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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:
rideyourbike · 03/06/2014 16:44

I had a friend who was very upset with me for a long time because we didn't go to her wedding. No children allowed, and venue over 250 miles away!

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 03/06/2014 16:45

This thread seems to have got very out of hand [shocked]

Please ask your MIL what she is prepared to do. It is great that you are thinking about her, but maybe it is a little patronising to assume as to what it is that she can and can't do.

It is just one day and so think that maybe saying certain things in your OP such as if my dad can't come then I won't be was wrong.

You obviously have issues around your DH social life but you are really focusing on the wrong fight with regards to the wedding. There is no rule that says you must leave together. Personally I would let him stay out this time even if I left early.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 16:49

Yesjacksthat's what I want to do really! Show my baby off, because that's what all hard working, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, struggling to keep household and work and baby juggling mums really want to do, show their baby off at someone else's wedding,

So dont go, leave ds with MIL as planned for the day, wave DH off to the wedding and do something for yourself, catch up on sleep then have a relaximg day out with your girlfriends then pick ds up at bedtime

Probably less stressful than the wedding

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 16:50

It does add up but you have tried to make out there is some sort of conspiracy theory to it! They've said no babies / children at the ceremony, something to do with not wanting to ruin the video. Hence why I said I could go in then out when necessary but obviously that's not good protocol apparently. Mil is not invited to the church so I can't really say you come but sit outside with ds whilst we are in the church, then bring him to me when we are done, it's not local so she couldn't go home with him for an hour then come back. And yes tbh I could take him to the reception part in the suit just seems abit of a wast of money for an hour or two of wearing but that's my bad, maybe I shouldn't have got it too soon but the suit really isn't my real problem and I really do want to attend I don't want to cause aggro for the b&g at all, my issue again isn't with them. It's with my dh and us agreeing on how we should plan the day

OP posts:
BauerTime · 03/06/2014 16:54

Betty what does the INVITE say? If it says children welcome in the evening then that's what they want regardless of whether they have told you your DS can come to the meal or not. I assume it matters not one jot to them if he comes to the meal as they wont have to provide a meal for him but they will have to provide meals for older children so they will have had to be specific on who was invited to what in the invite.

I personally cannot see why you want to take DS to a meal he will not eat, a ceremony he cannot attend and a party he will not enjoy anyway?

Just have a day off love, you sound like you need one.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 16:55

If you really want to go then leave ds with MIL and go to the ceremony, try and get MIL to let him have a good long sleep on the afternoon and take him to the do on a night time knowing if he cant/won't sleep later on in his buggy you can take him home and leave DH there as the best man but have attended most of the wedding.

Honestly I have 3 dc and done loads of evening do's with the kids asleep in the buggy. There is sometimes another bar which is quite depending where it is or sit at the back of he room where it's quiete. Tbh mine have been so knackered they have just slept through most of the night once they have gone off

SelectAUserName · 03/06/2014 16:57

I'm confused.

Up until your DH spoke to his friend earlier today, you thought DS was invited to the whole thing. Yet you had arranged for your MIL to look after him for the speeches/meal and "part of the night" (which then changes to "afternoon onwards" - so is that all night then?) anyway. And we now know that DS has to go to bed at 7.30pm.

So you must have only intended to take him to a) the ceremony and b) from the meal ending to shortly before his bedtime anyway?

If you're worried about your MIL having him for too long, and you now say your friends have stated that DS would be welcome from the end of the ceremony onwards, why not ask MIL to look after him for the ceremony and from bedtime onwards, and you take him to the meal up to bedtime? You could go and collect him while the "boring for guests" photos are being taken and be back by the time everyone sits down for the meal.

Then MIL looks after him for the same amount of total time, albeit split into two 'shifts', you get to show him off in his suit and your friends get their child-free ceremony.

BauerTime · 03/06/2014 16:58

Actually, your last post sounds like a perfect solution if MIL is invited to the meal and beyond just not the ceremony. She can go with you, take DS for his walk while you watch them get married then they can both join you for the meal.

If she wad going to come and collect him anyway what's the distance got to do with it?

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 16:58

OP you are determined to make a fuss about this whatever I or anyone says.

The service will be the first hour of the day so all this nonsense about only wearing his precious suit for part of the day is just bollocks- it's an hour less than it would have been if he went to the ceremony.

Why can't you drop your son at MIL on your way to the wedding and she bring him along an hour later, just in time for you coming out of the ceremony?

