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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:
SelectAUserName · 03/06/2014 17:28

But the OP has been invited to the 'all day' bit, so the B&G would like her there for the important bit, the bit at which her DH (who, admittedly she doesn't seem to like very much right now) is also going to be involved. And there is no valid reason why she can't go, other than she wants to make a point to her DH/is miffed about her DS's non-invitation and the waste of the suit money/wants to make a stand about child-free weddings/has realised there's a J in the month.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 17:28

Oh I don't like being seated with strangers, or money poems. But I had a child free wedding! Shock

BauerTime · 03/06/2014 17:30

First of all she isn't an evening guest, she is a full day guest. I can see no scenario where, unless completely unavoidable, it is not incredibly rude to miss the marriage ceremony but then rock up to be fed and watered.

OP has childcare options but instead of using them she wants to pick and choose which bits she attends to suit her. Id tell her she was RUDE in a shouty voice if it was my wedding.

SelectAUserName · 03/06/2014 17:30

I did too Pobble. But to be fair we only had 10 guests in total and no evening reception. The budget for our wedding made shoestrings look lavish Grin

jellybeans · 03/06/2014 17:32

Is it local? I turned down a family invite that expected us to be child free and travel many hours just for evening disco! Hmmm. I sent DH and stayed home.

However I have been to many local ones without DC, both full day and just evenings.

It's simple really it's just an invite. If you don't fancy it don't go. Especially if it is DH's friend.

I do find child free weddings dull and a bit stale.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 17:33

First of all she isn't an evening guest, she is a full day guest

Well yes, until 3 weeks before the wedding when the B&G told her that it was a childfree ceremony. At which point the OP can politely decline the full day, due to the change in circumstances of the wedding.

It's only her husband kicking off at this point.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 17:36

The easiest solution all round which is not involving the MIL keeping the son overnight or getting ready and going to the wedding herself ( which imo is just silly) is for MIL to babysit whilst op and DH attend the ceremony. DS is then taken to the nightime do where he stays till he falls asleep in buggy and op and dh leave together at end with ds or if ds won't settle op takes him home leaving DH (best man) at ceremony for the remainder of the evening and will come home when do is over. I'm sure other people will struggle to get their kids watched all day so quite a few will go to the evening do anyway. I don't see why dh as best man should be made to go home early and is quite rude towards Big who have asked him to be.

grumpasaur · 03/06/2014 17:37

To me, the title says it all. Op is put out because her PFB isn't invited, so she's using every plausible excuse in the book to justify throwing her toys out of the pram. Essentially, the problem is "if my sweet amazing perfectly behaved son can't go, I am not going either".

To be fair, op, you sound a right pain and a misery guts. Your husband will probably have more fun without you.

Ohh- or maybe the bride and groom knew you would throw a strop if your DS wasn't invited, so they uninvited him hoping that you wouldn't come either. Win win!

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 17:38
  • and is quite rude towards B&G who have asked him to be best man.
BauerTime · 03/06/2014 17:40

LtEve

Either DS's name wasn't on the invite at all (so shouldn't assume he was invited to any of it) or it said on the invite which bits children were invited to. Therefore arrangements should have been made accordingly.

If DS wasn't named on invite and no child info on there either, then they should have checked sooner as to whether DS was invited.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 17:44

OP had conversations with the B&G which she talked quite openly about her DS being there, buying the suit and so on. Bad manners of the B&G not to say something the .

magentastardust · 03/06/2014 17:49

This changes the situation then surely if it is only the ceremony.

1-Why are you upset then? -your ds is invited to the wedding just not the ceremony -you will have him with you the rest of the day/night if you so wish ?

  1. You were upset because you forked out for an expensive outfit for your baby-that's fair enough but he can still wear it and it won't be a waste if he is still going to the bulk of a wedding and only missing a 45 min section of it. If someone is looking after him for only the ceremony and it is purely just to stop children making a noise in the church then he can still be in photo's etc he just needs to miss the service.
  1. In that case MIL can come with you and stays outside church, takes ds for a walk during the ceremony. MIL isn't invited to the Church you say -but that is a good thing then she wont miss the service and you wont be putting her out by her looking after your DS.

I see you say it isn't local -but how far away is the church -can MIL drive/bus for an hour or so just to look after your ds during the ceremony.

It just seems that the reasons you were upset at the beginning of the thread don't really tally with him only being asked to not be in the church ceremony.

