to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

Since the alternative to deliberately not having a father is not existing at all, I really don't get why the former is so bloody bad?
Everyone has a kid for selfish reasons. What possible other reason is there? We have them because we want to (or because we got caught out and didn't like any of the other options). Having one alone is just a different kind of selfish than having one with a guy, or another woman.

Have you considered adopting a child that already exists and needs a loving home?

i'm in your exact position and started treatment yesterday, after nearly a year of tests and a change of fertility clinic too, i'm a single woman nearly 36 and i have worked with children for the last 21 years, i got to 34 and started thinking about using donor sperm to start a family of my own, started ivf yesterday and i have i been very nervous about all the internal examinations and also having to inject myself with fertility drugs but likely i have some very good friends and my best friend has been with me for every appointment and also at the end of the phone when i'm worrying about small things!! so i say go for it and hopefully you have a friend to help you along the way!!

Aren't all planned pregnancies selfish? Just a thought...
And where do we stop with the utopia? That man and woman shouldn't have a child because they live in a small flat with no garden. That man and woman, with a history of breast cancer in their families shouldn't have a child in case they have a girl. You get my drift.

It really annoyed me when we decided to have DC's when people said "have you considered adopting?" Adoption is really completely different, albeit the end result of having a child is the same.

Annoyed me too olaffles, not least because I would not have met their criteria.

I had the option of using a known donor but for a couple of reasons it didn't happen and I'm glad about that. It's not necessarily better than an anon donor (whose details are known to the children at 18 so not quite anon).

I couldn't get my head around the idea of DD having a donor who knew her and was in her life but not completely in her life. I didn't like the idea of explaining to her that yes he's your daddy but no he's not staying and for her to understand that he's still not the same as having a dad who'd die for you iyswim. My potential donor is still a great friend of mine and my DCs adore him but I'm glad he's not their dad.

Have you thought about internet dating to try and meet someone (you may need to commit to kissing a lot of frogs etc etc).

Nothing wrong with going it alone but (from someone who has brought up 3 alone) much more fun with someone to share it with.

I am happily married with adult children who have a great bond with their Dad... and I still do not think that there is anything wrong with having a child on your own and with using donated sperm. It's not a second choice option. . I would do it and I wouldn't agonise over it at all. I don't think its that unusual or that difficult for a child to understand.

Having a child with some random bloke or a partner that you know is unsuitable is a second choice option but plenty of people seem to do it.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you

Thanks - managed to work out how to 'unhide' the thread!

Yes, I've thought about adoption but it isn't right for me at this time. They have very specific criteria (support, for one thing) that I can't offer.

Internet dating isn't quite the same for lesbian women as for heterosexuals. It's possible to meet lovely women but the pool is smaller and many gay women who want children have had them - with each other.

As someone has said, I think using a known donor can be fraught and difficult. Anonymous donations aren't ideal in some ways but show me a setup that is? Mum and dad trained professionals, lovely big home, grandparents, SAHM before child goes to school sounds ideal? That was me - my parents both died. So did all my grandparents, before my fifteenth birthday.

Life chucks rocks at you and I don't see my job as a parent to necessarily stand I. Front of those rocks but to teach my child how to deal with them.

Honeykitten that's so tough. I can't imagine.

Good luck with this - I am so happy I had this opportunity.

Yes, unexpectedly awful things do happen in life.

Doesn't mean you should knowingly set your child up for problems.

Btw, "access the sperm"? Really? Nice way to talk about 50% of your child's heritage.

Not read everything but I would say it's not selfish or unreasonable but a wonderful idea. We can't all wait for everything to be 'perfect' and even when it appears to be it can all fall down.

Having a child is a huge responsibility but can be the most fulfilling thing you do.

Good luck!

So I will ask again, is the issue with donated sperm, or is it with a single woman having a child?

I don't recall saying "access the sperm" or whether you mean somebody else but I cannot for the life of me see the issue with this statement. A child is conceived naturally through ejaculation - is this a better way to speak of 50% of a child's heritage?