BauerTime · 03/06/2014 17:01

Plus, if its not local how did you envisage all of this to-ing and fro-ing working in the first place?

Surely MIL would just prefer to have him for the whole day and relax rather than muck about with all of these shenanigans!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 17:02

Here's a solution OP, talk to your mil!

SelectAUserName · 03/06/2014 17:08

Sorry I missed your last post saying it wasn't local.

Just ask your MIL, FFS! You're making an assumption, because it suits you to try to guilt-trip your DH that you're relying on his mother too much for childcare in part because he's out all the time. You're probably right, you probably do, and your DH almost certainly needs to grow up and start acting like a father not a manchild, but the wedding of his close friend where he has been asked to be best man is not the forum in which to have this particular fight!

Pick your battle, OP. I suspect you've now made such a fuss over this, tried so many different angles of attack and made yourself sound so martyred that it may seem like a massive climb-down to say "yes, okay, we'll ask your mum this time but afterwards we need to have a chat about how much she does for us and how we can cut it back", but it's probably the best and least stressful thing you can do in the circumstances.

BauerTime · 03/06/2014 17:12

If the wedding isn't local and MIL isn't bothered about going, then surely it would be kinder to MIL to ask her to have him for a few extra hours so you can attend the whole day properly, than her having to collect him after ceremony, bring him back for couple of 'party' hours and then take him home again. If she attends as a guest she will have to get ready with your 8mo in tow and lug him and all of his stuff about. Another few hours at home with him must be less exhausting than that for a 68 year old, especially if he is the extraordinarily well behaved baby that you describe upthread.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 17:16

Why isn't the OPs solution that she attends the reception and evening, missing the ceremony only considered acceptable (apart for the fact that her DH has kicked off about it)?

BauerTime · 03/06/2014 17:19

Because she is going to a wedding and missing the WEDDING. And it appears from her posts that she will only be doing it to make a point.

nyzz · 03/06/2014 17:21

Can you not go back to your MILs after the wedding and stay the night there so if your DS wakes up you can tend to him rather than your MIL?

Seems a shame to miss the ceremony and seeing your DH being the best man.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 17:22

Why are you worried about your mil having to travel an hour in? She's having to do it anyway if you take DS to the ceremony?

Just ask your MIL, FFS! You're making an assumption, because it suits you to try to guilt-trip your DH that you're relying on his mother too much for childcare in part because he's out all the time. You're probably right, you probably do, and your DH almost certainly needs to grow up and start acting like a father not a manchild, but the wedding of his close friend where he has been asked to be best man is not the forum in which to have this particular fight

Totally agree with this.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 17:22

I think because she wants to leave with ds at bedtime or early when tired and dh has to leave with her but he is best man

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 17:22

Plenty of weddings have 2 tier invites "all day" and "evening only". I don't see why this is an issue.

The WEDDING (why are we shouting?) is the most boring part Smile and no-one will even notice if OP is not there. B&G will have more important things to concentrate on, surely?

parentalunit · 03/06/2014 17:24

Oh dear, this is a difficult one. I would skip the ceremony part as you originally proposed, then go with your child to the rest of the event.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not your choice to skip the wedding...it's the couple's choice to exclude you. I actually think you're being lovely to bother going to the rest of it.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 17:24

Corey, that was if they went all day. The solution OP offered was that DH went all day and all night and OP just went all night.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 17:24

Sometimes reading mn I think I'm the only person who genuinely enjoys weddings and likes seeing friends get married.

And I will fully admit it's a much easier day without a toddler in tow.

nyzz · 03/06/2014 17:26

Sorry just saw that your MIL is invited to the wedding but the ceremony (sounds odd but am assuming limited capacity). I think your DH should talk to his mum to see if she'd mind hanging out with DS during the ceremony and then you all go the wedding and then MIL leaves with your DS. Hasn't your MIL RSVP'd already one way or the other?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 03/06/2014 17:27

I like them too, and I don't mind evening only invitations, childfree weddings, gift lists, suggestions for cash instead of gifts, being invited without my DH, seating plans where I sit with strangers or most of the other things that get moaned about on MN.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 17:28

Why isn't the OPs solution that she attends the reception and evening, missing the ceremony only considered acceptable (apart for the fact that her DH has kicked off about it)?

Given the additional info that the OP provided stating that it is only the ceremony her son isn't invited to, that is an option.

Even better if she could attend and her MIL brings her son over immediately afterwards.

But I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that- all that bollocks about if her can't wear his suit to the ceremony then it's a waste just wearing to the reception Hmm

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