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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 03/06/2014 15:52

Cor.

I thought from the OP that you were suggesting staying away fom the whole thing. Actually, saying, "childfree ceremony is no problem- I'll take him out for that bit and see you guys later" sounds perfectly Ok to me. Why is that so unreasonable?

The rest does sound a bit of a mare. Wouldn't your MIL rather just stay home with the kid all day, as opposed to coming with you to the wedding and then schlepping your LO home again?

I do remember a very old mate- actually exBF- who banned kids from his wedding when I had my first baby in tow. I was a bit narked at the time, being very fond of said baby who I thought was totally adorable; now I think it was understandable. He didn't have kids, wasn't focussed on that side of things, and wanted some cool music not interrupted by baby wailing. IIRC, I sang in the choir and DH took the baby out for the duration.

CPtart · 03/06/2014 15:54

Some of your comments re your DH have an undertone of resentment and hint that maybe all is not equal in the balance of parenting your DS. This wedding business may be an immediate problem, but I guess is actually the least of your worries.

BlondePieceOffFluff · 03/06/2014 15:56

Hosting any party, including a wedding, is about generousity and making your guests feel welcome. It is not about showing off perfection. I would be embarrased if I behaved in a way that would cause any of my guests to question their reasonableness on an internet forum, a complete disgraze the way people get wound up with "my special day and it's all about me, me, me and my lovely wedding video". What happend to fun, food and laughter?

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 15:56

Err my dads not intending on wearing the suit!

OP posts:
jacks365 · 03/06/2014 15:59

It would be incredibly rude to refuse to watch the b&g give their vows which is after all the important bit but then turn up and expect them to feed you at the afternoon reception. Either go without ds or graciously decline. Graciously means using childcare issues as a reason rather than saying I'm not going if ds can't.

You do need to discuss with dh about all his nights out but this isn't the occasion to do that.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 16:01

I would never suggest that I should take ds and to he'll with what the b&g want, I've never said I'm taking him come what may! I wouldn't dream of doing that.
But saying I'm only narked because I wanted to show off my baby is ridiculous, he has been to other weddings and I'm sure will go to others in the future, seriously don't judge me by your own standards.
I'm not a martyr by any stretch, you were making out that mil has ds when it suits me, like it's for when I want to go with friends or nights out, mil has ds for me AND my dh when we both go to work, so no it's not just to suit me

OP posts:
Infinity8 · 03/06/2014 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 03/06/2014 16:02

weddings can cost a fortune these days, Liz and a child over (I think) aged 1 will count as a 'meal'. If the B&G have a budget they might prefer to have their actual friends there rather than the DC of their friends who they might not know very well.

We are going to a child-free wedding soon, done so because of cost, and personally I couldn't care less, DD is 4, Grandma is looking after her and we get a very rare childfree social occasion to enjoy.

Prior to this all the weddings we had been to recently were ones where the B&G had a very small ceremony and then a piss-up in the pub in the evening, which, due to the fact that most who had DC has young 'uns, was childfree anyway.

OP - you really do need to ask your MIL if she would be happy to babysit - you're making suppositions on her behalf that could be completely unfounded, and it sounds like you're doing that to make a point to your DH, though as he sounds like a bit of a knob, he probably isn't listening, and you'll end up cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Thurlow · 03/06/2014 16:06

I have two weddings this summer, both with couples who don't have children and who don't have nieces and nephews, and they are both child-free. They both involve families and friends having to travel and stay over. It's awkward but I can see why they have done it. If it's not near home, I think I'd have a worse time with a young DC, maybe ending up sitting alone in a hotel room with them while the party rages downstairs.

Beastofburden · 03/06/2014 16:08

It would be incredibly rude to refuse to watch the b&g give their vows which is after all the important bit but then turn up and expect them to feed you at the afternoon reception

you see, Jack, I am not sure I agree with that. I think that is exactly what I would do. If the B&G have said, please take your LO outside for the ceremony, then that's what you do. To please them. If they want a child-free ceremony, they must realise that there are several ways to achieve that, and one of them is for ppl to go out for that bit.

Bowlersarm · 03/06/2014 16:10

But children aren't invited to the wedding, Beast. They shouldn't be there in the first place, to have to be taken outside during the ceremony.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 16:11

If the B&G have said, please take your LO outside for the ceremony, then that's what you do.

