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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay?

531 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/06/2014 22:17

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 07/06/2014 15:33

limitedperiodonly

"It would be better to direct that question to the men who do it."

Why? surely it is better directed as those that accept it as the norm and think its a "red flag" if the bloke doesn't do it.

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 15:49

It's no one's fault. These are human relationships. No one is holding a gun to anyone's head and you are free to continue a relationship with someone or not. If a man asked me to pay on a date, I would. I probably wouldn't see him again, but then, he probably wouldn't want to see me again either. So there's nothing lost, is there?

And as I said, the power politics of paying or not paying aren't confined to dating.

I am queasy at the posters who said that women who expect men to pay give our sex a bad name. To me, that's not a million miles away from saying 'she deserved it for being pissed in charge of a short skirt because I don't do that.'

I am not a representative of my sex. I am me, with my values. Another woman has her own values. That should never be mixed up.

People are people. If you don't like them, don't see them again.

I don't see why those female posters think it is acceptable for men to think badly of all women, because of the things that I do that they don't approve of.

caruthers · 07/06/2014 15:57

I am queasy at the posters who said that women who expect men to pay give our sex a bad name. To me, that's not a million miles away from saying 'she deserved it for being pissed in charge of a short skirt because I don't do that.'

REALLY ?!?!

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 15:58

Because I've been asked BoneyBackJefferson and I said I liked it and that IME most men were willing to do it.

I can guess why, and imagine you can too - they wanted to be seen with a pretty girl they wanted to have sex with.

But I don't see the point of asking me. Ask them. I imagine they'd say 'I wanted to be seen with a pretty girl and I wanted to have sex with her.'

It would be nice if they added: 'And I really liked her too and that was the price I was willing to pay to keep her.'

I've never asked, but that might be what DH would say more than 20 years later.

But like I said, it's a free country.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/06/2014 15:59

"I probably wouldn't see him again, but then, he probably wouldn't want to see me again either."

A generalisation on your part, I would be more likely to see my date again if she went dutch.

But I probably wouldn't get the chance as like you she may be one of many women who would deem me "tight" and it would be a "red flag".

"I am queasy at the posters who said that women who expect men to pay give our sex a bad name. To me, that's not a million miles away from saying 'she deserved it for being pissed in charge of a short skirt because I don't do that.'" this is your bias and your issue

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 16:04

Yes caruthers, I do really mean that. Why can you not understand?

Btw there was a wider point where I explained that people, in this case women, are not responsible for the actions of other people in the same group.

You'd agree with that, wouldn't you? And you would speak as you find, wouldn't you?

Because not to do that would be like me saying that because some men are rapists, all men are, wouldn't it? And that would be daft, wouldn't it. And offensive.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/06/2014 16:04

"I can guess why, and imagine you can too - they wanted to be seen with a pretty girl they wanted to have sex with."

Really! they have all wanted to have sex with you? None of them wanted a full relationship with you?

"It would be nice if they added: 'And I really liked her too and that was the price I was willing to pay to keep her.'"

So it is now ok for you to be seen/thought of as a possession?

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 16:12

Really! they have all wanted to have sex with you?

I appear to have stumbled into a parallel universe. When you dated what were you looking for that you couldn't find in an evening class?

caruthers · 07/06/2014 16:18

Btw there was a wider point where I explained that people, in this case women, are not responsible for the actions of other people in the same group.

Nobody has mentioned all women have they?

Just the ones who think freeloading is a just cause and a financial benefit to them.

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 16:20

Just don't see them again then, caruthers. I don't understand your problem. In fact the weeding-out process seems simple. What are you frothing about?

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/06/2014 16:22

Are you saying that those that want a full, equal relationship shouldn't go on dates?
That they shouldn't go to restaurants etc. because those that do just want sex?

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 16:30

To me, a full and equal relationship in a dating context involves sex at some point to be mutually determined boneybackjefferson.

Because the money situation aside, discovering that a date didn't want to have sex with me, would be a bit of a deal-breaker.

What do you look for in an ideal date?

Confused
BoneyBackJefferson · 07/06/2014 16:38

To me, a full and equal relationship in a dating context involves sex at some point to be mutually determined

You brought sex up as a reason for paying to date you. not as part of a long term relationship.

As for my ideal date, good company, the ability to converse about subjects, someone who I can be friends with and if possible have a full long term equal relationship.

As the paying for dates is important to you limitedperiodonly How much has the weeding out process cost you?

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 16:40

Just the ones who think freeloading is a just cause and a financial benefit to them

So what do you think should happen to those women caruthers?

kim147 · 07/06/2014 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 16:44

How much has the weeding out process cost you?

I couldn't say BoneyBackJefferson, because I don't keep a spread sheet.

silverhyina · 07/06/2014 16:54

I never understood the misconception men should pay because they're men. Sex is a mutual thing between both people so that has nothing to do with it and men no more want to be seen with women than women want to be seen with men

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 17:03

silverhyina that's coupling, it's not dating. Nothing wrong with it, but they are different things.

caruthers · 07/06/2014 17:16

So what do you think should happen to those women caruthers?

Exactly what happened on this thread.

Get told they are freeloaders and sexist.

Your entitlement knows no bounds.

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 17:22

Well, that's it, then. You get to tell me what you think of me. I take your opinion on board. No harm done. What's the problem?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/06/2014 17:25

Women saying that the one who asks should pay are ignoring the fact that in our culture, it's 95/100 times the man who asks! Even with Internet dating.

caruthers · 07/06/2014 17:27

Well, that's it, then. You get to tell me what you think of me. I take your opinion on board. No harm done. What's the problem?

At least I didn't have to pay for this social intercourse.

limitedperiodonly · 07/06/2014 17:34

It's been a long time since I've done it, but dating is difficult.

For men, there is the fear that women are golddiggers, for women there is the fear that men will judge you for having sex with them too soon.

It's hard for both parties, isn't it? That's the joy and pain of dating.

And caruthers I worked out a long time ago that we were very unlikely to be compatible.

kim147 · 07/06/2014 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChelsyHandy · 07/06/2014 17:45

I don't think theres anything wrong with paying. Its this crass assumption that a man will pay. It just gives me an awful impression of the woman (or man) who thinks like that.

I can guess why, and imagine you can too - they wanted to be seen with a pretty girl they wanted to have sex with.

Well good for you that you found so many men you felt comfortable enough to take you out and pay for dinner. I have to say my feelings and those of most of my friends are that we would be made very uncomfortable by this. I mentioned my friend who was on a low salary, who turned down the offer of paid dinner by the millionaire by telling him she could pay for her own dinner. tbh there are so many much more fun things to do than having dinner with some man you don't have enough mutual liking with in order to get a free night out. It makes sitting in with a readymeal, watching tv, sound far more appealing. But that's just my opinion. You are possibly rather more sociable than me or maybe like men more!

But I can't believe there are women deluded enough to think that there are lots of men out there on internet dating sites (that is the where the OP met this man isn't it?) who are going to be so entranced by them that they will pay for their dinner. I can think of a couple of women like this and they were quite attractive, in an eye-catching, false hair, eyelashes, nails and tan sort of way, and they used to juggle a few men who didn't know about each other. The thing was, none of those men were ones I would have considered going out with. I'm not saying they were scraping the bottom of the barrel, but it was an odd sort of arrangement.

As for whoever asks the other out paying for the date, again no. I always offer to pay half. Out of politeness. And if I suggest to a friend that we go out for dinner, I certainly don't expect to pay for them all!

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