To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

What alltoomuchrightnow said.

It's depressing to see so many women with shallow and grabby attitudes contributing to this thread.

ChelsyHandy

"Its kind of an exchange of "currency". At least the man is getting something out of it."

I wouldn't say that its an exchange of anything, the woman gets a free meal and the man gets taken for a fool.

If they didn't pay for me didn't see them again Youve reduced yourself to commodity with a price
The minimum price for your company is a meal/drinks.you've set your price
Making it a transaction.man pays,man gets your company.your minimum is a meal

Listen, she doesn't care. She's never going to care. And there are lots of women just like her

And there are many women who wouldn't expect a paid for meal,or reduce self to commodity
Fortunately,expecting a man to pay for a woman isn't universal trait

when i met my now DP for the first date (5 months ago) we went for a coffee which he paid for then we went for a pub meal (cheap and good food) so i insisted on paying my share of this even though i only work part time and couldnt really afford it, thwe next two dates i did the same paid my share, now we are established as a couple one day a week he takes me out for a meal and pays for it and one day a week i cook a nice meal and do a dessert or pay for fish and chips from the chippie as i only see him twice a week, this arrangement means i dont feel guilty because he pays for one and gets my cooking talents (am a chef) for the other

Mutually agreed by negotiation is great
Expectation that a man pay is not great
Depends whether or not one view dating as a way to get free things

I think people are being way harsh on each other here. Of course men shouldn't be expected to pay for all the meal .....

BUT the way that a lot of us have been brought up until recently is to believe that if a man doesn't pay for a woman or open doors for her on a date then he doesn't value her. Of course it's fucked up old fashioned bullshit but that doesn't stop it seeping into our noggins.

Everyone is really confused about what is expected of them too. I remember insisting on paying and being told that I was "one of those", so I tend not to insist now as I don't want to be seen as too strident.

So everyone should just be patient with each other whilst the rules get rewritten.

I'm confused about the idea of the rules being rewritten as though the idea of equality is a recent thing.

I'm in my late 50s and have always believed that in dating the bill gets split equally.

issey I think your relationship sounds lovely.

Nothing shallow or grabby about expecting a guy to pay for first date. When single I would have happily paid for myself and always tried to insist but in the end let him pay as it's just MANNERS and I didn't want to insult him.

Oh behave there arent rules that men pay.there are expectation and strangled etiquette
just because some wimen expect,hope man pays doesnt make it a universal
As i said i pay my way,i dont hope/expect man pay.its really sad women live to this expectation

if I'd based my relationship on my now dhs willingness to pay for me it would have ground to a halt pretty quickly.

Over the years I have seen several friends and colleagues enter into relationships with men who paid for everything, sent bouquets of flowers to work on her birthday, bought expensive jewellery. One of these wonderful generous men was emotionally abusive, one married her (complete with massively expensive engagement ring that she demanded) then left her a couple of years later, and the most attentive of all was actually a man who was married already and lavishing attention on his mistress. So, the 'if he's a nice guy, he'll pay' rings a bit hollow to me. Paying does not indicate niceness. I mean, it might, but it's not exactly a good indicator.

What do you teach your children?

Do you teach your sons to be chivalrous? Do you teach your daughters to pay their way?

Do you give mixed messages? As in, tell your daughters offer to pay your way but judge him if he accepts.
Your sons to pay but judge if she accepts?

"I'm confused about the idea of the rules being rewritten as though the idea of equality is a recent thing."

The idea of equality may have been around for a while but it takes ages to filter through all parts of society and affect the unspoken accepted norms that we live by. Especially when it comes to dating. People are nervous on a first date, worried what their date will think of them so usually plump for the conservative way of doing things.

And besides let's face it there's a lot of people who still don't believe in gender equality.

If he'd said he'd like to take you out for dinner, and chose the restaurant and the wine etc, then YANBU. Same if you offered to take anybody out for dinner.

If you agreed to go for a meal out, YABU.

Why cant you speak up when a man picks wine,are you reduced to coquettish shy giggles?
Why isnt there a shall we have x or y discussion?why man get to chose
Why

I think you're taking the piss.no woman is that stupid

I went to a restaurant with my partner last night, it was quite fancy. The menu I was given had no prices in, but his did. When we queried this we were told that the 'lady' doesn't need to see the prices because the man will pay!!! It's 2014!!!

Coquettish giggles aside, scottishmummy, if the waiter/ress put the wine in front of the man, he tasted it and said "that's fine" without consulting you, would you say something?

That has happened to me all my life, it's always annoyed me, but I've always felt it would be too churlish to say anything. I am obviously a weed!

Boat,we'd have both chosen wine from list.by discussion.not bothered who tastes it
But if i were in situation you describe,the wine choice wouldn't be surprise as we'd both chose
I simply wouldn't wait in a coquettish silence,wondering what he will chose