to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

A friend if mine did this too and has a gorgeous little boy.

Go for it you only get one life.

OP you sound absolutely lovely, thoughtful, and considerate, and I think would make a wonderful parent

I would eat my hat if I ever met anyone who had a biological child of their own who did it out of altruism for the child. Utterly disingenuous argument there. Everyone has a child because they want a child, whether in a relationship or not.

I hate the "have you considered adoption" line. I wonder if all those parents of their own biological child also considered it

(Not withstanding the fact that there is no issue of your own fertility, so there is no more reason for you to consider adoption than there would be for any run-of-the-mill married couple with no fertility issues. FFS.)

Go for it, I say.

honey

Iwouldn't feel sorry for the child because their parents are lesbians but I just feel sad for any child who doesn't have a dad in their life.

Be that because they have come from sperm donation, lesbian couples, a one night stand, or their dad did a runner, or their dad passed away, or dad's in jail etc.

Obviously some children are much better off without their dad on the scene (I.e their dad is abusive or something like that) and as adults we are able to make that decision on behalf of the child, but I do wonder if the child, who doesn't fully understand the situation misses having a dad.

It isn't about the reason for there being no dad on the scene, it's just the fact there isn't one.

If that makes sense??

To address a previous post, Denmark has a dual system - anonymous or 'known' donors. The former can't be contacted, but the latter can - once the child reaches 18.
Toffeemoon, do you have children? Did you bring them into perfection?
OP, you sound like you have it all sussed. Go for it. You also sound like you have a great support network of friends.
We are the only people we know who have done the IUI same-sex family thing, but it has not been an issue. We are blessed with a great set of neighbours and friends. It would be nice to get to know another family or two in a similar set-up when the children are older perhaps, but not an issue for now.

Good luck!

YANBU
We would have used donor for icsi but luckily were fine without.
It possibly wouldnt have been ideal for the baby but we wanted one and are good parents.
In fact in some ways it would be harder than single as you have to decide to tell baby dad is not dad etc.

Having a baby is hard but they get easier. Look at cost of childcare its £52 a day here after tax even on 3 day week i was only going to get about £30 a day.
Also consider twins not sure rate for iui but ivf is 1/5 and that could really affect childcare costs (and like some other pg issues could leave you in hospital for a while i guess. )

Fertility does decrease at 35. You make more abnormal eggs.

Yep - childcare is an 'ouch'! Nurseries are £800 a month, or thereabouts, for a full time place. Slightly less for two twins oh dear god

Writer it makes sense, in a way. I feel sad for my children that they won't know my lovely mum and dad, their grandparents. But, I can't do anything about that so it isn't a reason not to have them.

Why is adoption such an insult?! It wasn't intended as an insult, and since I did RTFT and the OP stated she wants a family as the reason for getting pregnant, adoption seems like a viable alternative. I wonder why the criteria for adoption is tighter than the criteria for using donated sperm...seems this is the wrong way around!

Using donated sperm does raise ethical issues, which you can choose to ignore, or like OP, think them through well before deciding what to do. Same goes for purposefully conceiving a child who will never know their biological father, and who you know will be in a single parent family.

parental, the criteria for adoption are tighter than any other form of parenting. For good reason, in the main. The hoops potential adopters go through are huge though.
The insulting part really is when people (who have usually chosen to have biological children of their own) say to someone 'have you thought about adopting?'. For a start, of course the person has. But it is usually only said to those who are doing something outside 'the norm' or those struggling to conceive. Rarely is it asked as a matter of course of heterosexual newlyweds for example.
There is obviously nothing wrong with adoption in itself.

OP stated she wants a family as the reason for getting pregnant, adoption seems like a viable alternative.
Same is true of most people isn't it?

Sorry OP but I'm afraid that you're a single lesbian and therefore you shouldn't be allowed to have a child. If you can find a man, marry him, buy a nice house, ensure you can be a SAHM for a few years, guarantee that you will never develop a life-limiting illness, never argue with your husband, ensure that the sun shines all summer and that snow falls on Christmas day, bake cookies on Sundays, and have a large friendly extended family - well, then you can have a baby.

But until then, forget it, because it's not fair on the child.

You can adopt though, because that's easy peasy - just fill out a couple of forms and it's job done!

My DD was conceived via a sperm donor, slightly different situation as I am in a same sex relationship. Really easy and straightforward process though and not as expensive as I was expecting either.

Sorry to be facetious but the judgemental and sanctimonious posts on these threads always drive me mad.
OP if you ever worry that the nuclear family is the only way to do it properly, have a look at the Relationships forum and see what some kids of "happily married" parents live through.

