Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

* If someone tried potty training DD before I knew she was ready I'd be frustrated and feel like they were taking over my parenting*

This I agree on but find it unlikely in this scenario where the op is so close to her parents and they practically are all bringing up the child...that they would cross such a boundary...

The OP was turned down for adoption the sil wasn't won't help

I think the sil was turned down actually.

I think your missing the point Pheadra or are in deed her sil

No I am not her sil. The sil was accepted by the local authority and a child placed.

Your reply to the potty training point makes no sense btw.

Actually Razzle are you the OP?

Children are given up for adoption without coming from abusive homes btw.

OP - how old was DN when he was adopted?

Isn't the point that DH feels his parents do not love him as much as they love his sister and that OP feels they do not love DS as much as DN? That has to hurt.

fWIW my cousin is adopted and my GM treated all GCs equally.

The difference in treatment is probably due to their age

A) a ten month old needs formula, nappies, possibly jars while a 5 year old will eat what the adults eat so is much easier to cater for

B) a ten month old is a bit boring compared to a 4 year old

C) a half day a week is more then a lot of grandchildren get.

d) a ten month old needs fewer toys then a four year old.

But on the other hand SIL sounds very rude, horribly so but if you can keep in the forefront of your mind that she is simply deeply jealous, it might help you. You have everything she wants

DH feels his parents do not love him as much as they love his sister

but for most people isn't that just a misplaced childhood hangup, rather than something actually correct?

I mean how many people on MN love one child more than another?

but for most people isn't that just a misplaced childhood hangup, rather than something actually correct?

well I guess in some situations yes, and in others its a very real and hurtful and nasty position to be in which has long term implications which take years to get over.

but the DH does not appear to have a problem with his parents...or his DSis.

slithy Most adoptions in the UK will be of children in care. I suppose there may be cases of orphans but it's not the most likely scenario.

OP hasn't told us when the adoption happened or how old he was. He has barely featured in all this.

Grandparents that wouldn't feed my child on their watch unless I provided it wouldn't be looking after him frankly. And cancelling a holiday at the last minute with no good reason? I think the OP has got the message loud and clear. Her child doesn't matter.

^^ This

I cannot believe how many posters are scraping the barrel to find excuses for the grandparents' blatant favoritsim.

There's a world of difference between providing extra help where it's needed, versus open favouritism.

Whatever the adoped child's needs, the GPs are doing no one any favours acting like this.

Also, the children are cousins. Given the SIL's bitchiness and the GP's favouritism, the boys are unlikely to grow up with much of a relationship. Op's child has maternal relatives, possibly cousins. SIL's DS, who could do with an extended family, will be the loser here.

I love how a random angry few have suggested that the SIL has NPD based on a handful of biased internet posts. This was obviously missed in the hours and hours of assessments done by social workers.

I don't think in this case it is a misunderstanding by DH - his parents blatantly favour DSis and her son and IMO they would favour DN even if he was not adopted/potentially had a difficult background/might have special needs.
DN might very well be a happy, well-adjusted little boy with a mother who can't be bothered looking after him (in the same way as she can't be bothered toilet training him). It's lovely that the GPs care for him so much, but it should not be at the expense of ruining the relationship with their other child and his family. Sadly, it seems like they can't say "no" to DSis and are potentially ruining their future relationship with their second grandson. It's not hard to imagine that when DS is 4 and DN is 7 the situation will have deteriorated further, which would be very hurtful for DS.
DSis isn't going to change but the GPs could and should. Apart from anything else, DSis should not rely on them to the extent of them cancelling their holiday. She made the decision to become a single parent but sounds singularly unsuited for the role.

When you adopt as a single person, you HAVE to show you have support. Your main support people will have a low key assessment. You will be encouraged to educate them in the difficulties that a child who was neglected and/or abused may have later. Your PIL are involved in parenting this child, because they always knew they would be. I'm with Phaedra - we need to hear the other side. And YABVU to complain that you are having to take supplies for a baby when she doesn't for a 4yo.

You've told us a couple of second hand comments that your SIL has supposedly made, other than that all of this is either pretty much equal treatment (the food/nappies thing), or your PIL trying to level the playing field for a poor lad who will probably have lifelong difficulties due to maltreatment in early life.

Did I miss where OP stated that DN had maltreatment in early life? Or is this just conjecture?

i doubt there are hordes of caring parents gladly handing their children over to SS for adoption....

I mean really?

Katie it is conjecture. I suppose the nephew might have been born in to a wonderful 2 parent family who loved him dearly but were both tragically killed simultaneously. Social Services then might have fast - tracked the adoption so he spent minimal time in the care system.

