to ask why if you disapprove of porn

[katekong]

Besides the moral implications that many people in the porn industry are used/scared/mistreated/on drugs. If you disapprove of porn in a relationship, why so?

I'm on my third long-term relationship where I've discovered that my dp has a secret prolific porn habit. I've said at the beginning of each relationship that porn is ok as long as everyone's open and honest. Yet all three have kept it secret which makes it wrong and seedy in my opinion. Iccan't describe why it feels so wrong succinctly, so was hoping others could help me to articulate my feelings. If you disapprove of its use (separately) in relationships, why so? If not, why not?

ChocolateWombat Would it trouble you if he had used it previously, before knowing you, and given it up?

The thing I find troubling about the "consenting adults" argument about the actors in porn scenes (and this occurred to me after watching the "Date My Porn Star" documentary) is that, while the woman may consent in principle to what she is involved in, what happens if she wants to withdraw her consent at any point? Realistically, I imagine it is very unlikely that if she's been hired to do a job but changes her mind before she starts, or even part way through, she would feel able to express that and everyone would be quite happy to pack up and go home, especially if it's something like a live web-cam shoot.

I would prefer it if he hadn't, but the past is the past.

I guess if someone previously used it, they may feel tempted to go back to it, but I think honesty about my feelings and encouragement of him to be honest (no good giving them a sense of condemnation which prevents them feeli g they can be honest) would be important. It's about havi g the same values and movi g forward together.

If I could ask everyone to do one thing before discussing porn, it would be to watch the documentary "Hardcore" (freely available on the internet).

What would be the one documentary or article or similar recommended by those who are pro-porn?

For a pro porn stance look up Nina Hartley, she's about the only one whose stance I can take in good grace and she's one of the few who have emerged from the porn industry relatively unscathed.

I would not recommend Hardcore, there are dubious consent issues surrounding a scene that the director filmed of what amounted to rape of his subject, and he didn't put down the camera or interfere in any way. Very dodgy.

I would recommend Inside Deep Throat and The Search for Animal Farm. Netflix also has Life after Porn, which is lighthearted by comparison but also deeply depressing.

ChocolateWombat I only ask because after buying "girlie mags" in the sixth form during my gap year I just decided that there were better things to do with money, it wasn't the road to Damascus, I just changed my choices, and I can imagine that a lot of today's porn-buyers will do the same.

I agree with lots of the rest of the posters who don't mind erotica but dislike porn due to the 'porn industry'.

'Normal' porn mags are infinitely better than the disgusting stuff on the internet. The ease of accessing online porn is really scarey.

I also find porn really seedy and tacky.

For those of you who see porn as fine within relationships, explain this to me. If your partner got into a situation where a woman masturbated in front of him or he watched a couple having sex and he, either then or at a later time, pleasured himself over it - would you not consider that to be infidelity? Why is watching it on a screen, where he's actively sought it out, any better?

I said in my post that we didn't use porn in our relationship, we don't need to, although DP knows about my stash from a previous life.

The reason I had it though was like another poster, because I had a high sex drive and I was single for a long time.

To be honest though when I say porn, I actually mean erotic literature. Although I do have a couple of DVD's that are directed by women and s basically raunchy and rather soft core.

I don't go online and I've not watched hardcore because I don't want to, and I don't need to.

But I don't use it now with DP as simply no need too, although occasionally I read erotic literature and usually tell DP about it because we don't have secrets

Having the screen between the sex act being performed and the person masturbating to it is to enter into a dissociative state, the performers don't quite feel like real people and the acts themselves are designed to arouse by the way they're filmed, so no, I wouldn't consider it cheating.

On the flip side, a couple I knew as a teen once had sex right in front of me when I was drunk. I didn't find it arousing in the slightest, just quite traumatic.

I find lads mags a really worrying thing actually. Not to play down the porn industry which has very obvious flaws, but lads mags are the acceptable face (or boobs) of the industry. They are very much in our day to day lives, supermarket, corner shop, petrol station etc. They show a very narrow definition of beauty and what is seen as a socially acceptable way to look or groom yourself as a young woman. They also put women into really ridiculous stereotypes (sexy schoolgirl, kinky teacher, mechanic with her boobs out) which can be really damaging.

The most worrying thing about them is their widespread availability. I know of parents who have bought these mags for their sons. These magazines show sex or sexiness solely from the male perspective, and the only role of women is to look good and show flesh. There's absolutely no enjoyment expected from a heterosexual female perspective when reading these magazines.

