To expect him to pay?

[AtSea1979]

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

emsy

Women are SOMETIMES paid less than men for doing the same work

Im not saying that unequal pay doesn't exist im saying its not as common as suggested on here. people speak as if all employers pay men a higher wage than they would a woman but really in this day and age i think employers/companys like that are the minority not the majority.

and i say this as a woman who has numerous previous jobs under her belt and has always had equal pay to the men in the same position.

Load of crap this.

'If he's a nice guy he will pay'
Erm what?

Talk about outdated sexist views. 'If she's a nice woman she'll cook and clean for you'. That isn't acceptable is it?

pinealike I didn't say it didnt exist. I said for most people it doesn't exist. The public sector for example. We get paid a salary for that job. It doesn't matter if it's male or female. Lots of private sector is like that too. As I said it will be the higher earners in the private sector it affects.

Also, so what if a man earns more than his date. My husband earns more than me because he does a different job. A female friend who does the same job as him earns exactly the same as him. I work in a job where there is roughly a 50/50 gender split. We are all on the same salary scale.

'Obviously if I am out with friends or colleagues we take turns going to the bar, if it's a couples night out then yes, the men go, by choice.'

I like to take my turn buying rounds when we are with other couples because, well, I take my turn buying rounds regardless of who I'm with. A lot of other women don't seem to. Which means me and OH end up buying twice as many drinks for other couples than they buy for us.

Or I have to give in to this crap and sit there letting the 'men' take care of all us 'little ladies' who aren't capable of going to a bar and ordering a sodding drink for reasons I can't fathom. So maybe those couples who you think are doing it by 'choice', really aren't, they are just going along with it otherwise they are being ripped off by the 'but I'm a laaaaady' couples. And they are sitting there thinking, like I do, 'for once in your lifetime get your money out and buy a drink you tight cow'.

People who duck out of buying their round boil my piss.

FYI I mean't couples like Dbil and Pils, we would never shirk on buying a round. DH's single friend is sometimes out with us so we buy two rounds to his one. Also we are always happy to split a food bill equally even if we have eaten/drank much less than other people who get their phones out to add up exactly what they have spent which really pisses me off in our group so not ducking out of paying, or being tight.

OK, I guess if everyone's happy and it's not a universal rule you apply

I think it pees me off so much as I see the link back to the times when 'nice' women didn't go to pubs, and any woman seen at a bar was assumed to be a prostitute looking for a client. The idea that it's not acceptable for a woman to go and buy drinks at a bar does come from that, even with people with that attitude don't realise it. It's a form of control on women's behaviour, a division between women who are 'nice' and 'not nice'. Madonna/whore thing. Of course I'm not suggesting that people like your FIL, MIL, DH etc who don't like women going to the bar literally think those who do are prostitutes, but there is still an underlying belief about it being inappropriate or unladylike or 'not what nice women do'. I don't like being shoved into a role/viewpoint that comes from 1950 and is offensive.

I see it more as me being lazy than lady . I do know what you mean though. My DM was young and DF much older with a completely different view on how women should act. I wasn't allowed to wear ankle chains as a teen due to the prostitute link.

@somedizzywhore1804

I found online dating a challenge, getting that first date wasn't the problem, on the date you would both chat, we'd appear to have similar interests. They would not have like one drink or get their mate to phone because the "cats stuck in the toaster" etc but take turns buying rounds till closing.

(So the buying or rounds could have been some red flag)

The next hurdle is how long to leave it to contact them which appears also to be some sort of red flag, some do reply about meeting up again (thanks but no thanks etc which is fine), others didn't reply at all, which you just end up accepting in the end.

I got a few second dates but, one of these lead to a RL for a year.

In the end met DW through chatting to her at her retail shop, then bumping into each other in pubs in evening and her facebook 'stalk' me.

DW told me of colleagues who specifically would go out with no (just taxi) money and blag drinks all night, and these weren't young people.

This all leads to a minefield for men!

I think whoever invites the other person out should pay, but in your case it seems like the expected behaviour will be to go Dutch everytime. No big deal.

if you invite you pay male or female you still pay

I prefer to split bills and not be under any obligation. I hate being treated like the "little woman". If you can't afford to go out for a meal stick with drinks. Why should having a Y chromosome mean you're expected to pay?
Your kids aren't his problem at the moment.

