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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay?

531 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/06/2014 22:17

This is going to sound terrible I know but for some reason I feel it.
Went on first date with a guy last week, paid £20 babysitter, and met him for drinks, we both bought a round.
He told me he had a lovely time and would I like to go out for dinner next week, I said yes.
Tonight, I paid babysitter another £20, and went out for meal, when bill came I got my purse out to pay (total £55) my half but then he put £30 down and I was surprised he didn't tell me to put my purse away. Even though I would have said no and paid half I still feel like he should have paid the full.
I know they are my kids and my responsibility but I still wonder whether I want to date someone again who is so tight.
AIB completely U? (and date I say, sexist?) Or would others feel similar?

OP posts:
TurtleyAmazing · 05/06/2014 16:46

treacle i often treat my friend to a meal. it has to be from the 2for10 menu though Wink

limitedperiodonly · 05/06/2014 16:48

turtley well-spotted. That was a joke. I just didn't want to telegraph it. But to be serious, I find a willingness to pick up the bill attractive while also realising that it's a method of control.

That's not just in romantic situations. It can also be a method of control in a business situation. Conversely, being stuck with the bill can also be a method of control. Insisting on paying your way is another one.

I've done them all.

It's interesting.

limitedperiodonly · 05/06/2014 16:50

Or people just want to treat you for no gain. I've had that happen and done it too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/06/2014 16:50

I think much of the female posturing about 'wanting to have dinner paid for' is some kind of demonstration of how attractive and how much the man values them. That's really sad.

As a previous poster said, many of the 'after date' conversations with girlfriends afterwards seem to be about where they were taken with a view of 'gauging' the man's interest. It's a measure for some women to benchmark themselves against each other.

I would be thoroughly disappointed in my daughter if she picked up this kind of 'ethos'; it's so damaging and demeaning to women.

TurtleyAmazing · 05/06/2014 16:50

limited okay, well im glad that was a joke as it was a bit Hmm with a side of Shock

SuperFlyHigh · 05/06/2014 16:51

DuckandCat - if a man asks me on a date then he pays, if he's a romantic prospect.

if it's a male friend no he doesn't pay, unless he wants to...

ChelsyHandy · 05/06/2014 16:54

LimitedPeriodOnly When I was single I expected men to pay for me. I didn't have a proper, exclusive boyfriend until I met the man who is now DH. What I had was a number of casual boyfriends who I'd see every few weeks or so. When they weren't with me, I imagine they were taking out other women. I don't know what their arrangements were with them. That wasn't my concern

I would find that really difficult - going out with men I wasn't concerned with and them paying for me. I would so much rather go out with friends. And whats in it for the man? Are you real arm candy or is your conversation so sparkingly interesting that they pay to be in your company, despite them not being your boyfriend?

As a contrast, work colleague was asked out by older man in the pub last week. He was boasting to her that he had sold his company for over a million. She was edging away as he asked her out for dinner, and she declined. He then said "but I'll pay, it won't cost you anything" and she said "Do you really think I can't afford to pay for my own dinner" and escaped.

Difference being, she might be on a low salary now, but if she works hard she will in a few years time earn quite a lot of her own money. Which I think leads to the difference in attitude.

Its a wonderful freedom to be able to date men you fancy and actually find attractive, as opposed to scratching around for a free meal ticket.

ChelsyHandy · 05/06/2014 16:56

Oh it was a joke LimitedPeriod thank goodness! I had this awful vision of you sitting bored in front of a boring man trying to eat as much as possible to make the use of your free meal!

PrincessBabyCat · 05/06/2014 16:56

But to be serious, I find a willingness to pick up the bill attractive while also realising that it's a method of control.

What? How so?

I've insisted on paying for friend's birthday lunches and I've never felt controlling of them or tried telling them what to do. My husband has no controlling bone in his body and he picked up the tab. If someone is being controlling with their money, there's more problems than just a food tab.

Business lunches here are a business expense (unless it's a small company) so no one is personally picking up the tab. But even so, buying a lunch doesn't seal a deal or give you the upper hand either.

limitedperiodonly · 05/06/2014 17:04

Where did I say I went out with boring men I didn't fancy?

ChelsyHandy · 05/06/2014 17:09

You didn't Limited its simply that common sense implies that there are a limited number of people you can find attractive, and dating huge numbers of them at the same times gives the impression (a) you aren't very discerning or (b) are the most beautiful woman on earth fending them off. Since (b) seems less likely than (a) logic dictates the first. Do correct me if I'm wrong, but honestly what is in that sort of scenario for a man?

I often go out for lunch with male friends. They do in fact try all mannerisms of paying and sometimes succeed. I don't tend to go out for dinner with a wide variety of different men, as its too intimate. I would have said I'm relatively "normal" (as far as normal goes), so is this going out with lots of different men and getting free dinners something people actually do? Most women I know struggle to get one date with a non-creep, so I do find it odd.