I'm obviously out of step with the general mood so will likely get flamed but I would say YABU. My personal view is that to deliberately plan to have a child without any hope of that child (until it is an adult at least) ever knowing anything about one of their parents is unfair. That's not to say you mightn't be a brilliant parent and if you were planning this with a friend who would have some involvement in the child's life then that's a whole different ball game. There are obviously many many children who are the result of broken relationships, one night stands, accidents etc. But at the very least their remaining parent can tell them something about their absent parent. I just feel very uncomfortable with the notion that children can be created in the knowledge that they will never know anything about a significant part of what makes them what they are. And this has nothing to do with sexuality....I'd say the same if you were a straight single woman.

Well, some posters are being vile. If it's what you want OP, do it. You've exhibited nothing but grace under fire and I for one think you sound as if you would be a lovely mother.

johncusackswife so it would be better to be able to say to your child "your Dad bought me a few vodkas, I couldn't hear a word he said because the nightclub music was so loud, but I was plastered and I fancied him so we had a shag in the alley then I never saw him again" than to say "I wanted you more than anything in the world, and a kind man helped me make you. I never met him but I know he had blonde hair, blue eyes, was tall, played guitar, worked as an English teacher, loved football, enjoyed amateur dramatics, took flying lessons, loved dance music but also classical, lived by the mantra that you should see the good in everyone and live life to the full"?

Jolly, no - that's not what I'm saying. What I feel uncomfortable with is the deliberate-ness of setting out to have a child in the full knowledge & acceptance that they will know nothing of 50% of their genetic heritage/make up etc. In your first scenario the result is the same but the intention is different. If the intention was to go out, shag some stranger with the express purpose of getting pregnant then I'd still think that was unreasonable.

myfeet, I have had to consider that exact circumstance and we decided it wasn't for us for the reasons I outlined. So no double standards.

For me, it is an ethical issue. It's nothing at all to do with how many parents are raising the child, their gender or sexual preference.

It's the idea of creating a baby that is half you, half stranger.

Yanbu, get that Turkey Baster out!

Far better IMO than falling pregnant on a one night stand and having to share parenting with someone not up to scratch.

This way you retain sole parenting control until you decide to introduce another parental figure.

I know many single mums who do a brilliant job in the absence of the dad (who have chosen to fuck off). Why should it be any different using a donor.

I don't think sexual orientation has anything to do with it. Comparing it to a one night stand isn't helpful either, or to situations where the father has wandered off. Is that really the new baseline? Those things do happen, but neither would be welcome news.

I can see john has a point, but if you follow the logic, how many parents set out to have a child when one or both of their own parents is dead? Many would argue the significance of grandparents, yet nobody would dissuade such people from having children. I never knew my paternal grandparents and my mother's father died when I was two. I have a passing curiosity about what they were like, but that is all.

And rest assured john, anyone using donor sperm will have thought about the points you make. A zillion times.

Well they're not remotely the same, are they, which is why I and others are wondering why a planned and wanted baby is somehow wrong and immoral and morally inferior to casual sex at the end of a night.

HOW babies come about is largely by-the-by: what matters, in my eyes, at any rate, is how they are treated once they ARE in the world. And any baby or child that is loved and cared for is just fine by my book :)

I don't look like either of my parents, in fact. Sometimes if I look hard at old photographs I see a hint of my dad around my jaw and a bit of my mum round my nose but overall I'm nothing like them. My mother was tiny! Really petite and dainty looking. I'm short but in no danger of being accused of delicate ness - I am not fat but I do have a more sturdy body type. They were both dark haired (my dad's hair was jet black and my mums dark brown) and my dad had blue eyes, mums were green. I am fair haired probably more mouselike but I have highlights and hazel eyes. My dad used to say I was a lot like his mum but she died when I was only 4. I've seen pictures and I'm like her in colouring but in my face I'm not, I think the mishmash of genes just created - ME! For better or ill!

I suppose what I mean is that you never know which little person will come out. I don't doubt there would be difficult times ahead but I believe there are for all young people. I think most young people struggle with something, to be honest - I know I did (my road to self discovery was difficult to say the least and it is only within the last twelve months I have really identified as gay) and many other young people suffer with stress from exams, with parental expectations, with relationships, with parental relationships and yes, with identify, and I don't doubt a son or daughter would want a dad around and that they would wonder where they came from - but they'd be able to access all of that. It's not as if it's a sealed book, closed off forevermore.

I'm thinking back to myself as a teen and I got annoyed with my parents for playing sixties music in the car loudly for cooking "horrible, disgusting" (ie nutritious, healthy!) food, and for being so unreasonable in not letting me go to the fair with my friends at 13 (mother - "there are funny men!") teenage years can be difficult but I don't know, I think, in the whole, if I had the choice between being raised by me and being raised in a traditional family that then underwent divorce, I'd pick me. Because this child will always be my priority and no one and nothing else.

OP, you sound fab.