thing, they are unromantic with bad manners.

Agreed. Their choice shouldn't be held against them. I don't expect guys to pay, and I made sure to only go places I could afford, but it is a very sweet gesture when they do. Paying in and of itself isn't what's romantic, I've had idiots offer to pay and very sweet guys expect to go dutch. It's more the icing on the cake if you're having a good evening that makes it romantic, if that makes sense.

My husband was broke when I first met him and paid for the first two dates before I paid for him a couple times and then we just switched back and forth. We went to cheap restaurants and only had appetizers and desert. Him paying wasn't what made his dates romantic. It was just his overall attitude of holding doors, being respectful, being genuinely interested in me, and him paying was just an extension of his sweetness. We went on a lot of free dates because we were both broke students.

But yes, paying in and of itself shouldn't be seen as romantic. I've bought my friend of both genders birthday lunches and other times coffees when the mood strikes me. I'd laugh if someone tried telling me those were dates.

I do accept that if someone is invited out and it is somehow implied within the (presumably verbal!) invitation that it is the other person's treat, then yes, it would be a bit off putting to suddenly be expected to pay half. But if someone said to me 'do you fancy going out for dinner?' I would never take that to be that sort of invitation. I would only expect them to be footing the bill if they specifically said 'let me take you for dinner' or 'it's my treat'. Any sort of 'lets go for dinner together' invitation, be it a date or meeting a friend, I would assume to be a mutual agreement and therefore a mutual bill payment at the end.

As an aside, I can only assume that I live in a parallel financial universe to a lot of posters, because never in my life have I been in a financial situation where I've been able to afford to treat a friend to dinner, or buy a couple of bottles of wine for colleagues or whatever. I can but dream!

Erm am I having some sort of Life on Mars issue where I'm in a coma and awakened in the 50's!?! I cannot believe some of the attitudes on here! Women have died so we could achieve equality you know!

On the baby sitting thing YABCompletelyU. You made the choice to have kids and you made the choice to date. Your children are nobody's responsibility but your own.

On the man paying thing, I guess it's a matter of how you want the guy to see you. Personally I would want a man to see me as a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself financially and in general and therefore I always pay my own way. I wouldn't want to come across as some sort of delicate flower who needed to be taken care of or as some sort of goldigging bitch and I wouldn't have any respect for a man who wanted to treat me like that.

Up until 10 months ago I was actively dating, I always paid my share. I asked my now bf out first and we each bought a round of drinks I think we set our stall out from there.

When I was single I expected men to pay for me. I didn't have a proper, exclusive boyfriend until I met the man who is now DH.

What I had was a number of casual boyfriends who I'd see every few weeks or so. When they weren't with me, I imagine they were taking out other women. I don't know what their arrangements were with them. That wasn't my concern.

I remember someone saying once it was my round and thinking: 'Okay. But we will never see each other again.' I'm sure I was no loss to him either.

When DH-to-be became a serious prospect he still wouldn't accept any money. That's probably why he became a serious prospect.

When I met someone in a bar though I would never accept a drink unless I knew I wanted to get to know him better because I didn't want them to think they'd bought my time for the price of a gin and tonic.

When I was single I expected men to pay for me

I just find that attitude precious and extremely absurd.

Definitely sexist.

Expecting someone to pay because they have a penis?

How do same sex couples go about thing if that's the criteria?

Two men split the bill but two women leg it out the toilet window?

things not thing :)

limitedperiodonly

I remember someone saying once it was my round and thinking: 'Okay. But we will never see each other again.' I'm sure I was no loss to him either

I would have been fucking mortified! Please tell me he got up and walked out there and then? You must think your conversation is fascinating to think it entitles you to dine out on it.

Oh and IMHO the amount people earn has absolutely nothing to do with it. I earn an average wage in my dating days I went out with a surgeon and a professional sportsman. I payed my way both times.

I don't think you can take your babysitting costs into consideration. But sexist or not it's usual on a first date for the man to pay.

When DH-to-be became a serious prospect he still wouldn't accept any money. That's probably why he became a serious prospect.

you're kidding right?

is that really what love is to you? not letting you open your purse?

My partner became a serious prospect because he made me laugh, he is smart was interested in me as person and not me as a pair of tits and a vag, he listens to me, encourages me to be who i want to be, he made me feel happy/safe/secure. the fact that he occasionally paid for a meal or a trip to the cinema were irrelevant. we would still be were we are today wether he had paid or not.

But I realise things might have moved on since I last dated.

limited

No fucking wonder a lot of men think that women are only interested in money!

My conversation is scintillating everyusernameistaken but I don't think that's the reason the men I went out with were happy to pick up the bill.

Men paid for me because they wanted to. Now I'm much older they probably wouldn't. Or maybe they would, because if I was single these days I'd just have older boyfriends.

I'm just putting in my two penn'orth, not asking anyone here to agree with me.

I got to page 3 and then got the jist that people thought the OP WBU, unfeminist, tight, etc. But in my opinion OP, YANBU

It's a sad state of affairs, but in a Patriarchy where men still earn significantly more than women, they should be expected to fucking cough up. All those bitching "YABU" are letting men have their cake and eat it. FFS.

womblesofwestminster

Thankfully you appear to be in the minority.

Expecting a person to pay for your food and night out because they have a dangler is sexist.

Yup that's right....sexist!

" I never go to the bar when we are out."

When he goes does he order a white wine for the ladies?

womble no, SOME men earn more than SOME women.

SOME, SOME FUCKING SOME!!

go and tell a man working in a call center that he earns more money than a woman brain surgeon.

wombles yes, in some ways the world is still a patriarchal society but exactly how are we putting up a fight by showing men women can still be bought?

treaclesoda You've never, EVER been able to afford £18 for a night out with colleagues, or buying someone lunch? I am pretty brassic most of the time, but even I can splash out occasionally.
I'm not great at saving though, it has to be said!