Thankfully there are great men out there who aren't sexist and wouldn't see these images and let them cloud their judgement of women, but there are sexist men out there. When they are further exposed in such an accessible way to a one dimensional view of a female, it only serves to increase the likelihood that of their sexist beliefs being entrenched.

I couldn't get turned on by something I find so utterly depressing, that celebrates hating women.

well said sandor. Getting kicks out of the abuse and degradation of trafficked Easter European teens is, indeed, utterly depressing.

*Eastern European.

expat

I completely disapprove of it. Normalises violence and abuse

Short, sharp and straight to point. I agree.

I have seen very little porn. Aside from the points above,it's so ugly. A close-up of an engorged penis, or even worse an ejaculating penis, or a close up of vulva really isn't anything I want to look at.

Really shocked at these so-called sophisticats that defend porn. So sophisticated that they have managed to go all these years without knowing about the abuse in the porn and prostitution industry.

Here is Mexico it is well documented how vulnerable young girls are courted by boyfriends who then turn out to be pimps who eventually sell them into the prostitution, sometimes ending up in other countries.

IMHO, I have no respect for anyone who could be insensitive to the tremendous misery involved in the commercialisation of sex.

Ok, so Princess Teacake, say he stopped and waited in the bushes at a local 'lovers lane' and masturbated over people getting it on. The other party isn't aware he's there, so does that his behaviour ok?

I feel sick at the thought he has 4 daughters yet is happy to see women treated like this.

I once read a great comment which really summed it up for me. Treat porn in the same way as you treat supermarket chicken. If you don't know the source, don't consume it and ensure that appropriate ethical standards are observed before you do consume.

I don't have a massive problem with erotic films, pictures, etc, but I do have a MASSIVE problem with exploitation and abuse. And there is no way of telling if the porn you see is the result of consenting adults in an educated and healthy working environment or an horrific abusive environment. The level of self harm and suicide as well as history of sexual violence etc is a clear indicator that it is not a psychologically healthy industry. For that reason, I wouldn't touch porn and a porn habit would be a relationship dealbreaker.

I give this some thought, my DS is 11 so this is an incoming problem.

KateKong, that's a consent issue, the people in the car likely don't know he's there (unless it's a dogging site, which you didn't specify) so not only is it cheating by involving real people he could interact with, it's morally despicable.

Erotica, when done well, can be very helpful to a relationship. It can introduce you to kinks and fetishes you wouldn't have been aware of before and make sex with a long term partner more exciting. It can help abuse survivors reclaim their bodies in pleasure (it was a biiiig part of my aversion therapy).

There's a saying they use to make people think before they get into anything sexually: Safe, Sane and Consensual. If it's missing one of the three, don't do it. Porn is frequently missing all of them.

I'm curious did anyone watch the documentary called date my porn star that another poster linked to up thread?

I would like to credit anyone I were in a relationship with enough intelligence to know that what they see in porn is fantasy. From the porn I've watched and heard about, there isn't any porn that accurately represents female physical arousal- the women I see tend to be in pain. I don't consider it cheating for a partner to use porn without me, as I view it as fantasy.

I couldn't bear to watch it.

I watched it and felt sick. I'm glad i did watch it though as it gave me a look 'behind the scenes' i would for sure advise any person male or female who watches porn to watch that documentary.

I know my boyfriend watches it, I guess on a very regular basis. Do I hate it? Well yes I do as it goes.

It's ruining what little relationship we have left. I am no longer enough. He has stopped having sex with me now. The last few times he was flipping me over at odd angles, in total silence and there was no affection there, his eyes were dead. He has now started saying I will never feel as good as his hand does. I find it demoralising that the girls on the screen have won.

At my lowest point ever now. He told me on Valentine's day he was no longer in love with me but next morning announced it was worth us trying to fix it. I don't think I can. I feel unattractive, unsexy and a failure.

I know. I should leave. I'm just gathering the courage. My self esteem is so battered I've lost myself a little. I will never look like those women, I'm just me. Even when he sees pretty women on the street his comments are lewd and disrespectful. His whole personality has changed. I could cry. Do I blame porn?

I do. But I blame him more.

Cominthru

I hope you can move on and remember it's him, not you, he is an addict. In a way you have lost him and you will need time to grieve.