If you don't want to drag MIL out-just you miss the ceremony and wait outside with your little boy and if your DH is having a rant about it ask him to sort it out a solution then.

You said earlier MIL was invited to the evening reception -could she look after DS for wedding and then take him along when she arrives for evening reception then you and DH either care for him at wedding or you take him home then and leave DH at wedding on this occasion (as he is Best man)

I think there are a few ways to work around it -it is never ideal when children and childcare are involved but it looks like you do have a couple of options.

KatieKaye · 03/06/2014 17:50

Bad manners to assume DS was invited and very embarrassing for bride and groom who then had to go away and think how they were going to break it that DS had never been invited to the ceremony .

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/06/2014 17:52

If I were the B&G I'd be changing their mind and inviting your DH and your child and asking YOU to stay at home, OP. I think you're coming across as much more of a pain in the ass than any child at a wedding might be

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 17:55

To be honest I think you were a bit silly to buy an expensive outfit for DS that he'll probably only wear once and grow out of next month.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 18:11

Thank you everyone for your responses I'm sure we will find a solution, to be honest my dh hasn't kicked off as much as some of the posters, but for all the helpful replies offering ways round it thanx very much, I have definitely took these onboard.

OP posts:
twizzleship · 03/06/2014 18:12

Heehiles: "A caller phoned in and made a really interesting point about where society is failing our children and how we are pushing them out - One example she gave was how children are banned from family events - i.e Weddings from an early age our children are marginalised, excluded and the long term effects of this eventually leads to children looking for a place where they are part of a 'family' "

errrr....absolute bollocks in my opinion! Kids joining gangs and taking a destructive path in life is down to the lack of decent parenting they received from their parents, the lack of positive role models, the lack of discipline etc etc etc....it has absolutely bugger all to do with not being invited to weddings - that caller sounds like they were just making excuses for their own bad parenting and trying to pass off the responsibility of bringing up their child onto the rest of society. i mean....surely the parent/s are capable of arranging 'family events/days out' themselves instead of expecting everyone else to do it?

FatalCabbage · 03/06/2014 18:16

I assume they thought he'd be in the suit at the evening do.

Thumbwitch · 03/06/2014 18:16

I agree twizzle - it's the lack of discipline that often causes child-exclusion from weddings in the first place, and it's not that much of a jump to work out that lack of discipline in small children is going to lead to undisciplined bigger children thinking they can do what they like, when they like and no one can tell them what to do.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 18:21
  • and is quite rude towards B&G who have asked him to be best man.
twizzleship · 03/06/2014 18:31

LizLimone: "It sounds awful to me, just selfish and indulgent. Weddings are family events and children are part of the family like everyone else, not lepers."

weddings/marriage and children are not mutually exclusive! A wedding is a private function paid for by the individuals involved - there is no dictat to state that children must definitely be a part of it-either on the day or later on in marriage. You could apply the 'selfish' and 'indulgent' attitude to parents who think that people should centre their own personal plans for their life around other peoples children. Our society is already very child-centric and it is incredibly selfish, irresponsible and unreasonable to expect every individual to make allowances for children during their own private/personal celebration.

an invite is exactly that - an invite. it isn't a court order or dictat stating the invitee has to be there sans child...

Catsize · 03/06/2014 18:36

He is not invited.
They do not want him there.
They do not want him in their sight.
They certainly do not want him in their photos.
Simples.
Why is this so hard to grasp?

Thumbwitch · 03/06/2014 18:41

I really don't get why people are so insistent that weddings are family events. I know several people who just went off for the weekend, got married with 2 witnesses and that was it. Families not included.
A wedding is about 2 people committing to each other - and that's it. This whole "joining of two families" stuff is so outdated.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 03/06/2014 18:47

Weddings are family events

Not to me. DH and I got married on a beach, alone. Now that may sound really sad to some people, but it was perfect for us. We didn't want to involve our families for the ceremony. We had a little party when we came home, and that was a family event.

Four4me · 03/06/2014 18:48

Please OP ask mil to have DS the whole day/night go to the wedding with dh and enjoy his glory as best man, an undisturbed meal with adult company and dance the night away! The next morning lavish mil with flowers and complaints of how much you appreciate her.
You won't regret it and DS and mil combo will have a blast.
From someone who ten years ago stressed about and finally left my saint-like mil with two A4 sides of instructions decribing how to care for our pfb!!! now with 4 dc I pack and deliver them with any willing volunteer for the prospect of a good old child-free wedding ??