Or what do you think is more likely about how he came into the care system and how long he spent there?

On any scenario he starts from a disadvantage compared to his cousin.

The OP as his aunt seems to have no interest in him.

It's an educated guess Katie. You don't generally end up in care because your birth parents were just too damned good at this parenting lark.

Its possible that a child was removed because their older siblings have been abused and the baby is removed before the abuse continues on to them but even then the child might have been exposed to drug or alcohol abuse prenatally and will commonly had some degree of attachment issue due to transferring from birth parent to foster carers to adoptive family during a formative time in brain development.

Its a pretty good bet that many adoptive children will have additional needs of some sort.

My DS was relinquished at birth with no maltreatment and still has additional needs.

I have no problem with people believing the GP's favour the daughter, that the daughter is a truly unpleasant person but please don't try to start implying that children adopted from care in this day and age are likely to have no problems because the facts will just make a liar of you.

If the sw for her second home study has failed to notice that this woman is truly the disasterous parent that OP believes her to be then OP has a duty to future (and current) children to report this to social services.

And it is highly likely that SIL has not shared with her brother and SIL what the facts of her child life were before being adopted. Read some of the adoption threads - it often strongly recommended that you tell no-one else the details (though in practice I suspect most people would probably tell their parents). It isn't a matter of idle chit chat and OP and her DH don;t need to know and its quite possible that the child in question would be horrified to get into their teens to discover that Auntie Nellie and Uncle BIll know about their past history.

It's just that I know a young girl who is planning to give up her baby for adoption at birth and thought that this is at least a possibility.

I said up thread that my cousin is adopted. Okay these two might be the exceptions to the norm but it can't automatically be presumed this child was maltreated just to make the OP seem unreasonable. He might be a perfectly happy and well adjusted little boy who the GPs favour because of his mother. Or he might have problems and still be favoured by the GPs be uase of his mother. They might even prefer a mythical dog owned by DSis over OPs son. We just don't know. All we do know is that OP and her husband do not feel the GPs love their son as much as his cousin. Whether or not that is actually the case is debatable but OPs feelings are certainly real and perfectly normal for any parent who feels her child is being treated less favourably by a relation. Love isn't something that is limited and no matter how much the GPs love DN or what his needs are they should be able to have an equally rewarding relationship with their other grandson.

Relinquishing a child is so rare that it's a very safe assumption (almost a certainty) that the child was removed by SS.

And whether or not he was maltreated, he has certainly suffered trauma. That's a certainty.

Did I miss where OP stated that DN had maltreatment in early life? Or is this just conjecture?

Total conjecture and total projection from some posters, and I know a few adopted people with additional needs at all, and infact people do give up their babies because they do love them, and they want what they think is the best for them. Not all babies are seized or from totally dysfunctional back grounds, not all of them.

To suggest every single person who gives up their baby for adoption is just no good at this parenting lark is hideous, I cannot think of a more selfless act, than to give up your own baby because you feel thats best.

Love isn't something that is limited and no matter how much the GPs love DN or what his needs are they should be able to have an equally rewarding relationship with their other grandson

Apparently not, Katie...

I certainly didn't assume that he was maltreated.

I said if OP's SIL was indeed this vile that she needed to steer clear of her and report her concerns to SS.

What I said earlier was that GP's see OP's son a normal amount of time (they do childcare once a week) - OP wants them to not pay for all her holidays (irritating maybe but wanting them to stop doing it is hardly pleasant) and presumably spend less time with this child who has significantly less family involvement than their son.

I would tackle GP's on lack of token presents when their child is much older just before he might notice but really at 10 months it isn;t a real problem is it.

I'm still aghast that such a dreadful person who so totally can;t cope with her child has got through not just one but two home studies which OP's DH providing a reference which presumably raved about her suitability for parenting.

Again OP you have a duty to report all this to social services - its way more important than whether your in-laws buy him more or less plastic tat or whether they go away with you overnight or for a week or whether they pay for nappies or not.

Almost a certainty is fair enough. Funnily enough it was just today I learnt about the girl who is planning adoption, so it definitely does happen although I accept it is probably the exception.

But the GPs should still have enough love for both boys and not play favourites because that is cruel and hurtful. And it makes it unlikely they will have a close relationship if one is "spoilt" and the other is "overlooked", which is how OP and her DH feel - rightly or wrongly. DN can only benefit from have good relationships with all his family but at the moment this doesn't seem likely with the resentment from DSis and the reactions this and the GPs attitude are creating in Ops family.