FGS
People advise adoption when OP would not meet criteria and is perfectly fertile as far as she knows.
People advise meeting random men on the internet when the OP is a lesbian.

RTFT people.

OP, I have to agree with you that there is some discrimination lurking beneath the surface here - not necessarily homophobia but discrimination about an active choice to be a single parent.

(Despite the fact that you will be doing it safely and with planning and forethought. Somehow it seems better to conservative society for your potential dc to know they were conceived by let's say a half-arsed, absent or abusive father rather than only having their 'father figure's' information on file.)

Sounds like your mind's pretty made up so good luck
Hopefully some of the more narrow-minded comments will toughen you up for all the joy, terror, frustration and excitement of parenting to come.

I don't think it's homophobia either but I am slightly baffled as to what it is.

I can understand "no, it's hard work" or even "no, it's unfair for the child to only have you." I am surprised in fact that one hasn't arisen as I mentioned I lost my parents young.

The issues mainly seem to be focused around the ethics of using a sperm donor - and these are used extensively by single women and heterosexual couples sometimes, but their main 'clients' are same sex couples.

I can only assume that if it is somehow "wrong" to use sperm to have a baby as a single lady it is also wrong if you are in a relationship with another woman and want a child, or you are in a relationship with a man whose sperm is not suitable.

I've just skimmed the posts and can't believe the crap I am reading well actually I can

You want to bring a child into the world you are prepared to support financially and emotionally and people are saying you shouldn't because of the 'father figure' aspect!

Seriously? Are they kidding? Ignore the stupid prejudiced idiots and do what you feel is right.

Don't let it worry you. Think about it and reflect on it (you already have I know) and follow your own conscience. People have very different triggers for what feels right or wrong to them..

All I can tell you is that everyone has been very accepting of us - even my v traditional Catholic grandma. And in the end the babies speak for themselves. They arrive and they need to be loved and people love them.

I would think sperm donation is infinitely superior ...... gene, sexual health, and messiness wise

I completely understand why a woman would want to do this and that she definitely has the right to.

However, part of me would always feel sad for the child that they don't have a father in their life as a direct choice of their mother's.

However, I wish you well OP. My friend is also considering this journey - she keeps changing her mind as to whether to go for it or not. It's my guess that she probably will. She's 32 and said she feels her clock ticking. I'm sure she'll make a wonderful mom, as will you I'm sure.

Good luck

It surprises me how anti the suggestion of a sperm donor people are, not just on this thread but generally. It seems such an archaic POV to take, especially given how many women effectively treat men as sperm donors by shagging around indiscriminately, using no contraception etc.

Using a known donor tbh is a legal minefield, and I would strongly advise against.

OP, I understand a little of your position, I lost my parents young (though in my early 20s, not quite so young as you), my grandparents having died when I was in primary school. I knew from when my mum died (I was 21) that I wanted to be a mother, and set myself a target of 30 - if I hadn't met a man by then, and got the happily ever after ending, I would have gone down the donor sperm route. There was no doubt in my mind.

As it turned out, I ended up accidentally pregnant at 25 following a brief relationship. My DS has never met his dad, knows almost nothing about him, and thus far (he is almost 16) this has been a non-issue.

I think you should go ahead asap (I am friends with a lesbian couple a little older than you who have struggled with IVF, and regret not starting the process sooner) and wish you every success with it :)

Yanbu, you sound like you'd make a great parent :-) I think some countries, such as Denmark, have sperm banks that are anonymous forever - you get some information on the father but they aren't traceable.

I'm a single parent, if I haven't met someone by 35 I'll do the same as you.

Good luck!

Do you feel sad for children born to lesbian couples as well, Writer? Genuine question :)

Or is it "not having two parents"?

Maybe I know too many lesbians! It has become the "norm" to me, a different norm, admittedly, but nonetheless I don't see it as particularly "out there" - neither do the kids!

So sorry for you VelvetSpoon; it's awful and it does, without a doubt, make you want a family of your own.

YANBU - if you can give a child a good home, why not.