But they haven't said that.

They've said children are invited in the evening and the OP has now added that it's just the ceremony they don't want them at which contradicts the first bit so God knows what the truth is they haven't invited them all day.

Stinkle · 03/06/2014 16:11

I don't know if it's a thing Liz, certainly seems a lot of posts about it on MN.

I've been to several weddings the last few years, only 1 was child free. And that I couldn't go to as we had no one to have the kids - well, initially DH was going to go on his own (DH's work colleague) but the bride threw such a shit fit because I couldn't go that neither of us went (about 50% of the invite list declined in the end)

If you want a child free wedding, fine, but you can't throw all of your toys out of the pram when people can't make it

Personally, I love kids at weddings, the more the merrier at my wedding

jacks365 · 03/06/2014 16:13

In this instance they haven't requested that children are taken out during the ceremony they have stated they are welcome to come to the evening do, if they had saidhhe's welcome but can you keep him out of the ceremony there wouldn't be a thread.

MrsShortfuse2 · 03/06/2014 16:13

What I will never ever understand about these wedding threads is people who say 'I'll take him out if he cries'. By then the damage is done, why do some people just not get that?

YABVU.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 16:15

It's a no child/baby at the ceremony part Bearbehind like I stated on my OP I've not changed that.

OP posts:
hippoesque · 03/06/2014 16:17

If, as you say, your DH has such an active social life normally and you facilitate this happily then surely you see how this is coming across? You're kicking off because your son isn't invited. Simple as that. You can make out that it isn't fair on your MIL, that you're out of pocket because of the suit or that your DH is failing on the parenting front (bet you'd never normally refer to him how you have here today) but it is too obvious that you are just stamping your feet and having a complete tantrum about it.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 16:22

FFS OP, how does

They av said all children welcome in the evening but ds is a stickler for being in bed at 7.30

Translate to

it's a no child/ baby at the ceremony part

It's not one rule for you and another for everyone else and you can't just twist what they've said to suit your plans.

Dress your little prince up in his expensive suit and take him out on your own for the day instead of going to the wedding, that way you won't begrudge the fortune you've spent on it Hmm

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 16:23

I went to 2 weddings last year. One was childfree.

The childfree one was a close family member. I very politely turned down the invite, wished them well and asked for a copy of the wedding list/if there was anything specific they wanted. About a month later they asked my DD (8) to be a flowergirl. At the wedding DD was one of two children, the other being a 2 year old who was a ring bearer. Obviously both children had been given 'jobs' to get around the childfree issue. I thought that was a lovely thing for the B&G to do (Funnily enough, on the day there were 3 babies there as well, one of which was only 2 days old! None of them made a sound during the ceremony)

The second wedding was DH's best friends DS. There were about 10 kids there ranging from 2-10. It was a beautiful wedding, brilliant party and the only trouble/noise came from the drunken adults. The kids were the well behaved ones Smile

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 16:28

Never said I was happy about it hippo. Like I've said IMO I don't understand these child free weddings, family and friends are family and friends no matter their age! Next it will be not allowing oap's in case they have dementia and make a show of themselves or not inviting someone with learning difficulties or with Tourette's 'just in case'! But I have said I understand it's their day and therefore up to them, I'm just trying to work round it

OP posts:
FeelLikeCrying · 03/06/2014 16:28

I am afraid I have now lost the plot as to who has been invited to what. It seems to change more often the the weather Confused

hedgetrimmer · 03/06/2014 16:32

i think 8mo is still too young for that long away from you,unless you have to.i wouldnt go.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 16:34

Ffs it's not about dressing him up for the day!!!!!
What's wrong with saying if they had told me before 3 weeks I would not of gone out and got him an outfit for it!!!!
Sorry then if your going to be picky, they have said all welcome after the ceremony, which means speeches,meal and party.
And for the record for the millionth time I'm not asking them to allow me to bring my ds to the ceremony!

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maninawomansworld · 03/06/2014 16:43

YANBU to not go but YABU to get all grumpy and offended over it.

We had a childfree wedding -mostly because ALL our friends have DC's so we would have had 20+ under 10's there which would have completely changed the day.
Some people didn't come which was fine (no skin off my nose) but most positively thanked us for giving them an excuse to dump the kids on the grandparents and let their hair down!

We had a great day!