Some women on here make me feel ashamed. No wonder there's stereotypes!

'Now I ain't saying she's a gold digga, but she ain't messing with no bro'

That's EXACTLY how you sound. Can't buy a meal for yourselves cheap ass women shouldn't go on dates.

I don't have time to read seven pages, but your children are not a responsibility of his. You pay the babysitter so you can go out, it's that simple. he is probably oblivious to that, it's nothing to do with him. If you can't afford what you're doing, tell him. Go for a happy meal or a coffee at Costa instead. But don't ask another adult, a near stranger, to subsidize your social life.

I do absolutely think that when people are in the early stages of dating they should pay for themselves, or at least 'You buy the cinema tickets, I'll buy the drinks and popcorn.' Once in a serious relationship then if one person earns significantly more than the other it's not unreasonable that they take on the greater share of spending, especially if they have higher expectations when it comes to restaurants, holidays, etc.

*OP disregard my comment if you have already sen the light somewhere in these seven pages!

I don't think the pay gap is there in the majority of jobs.

Source?

And what about women still doing the lions share of childcare and thus on lower wages because of that?

You know, I think that is ok for women to expect to pay less or nothing at dates, at the end of the day it is universally accepted that we should receive a lower pay working as hard as a man.

I don't know how old you are but after years of dates (if we can call "date" having a coffee and a conversation with a man downloaded from a dating site) I have learned one thing, a man who wants to go Dutch in the first date is going to be a miserable tight git when he feels more comfortable in the relationship.

I always offer to pay, but if the relationship is proportionally more expensive to me than to him, I just forget about it. I already have enough expenses to cover to consider investing whatever the babysitting costs in making myself available to a man that is nit picking.

BUT AND THIS IS A BIG BUT: if the guy is in a more disadvantaged financial position than I am, I wouldn't allow him to pay in full unless we were just having only a coffee. In that case we go Dutch, go to less expensive places or we take turns.

meMyselfandI

It is amusing that you wouldn't expect him to "pay in full" but at no point would you actually pay the full amount unless you are getting something back.

And yes, your children are not his responsibility, but you come in a package and if he can't see that you have more financial commitments than he does (if that is the case), that doesn't look very promising.

Didn't I mention taking turns? I thought I did.

yes you did. and I said unless you are getting something back, which in this case only works if you are going out on multiple dates.

As for the package deal, for the first couple or more dates you are not an item, you are not in a relationship and your children are not as yet anything to do with him.

Unless you have looked in to his money situation you won't know what his financial situation is.

You do sound like you looking at him/your date as a money source.

As a Man it's fantastic to see so many women who are not outdated and not take the man paying as a given.

The posters who staunchly support the tradition do sound like they are firstly eyeing up what they are going to get out of it economically which is very very precious at best.

The attitudes of some on this thread are fucking bullshit.
Paying for someone isn't the same as romance. Why the fuck are you women so special that a man should stump up for the pleasure of your company? Bollocks.
If someone invites me to dinner to a place that's out of my budget I'm quite happy to say so and suggest somewhere cheaper. If they then insisted that they wanted to go to fancy place and offered to pay for me, I may take them up on it, though I'd still contribute to the bill.
I'd accept a meal out from my parents, good friends if it was my birthday, or a long term, established partner. A random guy I'm just in the process of getting to know? No bloody way. It's not fair on men and it's just nasty, freeloading, tacky behaviour.

If I was asked out I would like a man to pay. It's like a nice treat. He invites, he pays. If I accepted, I would only do so if I had the means to pay myself. I would offer. Conversely if I asked someone on a date, follow up or otherwise, I would pay for it. I would also not even think about the babysitter. In fact, I still pay for the sitter now. Only one occasion when DP wanted to stay out all night did he pay. And once gave me £30 to pay so we didn't have to find an ATM. But he always pays for dinner save for exceptional circs. I love him so!

Why the fuck are you women so special that a man should stump up for the pleasure of your company?

It would be better to direct that question to the men who do it.

Ahhh so it's the mans fault that you want him to pay and that he is cheap if he doesn't?

The entitlement is astounding.