I can actually imagine Angelina Jolie doing lots of dinners with lots of different men, but even she I suspect finds other, more interesting things to do.

ChelsyHandy · 05/06/2014 17:13

Or are you in New York?

limitedperiodonly · 05/06/2014 17:27

ChelsyHandy You seem to be getting hung up on free dinners. It's not about that. I can pay for my own food and drink and frequently did.

In my 20s I was extremely gorgeous. I also had quite a good line in conversation and was very discerning about the people I did and did not want to know and the things I did and did not want to do, both personally and professionally.

Looking back, I realise I wasn't as aware of my capital as I could have been. That's in terms of dating and also professional matters, but I can't go back.

My line in conversation has got better as my jawline has sagged btw. It's the pay-off for getting older.

caruthers · 05/06/2014 17:28

And the motto of the story is that pretty people eat better than ugly people.

kim147 · 05/06/2014 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessBabyCat · 05/06/2014 17:34

I would have said I'm relatively "normal" (as far as normal goes), so is this going out with lots of different men and getting free dinners something people actually do? Most women I know struggle to get one date with a non-creep, so I do find it odd.

I had no trouble finding a date, and I'm pretty average looking. Getting a date is easy, it's find a boyfriend that's hard. I had to wade through a bunch of creeps to find the nice guys, and then with the nice guys I had to wade through those to find a guy that I was compatible with. In the end I ended up with DH who was a friend the whole time after I told him I was done with the dating scene.

But I didn't expect them to pay either, and for the most part didn't let them if I thought they had ulterior motives. I was just on the hunt for a boyfriend.

NoodleOodle · 05/06/2014 17:36

If someone offers to take me out for a romantic date, then I would expect them to be expecting to pay. If I were going out for a meal with someone, I would expect to pay my own way, or if I had invited them as a treat I would expect to pay for us both myself.

ChelsyHandy · 05/06/2014 17:44

NoodleOne would you expect a romantic dinner on the second date though? I would still be at the getting to know stage. I know everyone's different, but laying it on thick with the romance on the second date would scare me a bit.

LimitedPeriod I just couldn't have been bothered in my twenties! Too many other fun things to do. But then I met all the boyfriends I've had through mutual hobbies, so we kind of knew each other before we dated.

Maybe internet dating goes differently though?

tbh I struggle to remember who paid on dates. Its not that important to me. The fact that its so important to the OP suggests that money being spent on her by a man is the most important thing she looks for. For me, its physical appearance and common interests and similar ambitions/motivation.

I do tend to judge women who date for money/free meals and expect men to pay for anything, and if they're not super-attractive with amazing figures I'm really horrible and think inwardly to themselves that the man hasn't done very well for himself. Not that I think it should be an exchange like that anyway, but I do often wonder what the man gets out of it. I don't admire these sort of women.

limitedperiodonly · 05/06/2014 17:53

chelsyhandy I'm not asking you to admire me. OP asked, I answered. I'm happy with the way I've lived my life, you're happy with the way you've live yours.

treaclesoda · 05/06/2014 18:29

ifnotnow , I could spend £18 easily enough, I'm not that skint, but that wouldn't buy a couple of bottles of wine, or dinner for me and someone else. So, no, honestly, I just have never been able to afford it.

I've bought friends coffees and cakes, and I've brought flowers, chocolates, wine etc when I go to visit people, I'm generous with my time, I cook for people, I bake for people. But I've never been in the position of being able to throw £50 or £60 about for a night out, and its a shame to think that people must judge me as being tightfisted because I'm trying to live within my means.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/06/2014 19:12

limitedperiodonly

"Men paid for me because they wanted to."

And you know this because?

limitedperiodonly · 05/06/2014 19:24

BoneyBackJefferson Because they did.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/06/2014 19:49

Another lesson to teach DS, if she doesn't offer to pay half run.

Romance has nothing to do with a mans wallet and so very sexist to believe that men only should pay for dates or be judged. So he would be tight yet not expecting to pay isn't?

MistressDeeCee · 05/06/2014 20:06

If Im asked out on a date then yes, I expect the man to pay. I like the traditional way of doing things and have no point to make about paying my way. If I ask him, I will pay. & if things progress after that then it all balances out over time, anyway. Ive never dated a man who has expected me to pay on the 1st date/asked me to go halves

Jayne35 · 05/06/2014 20:21

Not sure why a couple of posters have commented sarcastically re me not going to the bar, this is a little old fashioned but it's how my DH was taught by his parents, his Mum doesn't go to the bar either. And white wine.....no thank you, pint of lager is much more my thing Smile